How to tell the difference between something you have to fix, and something you have to let go

Anonymous 1

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We’ve had a big issue with my (11)dd being sad or angry a lot lately. To the point that she’s started seeing a therapist. Nothing traumatic has happened, so we’re thinking maybe hormones are playing a small part, but we’re still trying to fix it.
But now the issue I need help on, the little things. Today I was making her a sandwich for lunch and we were out of cheddar. She won’t eat it without cheese, she’ll just get sad and leave it there without taking a bite. It’s not a tantrum or anything, she just won’t eat and will be sad about it.
So I was going to the store to go get cheese.
Dh says that’s too much and that she should just get the sandwich without cheese and learn to deal with her emotions. I know this is a little thing, and I know it’s not ok to be that upset about cheese, I just feel like for some reason she’s been so sad lately in general that any little thing we can do to make things a bit better for her we should do.
What do you think?
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carterscutie85
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If I didn't have an ingredient for a sandwich I would ask what else my child wanted. I wouldn't make a special trip just for cheese in the middle of lunch. I also would not make her eat a sandwich she doesn't like.
Traci_Momof2
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I'm with Carters in that I would see if there is something else in the house that she would eat, but I would not make a special trip right then and there for cheese. I would tell her "when I go to the store next I will get more cheese, in the meantime what would you like instead?"

I'm not a fan of giving into little things like that just to appease feelings because I think it sets a bad precedent. And you can still validate her feelings, "I understand you're sad...", but IMO she needs to learn that not every single thing that makes her sad will be fixed for her. Some things you just have to process the sad and move on.
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MonarchMom
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This sounds like a difficult time for your daughter, and may be the beginning of a larger issue. I can understand wanting to show her empathy and "make it better" for her, but in the long run that won't help her beyond the moment. She needs to develop some ways to cope with disappointment and become resilient.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a tool that helps teens cope with their emotions and learn to move past setbacks. You might want to read about the methods they teach.

https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/pati ... behavioral
Momto2boys973
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This. I understand there’s probably an issue there that needs to de addressed, but in the meantime, catering to whims may end up being counterproductive. She may start manipulating knowing that she just has to play sad to get you to please her.
As a mother myself, I can understand wanting to make life easier and happier for your kids. But it seems to me that she needs to learn to cope with disappointment and rolling with life’s punches. These little things are the perfect opportunities to start doing that. It may not look like a big thing to most people, but maybe to her it is and instead of having to cope with disappointment over a little thing, she was catered to. What will happen when the big disappointments come?
carterscutie85 wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 1:15 pm If I didn't have an ingredient for a sandwich I would ask what else my child wanted. I wouldn't make a special trip just for cheese in the middle of lunch. I also would not make her eat a sandwich she doesn't like.
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Momto2boys973
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True. That’s what I tried to say. When you start giving in into the little things because it seems harmless, it’s just a matter of time before the not so little things start happening. And when does it stop? At some point it may not even be that we shouldn’t fix our kids’ problems, it’s that we can’t.
Traci_Momof2 wrote: Fri Aug 12, 2022 1:28 pm I'm with Carters in that I would see if there is something else in the house that she would eat, but I would not make a special trip right then and there for cheese. I would tell her "when I go to the store next I will get more cheese, in the meantime what would you like instead?"

I'm not a fan of giving into little things like that just to appease feelings because I think it sets a bad precedent. And you can still validate her feelings, "I understand you're sad...", but IMO she needs to learn that not every single thing that makes her sad will be fixed for her. Some things you just have to process the sad and move on.
❤️🇮🇱 עמ׳ ישראל חי 🇮🇱❤️
Anonymous 2

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Nope she can have something else.
Anonymous 3

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When I saw we were out of cheese I wouldn't have made the sandwich I would have made her something else.
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mcginnisc
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Nah...I'm not catering to that.
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RIZZY1
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I don't think you need to make a special trip to the store right now. I also don't think you should bother serving her a sandwich she won't eat. I would offer her something else. She is also plenty old enough to make her own sandwich.
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