I hit rock bottom

Kookookrazy
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I hit rock bottom and there is nowhere else to go but up .First I want to thank everyone for their advice...even the harsh comments I needed it to wake me up.

I am embarassed that I really let myself spiral out of control mentally because a guy I met on the street lost interest in me...hell lets be honest he never had interest in me.I took his uninterest in me as proof that yes I am unworthy of love,I am only to be used and discarded, yes there is something inherently wrong with me as a person. That is how I felt and I wallowed in it.I let those thoughts takeover because since I was a small girl I've heard nothing but negativity about everything about me especially my appearance. I can not help that I am taller than 99% of all women.I can not help that I am obese well actually I can help that and I have been actively trying to lose weight for a couple weeks now .I cant help that my facial features are plain and I dont have pretty privilege because of all of those things I just gave up on myself years ago when my peers and society ostracized me and made me feel so different.What cemented my low self esteem and self worth is how my family viewed me they reiterated the fact that I am garbage every chance they got.It was common place for me to put myself last and always put others needs before my own.My mother abused me and yet I was told I still had to take care of her,I had to suck it up,I had to deal with it no matter what.

I always think back to the time my mom had surgery and was in immense pain and how I dragged me and my kids to her house to take care of her .I was dutiful to the point that I still stayed even after my brother physically assaulted me in front of my kids repeatedly.I remember my grandmother in a drunken rage flinging a glass of alcohol in my son's face and I was so meek I couldnt even confront her about it .I was conditioned for years and years to have this mindset and to take and accept abuse.I am now a shell of a person who constantly needs validation from strangers that I am okay,that I am normal,that I can be loved. When I am rejected I am flooded with harmful messages about myself and I cant see whats right in front of me.I cant see that a man doesnt have interest in me I see it as a desparate challenge to get him to see my value because it hurts to have one more person discard me .It becomes a self sabotaging mission.

I went to my doctor on Friday I cried and told him everything he gave me a referral to a good therapist and increased my meds.

I also went on Amazon and purchased these books today. I CRIED when I read the title of the book "It's not just me" because I honestly truly have ALWAYS felt that only I have gone through these struggles ,that only I have been ostracized by my peers and not liked or loved .I really felt like I am the only person on this earth that is so grotesque I will never be worthy of love . I cant wait to get these books and begin healing.

As for the guy who made me spiral ..I wont lie after he told me his excuses for not being in contact with me I believed him .He begged me not to block him we talked on the phone he said he would call me the next morning and he never called ...He sent me a text two days later saying hey love.I responded to his text,he replied back and I havent answered him back because it was shortly after I sent my reply that I had this awakening and I said to myself WTF are you doing? You're better than this! You dont deserve whatever crumbs he throws at you! At that point I deleted the text conversation and removed him from my contacts .
Kookookrazy
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The books I purchased this morning. Im ready to do the work and heal.
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Catdaughter20
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What in the ever living F***ing hell did I just read?
Kookookrazy
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Catdaughter20 wrote: Sat Feb 04, 2023 2:56 pm What in the ever living F***ing hell did I just read?
My truth.
Olioxenfree
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I honestly do hope that you get help and realize the cycle that you inflict on your children, so that they can live healthier lives.
Olioxenfree
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I honestly do hope that you get help and realize the cycle that you inflict on your children, so that they can live healthier lives.
Kookookrazy
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Olioxenfree wrote: Sat Feb 04, 2023 3:08 pm I honestly do hope that you get help and realize the cycle that you inflict on your children, so that they can live healthier lives.
I did not inflict any cycle on my children. I already broke the cycle. I don't call my children names or demean them nor do I talk down to them and as far as physical abuse i stopped spanking them years ago. Dd17 has never been spanked, I stopped spanking ds years ago . Spanking isn't even that bad imo there's a difference between a spanking and outright abuse I was physically abused with wet extension cords,brooms,mops,a 2x4 piece of wood ,I was jumped by my mom and grandmom and beat so bad cps removed me from the home for a few weeks. I have NEVER done any of that to my kids .Am i a perfect parent? Heck no but I take pride in the fact that I haven't done what was done to me so I don't appreciate the tone of your post regarding my children. This post is about me and my journey not my children but you threw my kids in it to put me down as a mom and i don't appreciate that.

And before someone else brings it up I know full well that i lost my temper with dd a couple years ago and i dragged her out of bed by her hair because she refused to go to school that was wrong and i haven't done anything like that since .I fucked up I'm human! Sue me.
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mater-three
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Why do you keep posting about it though? It’s been proven time and time again that you will not get the support you desperately want. Change comes when you stop depending on toxic people. This site is full of them.
Kookookrazy
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mater-three wrote: Sat Feb 04, 2023 4:14 pm Why do you keep posting about it though? It’s been proven time and time again that you will not get the support you desperately want. Change comes when you stop depending on toxic people. This site is full of them.
I am going to stop posting here and yes this is full of mean ppl but there are a couple gems and i just want them to know that I listened to them and i appreciate them. Monarch mom has always been so so so kind to me even when everyone else bashed and degraded me because they simply don't understand how i was feeling but she has always been kind to me and I'm so appreciative of her.
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jas
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Yeah, ok.
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