Would you want to know?

[Anonymous 1]

My brother has always been super close with my parents, doting on them, visiting them frequently, calling them every week.

Over the summer, my dad spent a week in the hospital, in constant decline, until he passed away. While he was still conscious, my dad told me that he hadn't heard from my brother at all. I called my brother to let him know that it was time to say goodbye, but he never did.

I didn't ask him about it because I just assumed that my brother was feeling regret. He is usually pretty stoic but he cried at the funeral so I knew he was feeling something.

But now my mom is in seriously declining health. She spent last month in the hospital and she let me know that my brother has stopped calling her also. My mom told me that if her son isn't speaking to her, she's ready to go. I asked if something had happened and all she could think of is that she was too nosey when my brother was going through a divorce, but that was years ago and him not calling any more has been recent.

So anyway, it's my mom's 80th birthday. I asked my brother if he was available for a weekend get away and he said yes. I rented a resort-style villa near our home that was big enough for us to have a family weekend getaway and also invite all of her friends for a big party one night. I hired an event planner, catering, DJ, Photo Booth, the whole shebang.

When I called my brother to tell him I had everything ready to go, he told me flat out that he's not coming because Mardi Gras is about to start and he's too busy.

I'm sorry, you've always doted over your mom and now you're missing her 80th birthday because it's Mardi Gras? I just don't understand. It seems like something must have happened and at this point, I want to know. I know it isn't really any of my business but it's hurting my mom- she will be crushed when she finds out. Would you want to know, too?

[Baconqueen13]

Did you ever think maybe he's just busy? Or maybe he doesn't want to actively watch his parents dying....nothing has to have happened, he just processes differently and doesn't want his last memory of them to be negative. You're being an ass about it trying to guilt trip him into doing something he clearly doesn't want to do by inviting all sorts of people and throwing a party.

[Traci_Momof2]

I'm wondering if it's something as simple as a fear of hospitals (it can cause major anxiety and/or panic attacks for some people) and/or not wanting to watch his parents decline. Some people just don't want that to be their last memory.

Have you actually tried to talk to your brother about it? Show some compassion and understanding and ask him what's going on with him?

[Momto2boys973]

You say that he’s stoic. Maybe that’s just a facade he shows, but in reality he has a harder time dealing with things like these. Maybe the death of the parents he was devoted to is too much for him to handle.
Maybe try talking to him before making assumptions and judging him unfairly.

[Anonymous 2]

I agree with everyone else on this.
My oldest is a very stoic person. I don't think he cried at his dad's funeral. And if I ask he said he didn't want to discuss it. None of this means he wasn't affected. For all I know he was crying in his pillow at night. All it means is one, he turns away because he can't handle it, and two he's very affected. Do I think it's healthy no, but other than telling him I'm available to talk there wasn't much I could do about it.

[Anonymous 3]

A lot of people don't want to see their parents dying and that is okay. Mind your F***ing business.

[Anonymous 1]

Did you ever think maybe he's just busy? Or maybe he doesn't want to actively watch his parents dying....nothing has to have happened, he just processes differently and doesn't want his last memory of them to be negative. You're being an ass about it trying to guilt trip him into doing something he clearly doesn't want to do by inviting all sorts of people and throwing a party.

How am I being an asshole when I haven't said two words to him about it? Trying to guilt trip HIM by planning a birthday party for my mom? That I asked him about first? What?????

[Anonymous 1]

I'm wondering if it's something as simple as a fear of hospitals (it can cause major anxiety and/or panic attacks for some people) and/or not wanting to watch his parents decline. Some people just don't want that to be their last memory.

Have you actually tried to talk to your brother about it? Show some compassion and understanding and ask him what's going on with him?

No, like I said, I haven't brought it up to him at all. I'm not without compassion, I'm just saying I don't understand it. All I was wondering is if other people would find this sudden change in behavior strange and if you would want to talk to him about it. I'm not being judgmental or lacking compassion at all. I would never "confront" my brother in an aggressive way.

[Anonymous 1]

You say that he’s stoic. Maybe that’s just a facade he shows, but in reality he has a harder time dealing with things like these. Maybe the death of the parents he was devoted to is too much for him to handle.
Maybe try talking to him before making assumptions and judging him unfairly.

The only assumption I made is that something must have happened to make him suddenly change his behavior. As in, my parents must have done something, or perhaps he's depressed about something else. I don't really see how that's a judgment.

But, cool. I was just wondering if anyone else would find this strange or want to know what was up. Apparently, no one else would.

[Anonymous 4]

No advice but the party you planned for your Mom sounds lovely!