Back to School and age appropriate wardrobe ...

[cgd5112]

I think it is complicated when it comes to kids with special needs. I do believe she is trying to protect him and may be even protect herself emotionally/psychologically. She sometimes tells me that it was easier when he was little. I don't know how I can hep her, really. I am making note of all the input on this thread. I think she needs to process the fact that her son is growing up and is now a tween- he's almost 12.

I do like what LiveWhat U Love said about watching Youtube videos about social situations and confidence. I'm going to mention that to her. Maybe they can watch them together and have some conversations about speaking up for himself if he's ever bullied or made fun of. They'll be back in two weeks. But her wife is coming back earlier bc of work. DH adn I will most likely talk about this whole issue with her when she comes over.

I absolutely agree with your statement about "blending in". He has 2 friends who are going to start middle school with him this fall. Then next year a group of friends 9 about 6 more ) will be coming in , all SPED. I think this will be his group, but it is a whole year out. The ones that are with him this coming year are not as close but they may become so given the new environment.

That's a tough situation. I understand a parent wanting their SNs child to fit in at school but it's a fine line between asking them to change to fit in rather than embrace their different-ness with confidence. My son didn't wear sleeves or long pants until he was an adult and sure, there were times that he was teased but most of the time the kids understood and sometimes even embraced his weirdness. Some of his friends have stated that they miss the old "Bill style" but they are equally embracing his new style (cowboy hat, jean jacket with sleeves cut out, and hiking pants), lol.

Bottom line for me was that muting or forcing a change of clothing was not going to make him "blend". He had too many challenges to ever blend in. So I worked on his confidence and helped him pursue interests which enabled him to make friends with similar interests. That friend group, some of whom were equally weirdly dressed, offered him protection both emotionally and physically from the bullies. The bullies were never going to accept him no matter what he wore.

[Anonymous 5]

I think your friend has the problem. She needs to leave him alone. It's not like he's wearing a flowered shirt and plaid pants and she's trying to teach him to coordinate. Different people prefer different colors. That's why they're made.

[Anonymous 5]

I think it is complicated when it comes to kids with special needs. I do believe she is trying to protect him and may be even protect herself emotionally/psychologically. She sometimes tells me that it was easier when he was little. I don't know how I can hep her, really. I am making note of all the input on this thread. I think she needs to process the fact that her son is growing up and is now a tween- he's almost 12.

I do like what LiveWhat U Love said about watching Youtube videos about social situations and confidence. I'm going to mention that to her. Maybe they can watch them together and have some conversations about speaking up for himself if he's ever bullied or made fun of. They'll be back in two weeks. But her wife is coming back earlier bc of work. DH adn I will most likely talk about this whole issue with her when she comes over.

I absolutely agree with your statement about "blending in". He has 2 friends who are going to start middle school with him this fall. Then next year a group of friends 9 about 6 more ) will be coming in , all SPED. I think this will be his group, but it is a whole year out. The ones that are with him this coming year are not as close but they may become so given the new environment.

That's a tough situation. I understand a parent wanting their SNs child to fit in at school but it's a fine line between asking them to change to fit in rather than embrace their different-ness with confidence. My son didn't wear sleeves or long pants until he was an adult and sure, there were times that he was teased but most of the time the kids understood and sometimes even embraced his weirdness. Some of his friends have stated that they miss the old "Bill style" but they are equally embracing his new style (cowboy hat, jean jacket with sleeves cut out, and hiking pants), lol.

Bottom line for me was that muting or forcing a change of clothing was not going to make him "blend". He had too many challenges to ever blend in. So I worked on his confidence and helped him pursue interests which enabled him to make friends with similar interests. That friend group, some of whom were equally weirdly dressed, offered him protection both emotionally and physically from the bullies. The bullies were never going to accept him no matter what he wore.

So, Bobby has 2 mommies but she's worried about him not fitting in because of clothing color choices?

[Pjmm]

I think it is complicated when it comes to kids with special needs. I do believe she is trying to protect him and may be even protect herself emotionally/psychologically. She sometimes tells me that it was easier when he was little. I don't know how I can hep her, really. I am making note of all the input on this thread. I think she needs to process the fact that her son is growing up and is now a tween- he's almost 12.

I do like what LiveWhat U Love said about watching Youtube videos about social situations and confidence. I'm going to mention that to her. Maybe they can watch them together and have some conversations about speaking up for himself if he's ever bullied or made fun of. They'll be back in two weeks. But her wife is coming back earlier bc of work. DH adn I will most likely talk about this whole issue with her when she comes over.

I absolutely agree with your statement about "blending in". He has 2 friends who are going to start middle school with him this fall. Then next year a group of friends 9 about 6 more ) will be coming in , all SPED. I think this will be his group, but it is a whole year out. The ones that are with him this coming year are not as close but they may become so given the new environment.

That's a tough situation. I understand a parent wanting their SNs child to fit in at school but it's a fine line between asking them to change to fit in rather than embrace their different-ness with confidence. My son didn't wear sleeves or long pants until he was an adult and sure, there were times that he was teased but most of the time the kids understood and sometimes even embraced his weirdness. Some of his friends have stated that they miss the old "Bill style" but they are equally embracing his new style (cowboy hat, jean jacket with sleeves cut out, and hiking pants), lol.

Bottom line for me was that muting or forcing a change of clothing was not going to make him "blend". He had too many challenges to ever blend in. So I worked on his confidence and helped him pursue interests which enabled him to make friends with similar interests. That friend group, some of whom were equally weirdly dressed, offered him protection both emotionally and physically from the bullies. The bullies were never going to accept him no matter what he wore.

So, Bobby has 2 mommies but she's worried about him not fitting in because of clothing color choices?

I know two teenagers that went non-binary so I’m not sure anyone cares about gay parents in middle school. Everyone always has something to say about clothing. That being said I don’t get it either. A lot of kids wear bright colors. It’s getting to where I can easily shop in the men’s department for colorful shirts. Kids had to wear polos at our school. I remember ds wouldn’t wear pink but otherwise every other color was available. Of course I’m in the south. Maybe it’s a regional thing?

[mcginnisc]

IMO, coaching a child, who struggles with social awkwardness & relating to peers (but desires to do so) on how to follow typical social norms (including dress & clothing) is not selfish, self-absorbed, nor bullying. But after reading all the responses, I do not feel comfortable sharing a lot detail now. So to summarize:

We had a lot of discussions about human & group behavior, appearance, and subconcious bias. Lots of Youtube videos, LOL.
We started small contests and fun activities to celebrate small little changes in his wardrobe, such as wearing black shorts around the house.
We scripted comebacks to potential mean peers, and practiced so he would know how it might feel, & had ideas on how to respond. We've done that with all types of social situation though.
We organize his closet together during non-stressful times, with outfits he agrees to wear & remove other options completely from the home.
We shop together and try to incorporate his wants into more stylish options.
We promote & support social peers groups, so he feels confident to be himself and does have support, no matter what he wears.

Thank you.

He is going in to a SPED classroom as a homeroom. BUT he will be in at least 3 grade level classes ( English language arts, Social studies, basic math, and PE). For art and some other classes he'll be with his home room bc he has sensory challenges and cannot tolerate some art textures and struggles with paint brushing.

I do know he will NOT tell her when kids are insulting him or bullying. It's happened before and other kids are the ones who come to his aid. He will not/can not verbalize what was said to him.

As for friends, I don't know. He is getting a 2:1 ( him and a peer w an aide) aide to help with navigating the school/getting to the grade level classes, his locker, etcl. I honestly do not know how that works for him. He does have two friends who are also in SPED with him, but will probably only see them in homeroom/SPED and in P, and at lunch time. For breaks and lunch his IEP goals include him eating lunch at the cafeteria with everyone else. The aide is suppose to stay back and watch over him while he eats with his friends. He is not suppose to go in to the bathrooms alone, BUT he keeps asserting his right to privacy at home ( bedroom and bathroom). So my friend is concerned he may not want the aide to accompany him to the bathroom at school.

Please share what you did. This has become a point of contention between my friend, her wife, and of course their son. Her wife wants hime to "wear whatever" and focus on him being successful at school.

This conversation is near and dear to my heart

*hugs* to your friend.

Now, the idealistic answer, I always want to tell my son, “you be you, screw them”.

BUT

I caved.

Is he in normal classes? Is his IQ and problem solving OK? How does he do with mean comments directed at him? What sort of friend group, if any, will he have at the school?

I can share what we have done with my son, but it may not apply.

I think your approach is much mor loving and supportive than what OP is presenting. You didn't just stack *all* of your son's clothing on the bed and say- you are giving these to other kids and will get new clothes. You watched videos with your son, went through different societal norms, etc..this mom seems like she is reacting for *her* own good..not her son's. What she did created so many different emotions for a child that already struggles with things. If she had used your approach with her son, I don't think the backlash from others would have happened. She was not careful..she was abrupt and unkind at best. You showed your son love in the way you acted with him. This other mom? Nah.. she needs a swift kick to reset her brain to think about what is best for her son..not her.

[msgme]

My son has always loved bright colors. His favorite colors are baby pink and neon green. His wardrobe has always been quite colorful. The only person who ever commented on his clothes was the mom of one of his friends.

[Olioxenfree]

I uderstand that she is coming from the right place and is trying to protect her son. But, she really needs to consider that what she's doing could be much more emotionally damaging for her son than if a kid made fun of his clothes. Children with autism do sometimes need to be gradually put through uncomfortable situations to help them learn how to live happy independent lives, which means learning social skills that will help them relate better to peers, but this crosses a line. It should not be sudden and forced and in this case, it just isn't necessary to put him through that.

If he wanted to go to school in a bathing suit, than yes, I could understand working toward appropriate clothing, but what he is wearing is appropriate. It might not be the most in style with what the trendy kids are wearing, but that is okay. Every kid is different, her son has differing needs. That is not a bad thing. She's trying to force her son to change who he is so he can "fit in" and by doing so she is telling her son that it isn't okay to be different. And he is different, he can't change that, his autism isn't going to disappear, so what does that tell him to think about himself?

Muted tones may be common, but lots of kids wear bright clothing. There isn't anything immature about it. I have two boys in his age group, one wears mainly muted tones and the other likes bright colors. The one who wears the bright colors is actually my popular kid who is in the "cool" group at school. But, that doesn't make him better than his brother. My other son might not be "popular", but he has his group of solid friends who like him for who he is and he is happy. Her son might fit in or he might not fit in. Either is okay. It would be much more in his best interests to focus on his self esteem and help him find a group that accepts him for who he is rather than trying to force him into the background so he just blends in.

[Anonymous 6]

I think she has legitimate fear for her child entering middle school and clothes are one of the few things she thinks she can help him with. Kids do laugh and say cruel things about other kids clothes, hair, shoes, you name it. She should do some research on what the kids are wearing. Go to the popular preteen stores with her son. They’ll probably find some cool colorful clothes to make them both happy.

Holy shit! That NEVER occurred to me or dh. I'm going to mention this ( gently) to my friend's wife.

Thanks, Traci. I think this is very insightful. The urgency of this wardrobe change is just so out of context ...

So, ladies, for those of you who have children with special needs and are older, when did you transition the colorful clothes to more mature colors?

Um, never. My kids have always been allowed to pick their own clothes, regardless of how wild or "not popular" they may be. And yes, my youngest has had unusual or "less mature" tastes at times. So what? It's what he wants to wear. It's a stupid battle to pick IMO.

And honestly in some ways it seems like kids these days are much more accepting of the unusual or out of the norm than adults are. Kids these days are accepting of all pronouns and all genders regardless of how you were born. You think a little thing like bright colors is going to phase them?

I hate to say it but I don't think your friend is doing this to spare her son from embarrassment. I think she's doing it to spare herself from embarrassment. To that I'd tell her to get her head out of her ass and let the poor kid wear what he wants.

[Anonymous 7]

Your friend is so F***ing beyond stupid right now both of my middle school sons wear nothing but bright colored under armor brand freaking clothing I can't buy them anything else because they don't want it. She needs to just the boy wear what he is comfortable in.