Does your daughter say this?

[Aletheia]

My daughter is complaining that talking to me 'makes her feel stupid'.

Anyone else come across that reaction?

[WellPreserved]

Kind of. My son is 6 years younger than my daughter and has some significant learning disabilities. I speak to my differently than the way I speak to my daughter - different words, different enunciation, and different topics. In the past I would sometimes forget to revert when speaking with my daughter and she would have to remind me.

Since then, my son has had to remind me that he's an adult and "knows things" and I don't have to speak to him like a child.

My mother has a hard time carrying on a conversation with either of my children without correcting grammar or details. She abhors slang. She has made them feel "stupid" for years to the point that they no longer speak with her.

Honestly, I feel that it's really important to course correct because her feelings matter AND no one likes to be made to feel "stupid". Ask her what is it that makes her feel this way? Is your language unintentionally simplified when you speak with your daughter? Do you ever use the phrase "you wouldn't understand"? Do you mentally have a separation of adult topics and topics you discuss with your daughter (of course this is dependent on age of your daughter)? Has your language and interaction matured changed as your daughter ages?

I actually had the reverse problem with my daughter when she was a teen. I was going through a really rough patch with her dad and she became my confidant and I spoke with her as a peer. Looking back it was wrong. She and I have worked through it (with the help of some therapy) but making her a peer ally rather than a daughter was really detrimental.

Language matters so much, especially when communicating with those we love and respect. Sometimes, all of us get it wrong but the important part is caring enough to fix it.

ETA: Aletheia, you have never made me feel stupid in this forum but I have always been in awe of your breadth of knowledge and your ability to clearly relay the knowledge. It very well could be that your daughter is as well and just doesn't know how to communicate that.

[sarah824]

My kids do not say this to me, but I would have to know the context to know how I would react -

Is she saying you speak to her as though she is stupid? (as in treating her like a child)

Is she saying you are stupid and talking to you makes her feel stupid? (as in, I am dumber for having listened to that)

Is she saying you are super smart and that makes her feel stupid?

I feel like this could be taken many ways.

[AZOldGal66]

When both of our daughter's were around 18 or older and truly felt their poo didn't stink, yes, both my husband and I heard this. Never from our son, but definitely from them.

Today, oldest daughter is 37 and youngest is 26 and both have apologized for being little snots at that age.

Honestly, I was the same when I was their ages at that time, and was the same exact way with my Mom especially.

They outgrow it.

[Slimshandy]

No, my daughters always think I’m completely wrong about everything and that they’re far above me in intelligence…

[Olioxenfree]

No, they haven’t yet. What types of things are you saying that she is responding with this? I’m not saying it’s intentional, but sometimes as kids get older their parents are just in the habit of talking to them as younger children and it comes off as patronizing. Like I remember my own mother, who was/is a very good mother, ask me things like “are you brushing your hair before we go out?” Just because she was used to giving reminders as a parent, but I remember in my head thinking no duh im going to brush my hear, I’m 15, I know to brush my hair, does she think I’m stupid? So I’m always very mindful of how I talk to my own kids, especially as they start getting older, to make sure they know that I think they are very able and competent. Or she could just be feeling insecure and read into things that aren’t there. Either way, even if it’s just her perception and im not saying anything to question her intelligence, her perception is her reality so if further talk to her to understand why she feels that way and work on coming to an understanding.

[SisterSomeone]

Not in so many words, but when he was a teenager my son has often behaved like he knows everything there imaginably is to know in the world and talking to me is so far beneath him. I wonder what the view is like up on that high horse.

That said, I wouldn't ignore this if my kid told me it directly. There's a reason she feels that way and it might be worthwhile to find out what that is. I'd have to know more context to know exactly what I'd do, but in general terms, I see three possible things that could be happening. 1) She's trying to say that you're incredibly smart and/or use very precise vocabulary and she feels stupid because she can't keep up with you, 2) she feels that you treat her like she's stupid (i.e. you treat her like a child), or 3) she thinks you're so stupid that talking to you reduces her intelligence. Either way, it sounds like there's an issue and it shouldn't be let to fester.

[Baconqueen13]

Sure, not so much anymore but when they were younger. Now it's a running joke that "Mom know everything because she is an insufferable know-it-all that reads encyclopedias for fun." And my youngest will sarcastically add in "and that's why she doesn't have friends."

[Pjmm]

I'm not sure what you mean. Does she feel stupid talking to you and why?
It wasn't my daughter but a coworker I had an issue with. I'm college educated and he was a high school dropout. He used to complain I was using big words to show off, usually when I used technical terms related to my job. I'd tell him I'm talking to you like I talk to anyone. If you don't understand something I'm happy to explain to you what I mean. I think he was just very insecure and me being female didn't help. But he started asking me to clarify although he still made some snide remarks which I ignored. I'd ask the kid what she means by she feels stupid and from there discuss how to fix that.

[Aletheia]

Thank you all for your help.

I have shown this thread to my daughter and asked for her thoughts.

She agrees I don't talk to her differently than to anyone else, but would like me to talk faster and not enunciate words quite so much.