How would you speak to your husband about this?

Anonymous 1

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My husband works in a sales-based industry. He is basically self-employed. I resigned from my job to help him and became his administrative assistant, bookkeeper, social media manager, HR, etc.

A few years ago, at the height of his career, he discovered something about himself which lead to what he feels is his true passion and life purpose. To follow that dream, he had to go back to school and get an AAS and certification. His goal was to use that new education to open a new business but the "new" job also fits in very nicely with his sales job. They go together. So for that reason and many more, I wholeheartedly supported his decision to go back to school.

I knew that it would not be easy to run a company and go to school full time. I was unprepared for how much work it would take, given that it was only an associates degree. But his degree program included a ton of other stuff outside of class hours- 2 internships, tons of volunteer work, required social events, mentoring, etc.

During this time, he was not able to work very much on the business he had already established. I was not able to perform to his level. COVID also hit during that time so our business basically dissolved. When we started seriously struggling financially, I went back to work for company as a salaried employee and I still do everything I can for his old business.

He graduated but he has not yet taken the test to get the certification. He completed both internships but the second internship was awful and it made him feel like he was not good at it. We also had some major family trauma at this time. With all of these things combined, I believe he is now depressed. He did go to counseling for a while but he felt like it was not helping. Some days, he does absolutely nothing but play games on his phone- something he NEVER did before. Also, the other day, I came home suddenly after I had left for work because I forgot something. He was in our room, with he door locked, watching porn. It was like 10 am on a Monday. I know he has been depressed. He won't consider medication and we don't have health insurance anyway. I know he is aware because he said to me the other day that he feels like a lazy slacker.

At this point, I have been the only person bringing in a full time income. Eight months have gone by since he graduated. He is still not back to hustling- on either career- like he did before all of this started.

We've had to miss a lot of opportunities for things because we didn't have the money because my income alone isn't really enough to sustain us, it barely pays our bills.

What I want now is for him to get a part time job while also working on building his business back up. I just don't know what else to say and do?
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I would tell him that I have noticed a change in his behavior lately and I’m worried about how he’s feeling about himself. I wouldn’t bring up the porn because that’s honestly just something sometimes people just do when they are alone, but I would bring up how he talks about himself and how he seems to be escaping through his phone. I would tell him that I think he is very capable and that having a low time doesn’t change that, but I want to help him get back to a point where he can feel happy about himself and reinvest in the things that he cared about.
Anonymous 2

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This isn't depression. This is a guy who refuses to be an adult and is now happy being unemployed and masturbating while you support the household. I would tell him it is time to go back to work. There's not much else to say.
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mater-three
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Anonymous 2 wrote: Wed Mar 15, 2023 8:27 pm This isn't depression. This is a guy who refuses to be an adult and is now happy being unemployed and masturbating while you support the household. I would tell him it is time to go back to work. There's not much else to say.
It sounds like textbook depression to me.
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Anonymous 2 wrote: Wed Mar 15, 2023 8:27 pm This isn't depression. This is a guy who refuses to be an adult and is now happy being unemployed and masturbating while you support the household. I would tell him it is time to go back to work. There's not much else to say.
Given he was an "adult" for years, and even a pretty successful one, I disagree with this. While it may not be "depression" in the clinical sense, something's going on more than just a dude being lazy and happy.

But I do agree that it is time to tell him that he has to go back to work.
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My kindness would be drained after 8 months of this.

Honestly, I would consider separation.
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Can you help him study for his certification test? Maybe focus accomplishing this and then move on to the next big step.

Since your job was support for his job how are you even working if he’s not creating any sales?
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It sounds like depression or another mood disorder to me. The first step is getting him to realize that he has an issue and the second is to get him evaluated/counseled/medicated. I would give a timeframe that you're comfortable with in which these two things need to happen with consequences if he refuses - i.e., 90 days. Make a plan if he refuses to seek help and make a plan if he agrees. Also, seek out support for yourself. This is a good website that will direct you to both online resources or services in your area:

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

I don't mean to sound cold but if it is a mood disorder, he is not able to just snap out of it on his own or even with your help. The longer he goes without professional help, the worse it's going to get. My husband had an untreated (his choice) mood disorder for years which led to our separation and his eventual suicide. Believe me, you and your children don't want to go through this for years.
"The books that the world calls immoral are books that show its own shame." - Oscar Wilde
Anonymous 3

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I'd leave.
Anonymous 1

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Lemons wrote: Sun Mar 19, 2023 4:59 pm Can you help him study for his certification test? Maybe focus accomplishing this and then move on to the next big step.

Since your job was support for his job how are you even working if he’s not creating any sales?
I had my own sales and I was trying to take over his sales funnel/pipeline, I just wasn't as good at closing.
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