I can't take the stress anymore

Anonymous 1

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My daughter was abused by her biological father a few years ago. She has been acting out ever since. Sometimes it's little but still disrespectful things like constantly being late and making us late everywhere we go. Sometimes it's majorly disrespectful things like the other night, I caught her smoking in her room or this past weekend when I was supposed to pick her up from a friend's and she wasn't anywhere to be found and we had a place to be. This week, alone, she has: skipped class and was MIA when I went to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, late every day to the bus, had to ask her to change her inappropriate outfits 3 days this week before school (I don't buy her these clothes and she doesn't have money, I don't know where she gets them from, probably stealing), shoplifted, was 2 hours late to a very important family event that was planned months in advance, causing me to miss an appointment, was caught smoking in her room, and still had the audacity to ask me for a million things and be rude to me at the dinner table.

Before anyone asks, she is in counseling. She also has a psychiatrist and medication, as well as a mentor/coach. I'm also in counseling and I am part of a support group for parents with rebellious kids where we learn how to be better parents, and how to cope with misbehavior, especially misbehavior in kids who act out due to abuse.

I don't really need parenting advice. I'm just venting. I'm exhausted and constantly stressed out. Yesterday, after four days of a particularly difficult weekend, I started having multiple heart palpitations. They lasted all day and all night. I woke up this morning at 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm at the office a good 5 hours earlier than normal because I don't want to be at home. I feel like she is killing me, leading me to an early death. I love my daughter so much. I would do anything for her. But I can't wait for her to be a grown up and move out. Of course I worry about her and I don't think she will actually be ready to be independent any time soon. I feel like she doesn't give a shit about me. She doesn't care if she hurts my feelings, if she stresses me out, if I feel disrespected. I could drop dead right now and MAYBE my kids would be sad. I've tried so hard to be a good mom. I was so loving and affectionate. I was so calm and patient. I tried to teach them all the right ways. When I needed help, I got it. When I needed to change, I changed. I bend over backwards for my kids and yet still try not to spoil them.

I've been holding in my tears all weekend. I just feel like I can't take this much longer.
Heyteacher
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I’m sorry you are going through this. No advice just support.
Deleted User 1977

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Has your daughter ever been in therapy? If not, it sounds like she needs to be.

You sound like you could use someone you can vent and cry to, as well.

I'm sincerely sorry you're going through this. From personal experiences, I know it can be very hard and so hurtful.
Anonymous 2

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have 3 kids with mental health issues and I know where you're coming from. Yes, kids who act the worst are the ones who need the most love but there comes a breaking point for parents where we're too tapped out to give anything anymore. It sounds like you're there. And to top it off I bet other people make you out to be a horrible parent when your child makes you late for a family event or misses it completely. I can't tell you it gets better but it is okay to step away for a bit if you need to. It's ok to sit in your car and scream till you're hoarse. It's ok to go to the gym and beat the shit out of the punching bag (I highly recommend this one, actually).

It's also ok to cry in front of your kids. In fact, it might be something they need to see.

YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. You've done everything you can for your child.
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Valentina327
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I'm so very sorry you and your family are going through this. I can absolutely understand your feelings. Hoping that the counseling has an impact to help both of you. ❤️❤️❤️
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LiveWhatULove
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I am so sorry.

You are doing all you can do for your daughter.

I know you are not looking for advice, but I found journaling, listening to audio books, walking & jogging, more helpful than expensive therapy. I also like audio mindfulness and meditation apps to slow my heart rate.

But even so, I totally get it. I cry weekly as a parent, it is really stressful & my kids haven’t even had that kind of trauma.
Olioxenfree
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You have to remember that your daughter went through trauma and is reacting in a way that a child would. They would 100% be devastated if you dropped dead, even if they don’t show it right now. It doesn’t make it any easier on you, but don’t give up. I don’t mean this in an empty way, my cousin is went through a lot of behavioral issues after she went through the trauma of being bullied and her mother dying and it is not at all an bearable situation, but eventually my uncle found a balance despite my cousins situation and was able to be there for her and for himself.
Anonymous 1

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Olioxenfree wrote: Tue May 30, 2023 10:45 pm You have to remember that your daughter went through trauma and is reacting in a way that a child would. They would 100% be devastated if you dropped dead, even if they don’t show it right now. It doesn’t make it any easier on you, but don’t give up. I don’t mean this in an empty way, my cousin is went through a lot of behavioral issues after she went through the trauma of being bullied and her mother dying and it is not at all an bearable situation, but eventually my uncle found a balance despite my cousins situation and was able to be there for her and for himself.
I am keenly aware of her trauma, it was extremely traumatic for me, too. Her cutting is a manifestation of that trauma and her cutting is also traumatizing to me. Her sneaking out is a result of the trauma, and it's extremely traumatic to wake up the middle of the night and realize your child is gone. My cortisol levels are all the way up, all the time. I don't need to remember her trauma, it's in my face all day, every day. I'm barely hanging on by a thread.

Thank you for telling me about your cousin, it gives me hope that we will make it through this.
hotspice58
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I am sorry you’re going through this. My kids were traumatized. My 2 oldest are ok. My 2 youngest-not so much.
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