The mistress wants me to get a DNA test and be there for her kids after my dad died

[mcginnisc]

Was the affair the thing that makes you say he was a piece of shit? Or was he just an all around shitty kind of person who also had an affair?

If it's the former, it just makes me sad that none of you ever rectified your relationship with him. An affair doesn't have to mean cutting all ties and holding a grudge forever. He was still your dad.

I have an uncle who had an affair after at least 35 if not close to 40 years of marriage. Don't get me wrong, it rocked the whole family when it came out. And his marriage was over because he made the choice that he wanted to be with the other woman. And at first his kids had a really hard time with it and weren't talking to him much. But they took the time to process it and get past it and have had a good relationship with him and his wife (the other woman) for some time now. They are all family.
People make mistakes, but one mistake does not a shitty person make.

I 100% disagree with this. Infidelity is a choice. Breaking promises made to a spouse is a choice. It absolutely can make you a shitty person.

But people break promises all the time. Why is fidelity held up as such a worse one to break than others? If a parent promised to a kid "when you turn 10 I will take you to Disneyland" and then broke that promise, would you advocate for the kid to hold a grudge against the parent for the rest of their lives? Or what about when a spouse says "I promise I'll go into rehab and get better" and then doesn't. There's all sorts of broken promises every day, yet all others, especially upon first offense, are generally thought to be deserving of a second chance. Why is fidelity different?

Fidelity is a choice. Period. You choose to sleep with someone other than the spouse you took vows with. Now, some people might not have religious beliefs, but.. it is one of the 10 commandments- do not commit adultery.. Therefore, for many of us that is a HUGE issue. They broke a vow before God ( if the parties in question are religious) that is commanded all throughout the Bible.
Disneyland? So many things could have happened in those years leading up to having to break that promise.. you are super intelligent so this is a stupid analogy at best- fire could have destroyed everything, jobs could have been lost due to illness, medical illness like cancer could have wiped out finances..
Spouse not going to rehab- yeah, that is also a huge thing. That is literally telling the spouse that whatever the issue is whether it is drugs, alcohol, etc..is more important than the family. That will destroy a person and their entire family as foregoing rehab can lead to death.
There are instances like your Disneyland example that are understandable. A ten year old is old enough ( barring difficulities) to understand that sometimes crap happens. And yeah, an adult understands as well that crap happens..however, when that crap is an actual choice unlike a medical issue or a fire,etc.. yeah..it does make someone a crap person.
My father cheated on my mother after 39 years of marriage while she was here helping take care of me and my toddler while I was on complete bedrest 14 years ago while Dh worked. He could not work full time, care for our 2 year old and me so my mom and his switched off every week. He started using cocaine and cheating on my mother.. then, the a-hole cleared out the 401K leaving my mother holding the bag with the IRS to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars.. I have not spoken to him in 13 years and neither has my brother. The a-hole's mistress texted my mother out of the blue a few years ago from my father's phone ( no clue why he has my mother's number as she deleted his) and started talking crudely about my children that she had never met because they were 3 and 1 when my parents got divorcecd and I cut all contact with my father. Nah.. he's a crap human and so is his mistress.

[Traci_Momof2]

I 100% disagree with this. Infidelity is a choice. Breaking promises made to a spouse is a choice. It absolutely can make you a shitty person.

But people break promises all the time. Why is fidelity held up as such a worse one to break than others? If a parent promised to a kid "when you turn 10 I will take you to Disneyland" and then broke that promise, would you advocate for the kid to hold a grudge against the parent for the rest of their lives? Or what about when a spouse says "I promise I'll go into rehab and get better" and then doesn't. There's all sorts of broken promises every day, yet all others, especially upon first offense, are generally thought to be deserving of a second chance. Why is fidelity different?

Fidelity is a choice. Period. You choose to sleep with someone other than the spouse you took vows with. Now, some people might not have religious beliefs, but.. it is one of the 10 commandments- do not commit adultery.. Therefore, for many of us that is a HUGE issue. They broke a vow before God ( if the parties in question are religious) that is commanded all throughout the Bible.
Disneyland? So many things could have happened in those years leading up to having to break that promise.. you are super intelligent so this is a stupid analogy at best- fire could have destroyed everything, jobs could have been lost due to illness, medical illness like cancer could have wiped out finances..
Spouse not going to rehab- yeah, that is also a huge thing. That is literally telling the spouse that whatever the issue is whether it is drugs, alcohol, etc..is more important than the family. That will destroy a person and their entire family as foregoing rehab can lead to death.
There are instances like your Disneyland example that are understandable. A ten year old is old enough ( barring difficulities) to understand that sometimes crap happens. And yeah, an adult understands as well that crap happens..however, when that crap is an actual choice unlike a medical issue or a fire,etc.. yeah..it does make someone a crap person.
My father cheated on my mother after 39 years of marriage while she was here helping take care of me and my toddler while I was on complete bedrest 14 years ago while Dh worked. He could not work full time, care for our 2 year old and me so my mom and his switched off every week. He started using cocaine and cheating on my mother.. then, the a-hole cleared out the 401K leaving my mother holding the bag with the IRS to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars.. I have not spoken to him in 13 years and neither has my brother. The a-hole's mistress texted my mother out of the blue a few years ago from my father's phone ( no clue why he has my mother's number as she deleted his) and started talking crudely about my children that she had never met because they were 3 and 1 when my parents got divorcecd and I cut all contact with my father. Nah.. he's a crap human and so is his mistress.

In your story, in my opinion, the 401k/IRS thing and the cocaine thing is a bigger betrayal than the cheating. But maybe that's just me. Don't get me wrong, I've never said cheating isn't a betrayal. Just that I don't understand why people see it as the biggest betrayal of all. My personal little suspicion is that for a lot of people, it's more about societal conditioning than anything else. We are told it is supposed to be the biggest betrayal so we see it that way.

You mentioned religion and the 10 commandments. But how many people who would turn their backs on their parent for cheating on the other parent (let's assume we are talking about religious people here), how many of them say "Oh My God!" every other day? How many of them would give that parent another chance after being arrested for theft? I mean, the 10 commandments are the 10 commandments. They are all supposed to have equal weight, right? Isn't it just as sinful to condemn breaking one but ignore breaking another?

[MonarchMom]

You can decide to forgive your late father or not, that is entirely up to you and your thoughts may change over time. Either way you are under no obligation to this women or her children. And if you choose to be kind to them it still does not obligate you to provide your personal DNA for their benefit.

If your late father wanted the child(ren) to be provided for he had that opportunity to set up a financial safety net or get life insurance when he was alive. Or the woman could have purchased a policy with his consent. The fact that this wasn't done seems odd to me and indicative of some other conflict.

Personally, I would not give anyone a DNA sample unless compelled by a court order. Just my own feeling of wanting to control information that is no one else's business. Once you give out that sample you have no way to know who gets the information or what can be done with it.

[mcginnisc]

But people break promises all the time. Why is fidelity held up as such a worse one to break than others? If a parent promised to a kid "when you turn 10 I will take you to Disneyland" and then broke that promise, would you advocate for the kid to hold a grudge against the parent for the rest of their lives? Or what about when a spouse says "I promise I'll go into rehab and get better" and then doesn't. There's all sorts of broken promises every day, yet all others, especially upon first offense, are generally thought to be deserving of a second chance. Why is fidelity different?

Fidelity is a choice. Period. You choose to sleep with someone other than the spouse you took vows with. Now, some people might not have religious beliefs, but.. it is one of the 10 commandments- do not commit adultery.. Therefore, for many of us that is a HUGE issue. They broke a vow before God ( if the parties in question are religious) that is commanded all throughout the Bible.
Disneyland? So many things could have happened in those years leading up to having to break that promise.. you are super intelligent so this is a stupid analogy at best- fire could have destroyed everything, jobs could have been lost due to illness, medical illness like cancer could have wiped out finances..
Spouse not going to rehab- yeah, that is also a huge thing. That is literally telling the spouse that whatever the issue is whether it is drugs, alcohol, etc..is more important than the family. That will destroy a person and their entire family as foregoing rehab can lead to death.
There are instances like your Disneyland example that are understandable. A ten year old is old enough ( barring difficulities) to understand that sometimes crap happens. And yeah, an adult understands as well that crap happens..however, when that crap is an actual choice unlike a medical issue or a fire,etc.. yeah..it does make someone a crap person.
My father cheated on my mother after 39 years of marriage while she was here helping take care of me and my toddler while I was on complete bedrest 14 years ago while Dh worked. He could not work full time, care for our 2 year old and me so my mom and his switched off every week. He started using cocaine and cheating on my mother.. then, the a-hole cleared out the 401K leaving my mother holding the bag with the IRS to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars.. I have not spoken to him in 13 years and neither has my brother. The a-hole's mistress texted my mother out of the blue a few years ago from my father's phone ( no clue why he has my mother's number as she deleted his) and started talking crudely about my children that she had never met because they were 3 and 1 when my parents got divorcecd and I cut all contact with my father. Nah.. he's a crap human and so is his mistress.

In your story, in my opinion, the 401k/IRS thing and the cocaine thing is a bigger betrayal than the cheating. But maybe that's just me. Don't get me wrong, I've never said cheating isn't a betrayal. Just that I don't understand why people see it as the biggest betrayal of all. My personal little suspicion is that for a lot of people, it's more about societal conditioning than anything else. We are told it is supposed to be the biggest betrayal so we see it that way.

You mentioned religion and the 10 commandments. But how many people who would turn their backs on their parent for cheating on the other parent (let's assume we are talking about religious people here), how many of them say "Oh My God!" every other day? How many of them would give that parent another chance after being arrested for theft? I mean, the 10 commandments are the 10 commandments. They are all supposed to have equal weight, right? Isn't it just as sinful to condemn breaking one but ignore breaking another?

Well, in my case...I have never said oh my..... As it is taking the Lord's name in vain. Honestly, for me..my father will never be given the benefit of the doubt for anything. I wouldn't have given him that before he cheated on my mother. Again...you tried comparing apples to oranges and it was not a good comparison at all.

[sarah824]

I 100% disagree with this. Infidelity is a choice. Breaking promises made to a spouse is a choice. It absolutely can make you a shitty person.

But people break promises all the time. Why is fidelity held up as such a worse one to break than others? If a parent promised to a kid "when you turn 10 I will take you to Disneyland" and then broke that promise, would you advocate for the kid to hold a grudge against the parent for the rest of their lives? Or what about when a spouse says "I promise I'll go into rehab and get better" and then doesn't. There's all sorts of broken promises every day, yet all others, especially upon first offense, are generally thought to be deserving of a second chance. Why is fidelity different?

Fidelity is a choice. Period. You choose to sleep with someone other than the spouse you took vows with. Now, some people might not have religious beliefs, but.. it is one of the 10 commandments- do not commit adultery.. Therefore, for many of us that is a HUGE issue. They broke a vow before God ( if the parties in question are religious) that is commanded all throughout the Bible.
Disneyland? So many things could have happened in those years leading up to having to break that promise.. you are super intelligent so this is a stupid analogy at best- fire could have destroyed everything, jobs could have been lost due to illness, medical illness like cancer could have wiped out finances..
Spouse not going to rehab- yeah, that is also a huge thing. That is literally telling the spouse that whatever the issue is whether it is drugs, alcohol, etc..is more important than the family. That will destroy a person and their entire family as foregoing rehab can lead to death.
There are instances like your Disneyland example that are understandable. A ten year old is old enough ( barring difficulities) to understand that sometimes crap happens. And yeah, an adult understands as well that crap happens..however, when that crap is an actual choice unlike a medical issue or a fire,etc.. yeah..it does make someone a crap person.
My father cheated on my mother after 39 years of marriage while she was here helping take care of me and my toddler while I was on complete bedrest 14 years ago while Dh worked. He could not work full time, care for our 2 year old and me so my mom and his switched off every week. He started using cocaine and cheating on my mother.. then, the a-hole cleared out the 401K leaving my mother holding the bag with the IRS to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars.. I have not spoken to him in 13 years and neither has my brother. The a-hole's mistress texted my mother out of the blue a few years ago from my father's phone ( no clue why he has my mother's number as she deleted his) and started talking crudely about my children that she had never met because they were 3 and 1 when my parents got divorcecd and I cut all contact with my father. Nah.. he's a crap human and so is his mistress.

Just thinking *out loud* here, but you brought up the 10 Commandments and it made me wonder...

Your Dad broke a commandement when he chose (and I agree, it IS a choice) to cheat on your mother, but you are breaking Honor thy Father & Mother, by cutting him off which is also a choice being made. So, he broke one and now so are you. Makes me think of the whole 2 wrongs don't make a right... Is the commandment he broke WORSE than the one you are breaking? Just curious how you justify that.

I think cheating is despicable and those who do it are shitty people, but by your logic above you are both on the same level because you both broke commandments....

[mcginnisc]

But people break promises all the time. Why is fidelity held up as such a worse one to break than others? If a parent promised to a kid "when you turn 10 I will take you to Disneyland" and then broke that promise, would you advocate for the kid to hold a grudge against the parent for the rest of their lives? Or what about when a spouse says "I promise I'll go into rehab and get better" and then doesn't. There's all sorts of broken promises every day, yet all others, especially upon first offense, are generally thought to be deserving of a second chance. Why is fidelity different?

Fidelity is a choice. Period. You choose to sleep with someone other than the spouse you took vows with. Now, some people might not have religious beliefs, but.. it is one of the 10 commandments- do not commit adultery.. Therefore, for many of us that is a HUGE issue. They broke a vow before God ( if the parties in question are religious) that is commanded all throughout the Bible.
Disneyland? So many things could have happened in those years leading up to having to break that promise.. you are super intelligent so this is a stupid analogy at best- fire could have destroyed everything, jobs could have been lost due to illness, medical illness like cancer could have wiped out finances..
Spouse not going to rehab- yeah, that is also a huge thing. That is literally telling the spouse that whatever the issue is whether it is drugs, alcohol, etc..is more important than the family. That will destroy a person and their entire family as foregoing rehab can lead to death.
There are instances like your Disneyland example that are understandable. A ten year old is old enough ( barring difficulities) to understand that sometimes crap happens. And yeah, an adult understands as well that crap happens..however, when that crap is an actual choice unlike a medical issue or a fire,etc.. yeah..it does make someone a crap person.
My father cheated on my mother after 39 years of marriage while she was here helping take care of me and my toddler while I was on complete bedrest 14 years ago while Dh worked. He could not work full time, care for our 2 year old and me so my mom and his switched off every week. He started using cocaine and cheating on my mother.. then, the a-hole cleared out the 401K leaving my mother holding the bag with the IRS to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars.. I have not spoken to him in 13 years and neither has my brother. The a-hole's mistress texted my mother out of the blue a few years ago from my father's phone ( no clue why he has my mother's number as she deleted his) and started talking crudely about my children that she had never met because they were 3 and 1 when my parents got divorcecd and I cut all contact with my father. Nah.. he's a crap human and so is his mistress.

Just thinking *out loud* here, but you brought up the 10 Commandments and it made me wonder...

Your Dad broke a commandement when he chose (and I agree, it IS a choice) to cheat on your mother, but you are breaking Honor thy Father & Mother, by cutting him off which is also a choice being made. So, he broke one and now so are you. Makes me think of the whole 2 wrongs don't make a right... Is the commandment he broke WORSE than the one you are breaking? Just curious how you justify that.

I think cheating is despicable and those who do it are shitty people, but by your logic above you are both on the same level because you both broke commandments....

I forgave him in a 13 page letter. I will not have contact with someone that is addicted to cocaine nor will I allow him around my children.
That verse technically means: Prize highly, care for, respect and obey. In regards to the fact that he is a narcissist and pulled a knife on me when I was 18 on my birthday, I have forgiven him over and over, but I don't have to respect him due to Co!ossians 3:21: Fathers do not embitter your children or they become discouraged. The fact that I have forgiven him and pray for him cleanses me according to the Bible.

[Anonymous 5]

my dad got a woman pregnant when I was a kid. my mom and him wasn't married or together. the woman married another man and he was on my little sister bc and she had his last name. when my little sister was 11 my dad died. she contacted my brother to get a DNA test so she get social security on my sister. my brother said no. she couldn't find me but I would have said no too. she made it so my dad couldn't be involved in my sister life so I be damned if she was going benefit from my dad death. I do wonder if she is really my sister or not.

[Anonymous 6]

But people break promises all the time. Why is fidelity held up as such a worse one to break than others? If a parent promised to a kid "when you turn 10 I will take you to Disneyland" and then broke that promise, would you advocate for the kid to hold a grudge against the parent for the rest of their lives? Or what about when a spouse says "I promise I'll go into rehab and get better" and then doesn't. There's all sorts of broken promises every day, yet all others, especially upon first offense, are generally thought to be deserving of a second chance. Why is fidelity different?

Fidelity is a choice. Period. You choose to sleep with someone other than the spouse you took vows with. Now, some people might not have religious beliefs, but.. it is one of the 10 commandments- do not commit adultery.. Therefore, for many of us that is a HUGE issue. They broke a vow before God ( if the parties in question are religious) that is commanded all throughout the Bible.
Disneyland? So many things could have happened in those years leading up to having to break that promise.. you are super intelligent so this is a stupid analogy at best- fire could have destroyed everything, jobs could have been lost due to illness, medical illness like cancer could have wiped out finances..
Spouse not going to rehab- yeah, that is also a huge thing. That is literally telling the spouse that whatever the issue is whether it is drugs, alcohol, etc..is more important than the family. That will destroy a person and their entire family as foregoing rehab can lead to death.
There are instances like your Disneyland example that are understandable. A ten year old is old enough ( barring difficulities) to understand that sometimes crap happens. And yeah, an adult understands as well that crap happens..however, when that crap is an actual choice unlike a medical issue or a fire,etc.. yeah..it does make someone a crap person.
My father cheated on my mother after 39 years of marriage while she was here helping take care of me and my toddler while I was on complete bedrest 14 years ago while Dh worked. He could not work full time, care for our 2 year old and me so my mom and his switched off every week. He started using cocaine and cheating on my mother.. then, the a-hole cleared out the 401K leaving my mother holding the bag with the IRS to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars.. I have not spoken to him in 13 years and neither has my brother. The a-hole's mistress texted my mother out of the blue a few years ago from my father's phone ( no clue why he has my mother's number as she deleted his) and started talking crudely about my children that she had never met because they were 3 and 1 when my parents got divorcecd and I cut all contact with my father. Nah.. he's a crap human and so is his mistress.

In your story, in my opinion, the 401k/IRS thing and the cocaine thing is a bigger betrayal than the cheating. But maybe that's just me. Don't get me wrong, I've never said cheating isn't a betrayal. Just that I don't understand why people see it as the biggest betrayal of all. My personal little suspicion is that for a lot of people, it's more about societal conditioning than anything else. We are told it is supposed to be the biggest betrayal so we see it that way.

You mentioned religion and the 10 commandments. But how many people who would turn their backs on their parent for cheating on the other parent (let's assume we are talking about religious people here), how many of them say "Oh My God!" every other day? How many of them would give that parent another chance after being arrested for theft? I mean, the 10 commandments are the 10 commandments. They are all supposed to have equal weight, right? Isn't it just as sinful to condemn breaking one but ignore breaking another?

I think it's like 70% of marriages that survive infidelity so probably the majority of men and women can move past. However, 30% of marriages don't survive infidelity and often that is because of the way the cheating is handled or there were multiple instances of infidelity. My marriage survived the first instance of infidelity when my husband begged for forgiveness and we attended marriage counseling. I considered our marriage part of the 70%. The second instance my husband announced that he was leaving me and our children to be with his mistress. Our marriage didn't survive that one (and he no longer has any kind of relationship with our children) but that was because of the infidelity AND abandonment. It sounds as if OP's father did both as well and I think it's basically impossible to just move past that.

[Rosehawk]

Was the affair the thing that makes you say he was a piece of shit? Or was he just an all around shitty kind of person who also had an affair?

If it's the former, it just makes me sad that none of you ever rectified your relationship with him. An affair doesn't have to mean cutting all ties and holding a grudge forever. He was still your dad.

I have an uncle who had an affair after at least 35 if not close to 40 years of marriage. Don't get me wrong, it rocked the whole family when it came out. And his marriage was over because he made the choice that he wanted to be with the other woman. And at first his kids had a really hard time with it and weren't talking to him much. But they took the time to process it and get past it and have had a good relationship with him and his wife (the other woman) for some time now. They are all family.
People make mistakes, but one mistake does not a shitty person make.

I 100% disagree with this. Infidelity is a choice. Breaking promises made to a spouse is a choice. It absolutely can make you a shitty person.

But people break promises all the time. Why is fidelity held up as such a worse one to break than others? If a parent promised to a kid "when you turn 10 I will take you to Disneyland" and then broke that promise, would you advocate for the kid to hold a grudge against the parent for the rest of their lives? Or what about when a spouse says "I promise I'll go into rehab and get better" and then doesn't. There's all sorts of broken promises every day, yet all others, especially upon first offense, are generally thought to be deserving of a second chance. Why is fidelity different?

Because infidelity isn't an accident. You don't accidentally have S*x with someone you're not married to. It's a choice that has many moments for either party to say "stop, this isn't right". The fact that OP's father, and his mistress never did, says a lot about their characters. They don't deserve a second chance. What they did was willful, and knowing it was wrong.