Back to School and age appropriate wardrobe ...

[cgd5112]

My mom was the same way about my clothes up until HS. I won't do that to my son. The funny thing is that as parents, we work hard on teaching them how to make choices and getting dressed on their own. When they finally do, we cringe at the choice! LOL!
My son wore some Hawaiian shorts and a ratty tee to camp today. I swear he looked post apocalyptic- lol!

They are literally just clothes. Let him wear what he wants. He could be the coolest, most fashionable, most popular kid there ever was and people will still find a reason to pick on him.

I wasn't allowed to pick out my own clothes until I was 14 and I absolutely hated my Mom for it because she wasn't letting me express who I was, just who she wanted me to be.

Just yesterday my teen got a new pair of glasses. I let him pick out whatever frames he wanted. It doesn't matter what I thought. They are his glasses. Last year he picked out the most God awful ugly shoes I've ever seen, but again, his shoes, he wears them, so it's not up to me.

[cgd5112]

I know. Our mom group of friends have told her the same thing. But she claims that their boys don't wear bright colored clothes so they can't relate. * rolls eyes*

I don’t understand your friend’s problem. It’s one thing if he wants to go to school in a skirt or tutu. For that one has to be mentally strong to handle the bullying and idc what anyone has to say on the matter. But my son chose certain clothes and I let him. Middle school sucks anyway and if bright colors make him happy so be it. Most kids I know wear them which is why I’m confused.

[Anonymous 2]

My autistic high schooler loves bright colors especially yellow and orange. The only place he blends in is a construction site. Given he's not in public school but we are our in public a ton and he has never had anyone say anything to him about it.

[cgd5112]

Thank you.

He is going in to a SPED classroom as a homeroom. BUT he will be in at least 3 grade level classes ( English language arts, Social studies, basic math, and PE). For art and some other classes he'll be with his home room bc he has sensory challenges and cannot tolerate some art textures and struggles with paint brushing.

I do know he will NOT tell her when kids are insulting him or bullying. It's happened before and other kids are the ones who come to his aid. He will not/can not verbalize what was said to him.

As for friends, I don't know. He is getting a 2:1 ( him and a peer w an aide) aide to help with navigating the school/getting to the grade level classes, his locker, etcl. I honestly do not know how that works for him. He does have two friends who are also in SPED with him, but will probably only see them in homeroom/SPED and in P, and at lunch time. For breaks and lunch his IEP goals include him eating lunch at the cafeteria with everyone else. The aide is suppose to stay back and watch over him while he eats with his friends. He is not suppose to go in to the bathrooms alone, BUT he keeps asserting his right to privacy at home ( bedroom and bathroom). So my friend is concerned he may not want the aide to accompany him to the bathroom at school.

Please share what you did. This has become a point of contention between my friend, her wife, and of course their son. Her wife wants hime to "wear whatever" and focus on him being successful at school.

This conversation is near and dear to my heart

*hugs* to your friend.

Now, the idealistic answer, I always want to tell my son, “you be you, screw them”.

BUT

I caved.

Is he in normal classes? Is his IQ and problem solving OK? How does he do with mean comments directed at him? What sort of friend group, if any, will he have at the school?

I can share what we have done with my son, but it may not apply.

[Baconqueen13]

LOL! Thanks, Bacon. I think I'll relay the rated PG version of your opinion to her . I do agree with you. I just have to make time to have a full conversation with her when he's with his ABA therapist.

f**k your friend. Let him wear the bright colors. As long as he isn't breaking school dress code, the clothes don't have holes all over them, and are in good condition then the color doesn't matter. If she's worried about bullying then that's an issue she needs to address with the school and school counselor so they can keep an eye on things because I guarantee at the middle school age it doesn't matter what someone is wearing there will be bullies regardless as middle school kids are assholes. Not that the kid here has to worry too much from the sounds of it he's already being bullied by his mom so the kids will be easier to handle.

I was going to start by saying with all due respect f**k her but no, there's no respect for a woman who would traumatize her kid this way over the color of clothing. Autistic or not. Let the kid wear what he wants.

I guess the PG version would be... Middle school kids are jerks and this is the age they toe the line with bullying behaviors and making each other miserable so let her kid wear what he wants if it makes him happy. There are other things to be more concerned about than "brightly colored clothing" and any bullying should be addressed with the school staff and counselors

[cgd5112]

Thank you for sharing this. I love that color combo, btw:)

Has he always gravitated to bright colors? I ask, because my friend's son always has and it was never even in the radar . Honestly, it surprised sh and me bc we've seen all sorts of kids wearing a range of colors from dull to bright, patterned to plain ....

My autistic high schooler loves bright colors especially yellow and orange. The only place he blends in is a construction site. Given he's not in public school but we are our in public a ton and he has never had anyone say anything to him about it.

[cgd5112]

I agree. Her wife and her are having a big back and forth about it. Apparently, he was made fun of at some birthday party ( some trampoline place) for wearing a tee with Moby from Brainpop on it ( her wife had it made custom for his birthday last year - loves Brainpop) and some bright yellow sweatshirts. She swears up and down that he suddenly is attached to his bright colored clothes. That he has never shown interest in clothes disappearing ( like when he outgrows them or are worn out) before. But I told her that him seeing his clothes piled up on his bed and telling him other kids need his clothes and he gets new ones , was not the way to ease him in to a whole new look.

I think she was truly shocked that he even reacted this way. We think she's reacting/panicking to him being made fun of at that party.

f**k your friend. Let him wear the bright colors. As long as he isn't breaking school dress code, the clothes don't have holes all over them, and are in good condition then the color doesn't matter. If she's worried about bullying then that's an issue she needs to address with the school and school counselor so they can keep an eye on things because I guarantee at the middle school age it doesn't matter what someone is wearing there will be bullies regardless as middle school kids are assholes. Not that the kid here has to worry too much from the sounds of it he's already being bullied by his mom so the kids will be easier to handle.

I was going to start by saying with all due respect f**k her but no, there's no respect for a woman who would traumatize her kid this way over the color of clothing. Autistic or not. Let the kid wear what he wants.

As a mom of a verbal autistic almost teenager, I support this message.

ETA: Colorful clothing isn’t my son’s thing, but color of clothing is not something that I would even have thought to transition out of or into. Abrupt transitions and changes are difficult for neurotypical children, and they can be traumatic and debilitating to a neurodivergent child. What your friend did comes off as insensitive if not downright cruel. There is nothing about this situation that I understand. Why does he need to wear muted colors? How is muted colors “age appropriate”? Why can’t he have a teal shirt? Why the hell would you abruptly change his clothing without his knowledge beforehand? None of her actions and reasonings make any sense to me. If and that’s a big if, I’d gradually transition my son into more “age appropriate” clothing with his consent and participation with lots of explaining and reassuring along the way.

[Pjmm]

I agree. Her wife and her are having a big back and forth about it. Apparently, he was made fun of at some birthday party ( some trampoline place) for wearing a tee with Moby from Brainpop on it ( her wife had it made custom for his birthday last year - loves Brainpop) and some bright yellow sweatshirts. She swears up and down that he suddenly is attached to his bright colored clothes. That he has never shown interest in clothes disappearing ( like when he outgrows them or are worn out) before. But I told her that him seeing his clothes piled up on his bed and telling him other kids need his clothes and he gets new ones , was not the way to ease him in to a whole new look.

I think she was truly shocked that he even reacted this way. We think she's reacting/panicking to him being made fun of at that party.

f**k your friend. Let him wear the bright colors. As long as he isn't breaking school dress code, the clothes don't have holes all over them, and are in good condition then the color doesn't matter. If she's worried about bullying then that's an issue she needs to address with the school and school counselor so they can keep an eye on things because I guarantee at the middle school age it doesn't matter what someone is wearing there will be bullies regardless as middle school kids are assholes. Not that the kid here has to worry too much from the sounds of it he's already being bullied by his mom so the kids will be easier to handle.

I was going to start by saying with all due respect f**k her but no, there's no respect for a woman who would traumatize her kid this way over the color of clothing. Autistic or not. Let the kid wear what he wants.

As a mom of a verbal autistic almost teenager, I support this message.

ETA: Colorful clothing isn’t my son’s thing, but color of clothing is not something that I would even have thought to transition out of or into. Abrupt transitions and changes are difficult for neurotypical children, and they can be traumatic and debilitating to a neurodivergent child. What your friend did comes off as insensitive if not downright cruel. There is nothing about this situation that I understand. Why does he need to wear muted colors? How is muted colors “age appropriate”? Why can’t he have a teal shirt? Why the hell would you abruptly change his clothing without his knowledge beforehand? None of her actions and reasonings make any sense to me. If and that’s a big if, I’d gradually transition my son into more “age appropriate” clothing with his consent and participation with lots of explaining and reassuring along the way.

But these things happen with anything. There’s always going to be some jerk with something to say no matter what a kid does. Sometimes moms more upset than the kid about it. Also her boy may take it with a “screw what they think attitude”. Like yds used to wear a long trench coat in school. He was called emo and made fun of. Even the teachers remarked on it, asking if he was out of dress code and wanted to hide it. And my son was like “no I just like it and I don’t care what others think.” If this boy is like that maybe that’s good. A show of defiance. Of “this is me take it or leave it.” And as long as it’s in dress code I’d encourage it. Probably because I wore unusual stuff myself as a kid lol.

[Anonymous 2]

Thank you for sharing this. I love that color combo, btw:)

Has he always gravitated to bright colors? I ask, because my friend's son always has and it was never even in the radar . Honestly, it surprised sh and me bc we've seen all sorts of kids wearing a range of colors from dull to bright, patterned to plain ....

My autistic high schooler loves bright colors especially yellow and orange. The only place he blends in is a construction site. Given he's not in public school but we are our in public a ton and he has never had anyone say anything to him about it.

When he was younger he never cared what he wore honestly. But now he loves bright colors and I'm just way more concerned with his tooth brushing aversion than what he wears. If it's clean I consider it a win even if it doesn't match.

[RIZZY1]

I can't speak on children with special needs, per se, however, I had a similar situation with one of my step kids. Her clothes were frequently too tight or way too big, did not match, and were often dirty or ripped. I spent years going out of my way to try to help, buy her new clothes, get my husband to encourage her to wear different clothes. I was worried she would get bullied (she eventually did). All of my efforts were seen as being overbearing, controlling, and that I just didn't like my step daughter. None of that was true. However, what was true is that I was acting from a place of anxiety. My efforts, while out of love, were designed to assuage my anxiety over the possibility of her being bullied. I think my point is, you can't prevent bullying by making sure your kid is not an easy target. Bullies don't just go after easy targets, they go after everyone. You CAN push a kid away and give them mental/emotional problems by focusing so much on their appearance.

My daughter is doing much better now. She just had some growing up to do.