Stuck in a pattern

[Anonymous 1]

We have 4 teenagers and my husband seriously babies them with certain things. He agrees with me that they should be able to do all of these things we're asking of them, but he feels stuck in this pattern he has created. Seriously, they are 14-17 and it was just last year that I INSISTED he stop cutting their meat for them and let them figure out how to use a knife.

I don't know how to get my husband to stop and neither of us know how to handle these specific situations with our kids.

The biggest issue is getting them to wake up on time and leave on time for school. My step son claims to be an extremely heavy sleeper, so heavy that he will sleep through multiple alarm clocks and has even claimed to sleep through a fire alarm. He has 3 alarm clocks in his room and my husband still has to shake him awake every morning, multiple times. Now, I know heavy sleepers exist....but there have been sooo many times when I went in there to wake him up myself and it was painfully obvious to me that he was faking it and really wasn't sleep. Like, you can tell when someone is asleep.

We have tried simply not waking him up and the result is that he missed the bus. We refused to drive him to school because it was his fault he doesn't get up on time. So, he kept missing school to the point that he was nearly truant. So, then we started driving him to school but he had to "pay us back" for our time with helping out around the house.

Every time he missed school, he was grounded from going out and electronics, had to do extra chores, etc. He gets plenty of sleep (asleep by 10 pm, wakes up at 5:30 - 6 am), doesn't take naps, is not on electronics at night, doesn't do any major sports that would wear him out. He insists that he just can't wake up on time. By the way, he has also done this while having sleepovers at friend's houses and the friends and their parents were pretty freaked out by it. Imagine standing there shaking and yelling at someone and they seem awake but won't wake up. It can be pretty scare. He wasn't invited back.... I think it is partially for attention, partially because he just doesn't care and doesn't want to get out of bed.

My daughter wakes up on time but just takes forever to get ready. It doesn't seem to matter how early she wakes up. The bus stop is a mile away from our house so my husband drives them in the morning because he feels our area is not safe. I don't mind that part so much. But in order to make it to the bus on time and without rushing and a lot of stress, he likes to leave at 6:33. The absolute latest they can leave the house is 6:39 or else, they will miss the bus. Every single morning, he gets in the car and waits for the kids to come out. Every single morning, my daughter is the last one out and usually pushes it to the last minute, causing them to be in a rush.

Groundings, getting things taken away, and missing school or having to do work/ extra chores at home doesn't phase them. Help?

[Anonymous 2]

I wouldn't put up with it. If your daughter isn't ready on time too bad it's time to leave you're going as is.
As for your son if he can't get up in the morning he can go to bed earlier that night. My teenager sleeps 11 pm to 9 am so 10 hours. Teenagers need a lot of sleep. I also bought mine a really loud alarm clock with a thing that shakes his pillow. No more excuses.

[WellPreserved]

Oh no. I've had really limited expectations (in my mind) on my kids as they've grown up. You be where you need to be on-time and you take out the garbage. If they're not fulfilling those two responsibilities, there are words.

Family calendars work in our household. Here are the expectations day-to-day and anyone is free to argue that they're load is too much and then we potentially readjust. Once it's on paper or on a board, you better do what is expected unless you make alternate plans!

Waking up for school or work is a given. I'm not helping with that (but I've been known to listen in and make sure it happens). What would happen if you just let them miss school or miss the bus? Let them fail before succeeding.

[hotspice58]

I was a heavy sleeper. My mother woke me up all through high school. In college, my roommates woke me. Working in my early 20s, I had 3 alarms. I slept through an earthquake.

[Anonymous 3]

Sorry, this is all I could think of when I was reading your story:

https://youtu.be/dfxOWvLeLA8

[carterscutie85]

My DH is a heavy sleeper too and sleeps through alarms. My 14 year old probably sleeps 12 hours a night. Which is unrealistic for your son if he gets up at 5:30. Can your DH just drive them to school?

[Anonymous 4]

My brother is a heavy sleeper. He got an alarm that has a wrist band that zaps him. That shit hurts and I'm not sure anyone could sleep through it.

[EarlGrayHot]

Scientific research has shown that teens have a different sleep pattern than the rest of us. They tend to need to sleep until about 8:30 AM and getting them up at 5:30 AM is not going to work for most. There have been attempts to change school hours to a time more suited to their teen circadian cycle though most school districts refuse to listen. He may go to bed at a certain time but he may not be going to sleep right then so he may still be sleep deprived. I certainly agree with you that your husband is being ridiculous to have been cutting their meat for them until recently! They are old enough to take responsibility for their actions though. Just temper your judgement. What happens when your child is judged to be truant?

[Aletheia]

The biggest issue is getting them to wake up on time and leave on time for school.

Help?

The tactic that worked for us was to shift the responsibility to the child.

If the child wasn't up and breakfasted 30 minutes before they were due to leave the house, we decreased their standard bed time by 30 minutes. Bed times is when music has to be off, the computers are set to automatically prevent them logging in and the bedroom lights are off.

By the time a child's bedtime reaches 7:30 pm or earlier, they care enough to make sure they actually get out of bed in good time, every morning, and try to earn back some 30 minute increases in bed time over the next month.

[Aletheia]

He gets plenty of sleep (wakes up at 5:30 - 6 am) leave at 6:33. The absolute latest they can leave the house is 6:39 or else, they will miss the bus.

What does he need to get done between 6am and 6:33? Is it an organisational issue? Can he shower, get his clothes ready in a pile with his homework already in his bag the night before, so the only thing he has to do is dress, eat, brush hair and teeth?