Back to School and age appropriate wardrobe ...

Traci_Momof2
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cgd5112 wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 10:34 am
So, ladies, for those of you who have children with special needs and are older, when did you transition the colorful clothes to more mature colors?
Um, never. My kids have always been allowed to pick their own clothes, regardless of how wild or "not popular" they may be. And yes, my youngest has had unusual or "less mature" tastes at times. So what? It's what he wants to wear. It's a stupid battle to pick IMO.

And honestly in some ways it seems like kids these days are much more accepting of the unusual or out of the norm than adults are. Kids these days are accepting of all pronouns and all genders regardless of how you were born. You think a little thing like bright colors is going to phase them?

I hate to say it but I don't think your friend is doing this to spare her son from embarrassment. I think she's doing it to spare herself from embarrassment. To that I'd tell her to get her head out of her ass and let the poor kid wear what he wants.
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I have 3 neurodivergent children. One dresses like the female equivalent of Sheldon Cooper, one will only wear white, grey or black and the other dresses like your friends son. I have never ever considered telling any of them to change their wardrobe and none of them have been bullied for what they wear.

I don't know you should tell your friend. It sounds like she's placing her insecurities over having a neurodivergent child on her child and trying to make him conform to what SHE thinks he should look like. He's different and is always going to be different. She should be teaching him how to accept himself for who he is and embrace what makes him happy, not making him miserable trying to conform to a version of someone he's not.
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Holy shit! That NEVER occurred to me or dh. I'm going to mention this ( gently) to my friend's wife.

Thanks, Traci. I think this is very insightful. The urgency of this wardrobe change is just so out of context ...

Traci_Momof2 wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 3:36 pm
cgd5112 wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 10:34 am
So, ladies, for those of you who have children with special needs and are older, when did you transition the colorful clothes to more mature colors?
Um, never. My kids have always been allowed to pick their own clothes, regardless of how wild or "not popular" they may be. And yes, my youngest has had unusual or "less mature" tastes at times. So what? It's what he wants to wear. It's a stupid battle to pick IMO.

And honestly in some ways it seems like kids these days are much more accepting of the unusual or out of the norm than adults are. Kids these days are accepting of all pronouns and all genders regardless of how you were born. You think a little thing like bright colors is going to phase them?

I hate to say it but I don't think your friend is doing this to spare her son from embarrassment. I think she's doing it to spare herself from embarrassment. To that I'd tell her to get her head out of her ass and let the poor kid wear what he wants.
cgd5112
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Traci just mentioned the same thing as you. It never occurred to me or dh. I plan om mentioning this to her wife. She's coming over after they get back from vacation.
The urgency of this is just ridiculous.

PoplarGrove wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 4:04 pm I have 3 neurodivergent children. One dresses like the female equivalent of Sheldon Cooper, one will only wear white, grey or black and the other dresses like your friends son. I have never ever considered telling any of them to change their wardrobe and none of them have been bullied for what they wear.

I don't know you should tell your friend. It sounds like she's placing her insecurities over having a neurodivergent child on her child and trying to make him conform to what SHE thinks he should look like. He's different and is always going to be different. She should be teaching him how to accept himself for who he is and embrace what makes him happy, not making him miserable trying to conform to a version of someone he's not.
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IMO, coaching a child, who struggles with social awkwardness & relating to peers (but desires to do so) on how to follow typical social norms (including dress & clothing) is not selfish, self-absorbed, nor bullying. But after reading all the responses, I do not feel comfortable sharing a lot detail now. So to summarize:

We had a lot of discussions about human & group behavior, appearance, and subconcious bias. Lots of Youtube videos, LOL.
We started small contests and fun activities to celebrate small little changes in his wardrobe, such as wearing black shorts around the house.
We scripted comebacks to potential mean peers, and practiced so he would know how it might feel, & had ideas on how to respond. We've done that with all types of social situation though.
We organize his closet together during non-stressful times, with outfits he agrees to wear & remove other options completely from the home.
We shop together and try to incorporate his wants into more stylish options.
We promote & support social peers groups, so he feels confident to be himself and does have support, no matter what he wears.
cgd5112 wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 12:36 pm Thank you.

He is going in to a SPED classroom as a homeroom. BUT he will be in at least 3 grade level classes ( English language arts, Social studies, basic math, and PE). For art and some other classes he'll be with his home room bc he has sensory challenges and cannot tolerate some art textures and struggles with paint brushing.

I do know he will NOT tell her when kids are insulting him or bullying. It's happened before and other kids are the ones who come to his aid. He will not/can not verbalize what was said to him.

As for friends, I don't know. He is getting a 2:1 ( him and a peer w an aide) aide to help with navigating the school/getting to the grade level classes, his locker, etcl. I honestly do not know how that works for him. He does have two friends who are also in SPED with him, but will probably only see them in homeroom/SPED and in P, and at lunch time. For breaks and lunch his IEP goals include him eating lunch at the cafeteria with everyone else. The aide is suppose to stay back and watch over him while he eats with his friends. He is not suppose to go in to the bathrooms alone, BUT he keeps asserting his right to privacy at home ( bedroom and bathroom). So my friend is concerned he may not want the aide to accompany him to the bathroom at school.

Please share what you did. This has become a point of contention between my friend, her wife, and of course their son. Her wife wants hime to "wear whatever" and focus on him being successful at school.

LiveWhatULove wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 10:57 am This conversation is near and dear to my heart

*hugs* to your friend.

Now, the idealistic answer, I always want to tell my son, “you be you, screw them”.

BUT

I caved.

Is he in normal classes? Is his IQ and problem solving OK? How does he do with mean comments directed at him? What sort of friend group, if any, will he have at the school?

I can share what we have done with my son, but it may not apply.
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Thank you for your perspective. It is easy for us to judge and jump to conclusions. I think I certainly have , without having a good conversation with my friend.

I do want to express that it was not my intention to make you uncomfortable/judged for having a different opinion than the ones expressed in this thread. It is through conversation and expression of different ideas that we understand one another and have compassion and sympathy and most importantly, understanding.

I'll have to tell my friends to look up youtube videos on human and group behaviors/bias/etc. It may help both my friend and her son. So thank you. And btw, how the heck did you find out about youtube videos on these topics? It's brilliant!
LiveWhatULove wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 4:24 pm IMO, coaching a child, who struggles with social awkwardness & relating to peers (but desires to do so) on how to follow typical social norms (including dress & clothing) is not selfish, self-absorbed, nor bullying. But after reading all the responses, I do not feel comfortable sharing a lot detail now. So to summarize:

We had a lot of discussions about human & group behavior, appearance, and subconcious bias. Lots of Youtube videos, LOL.
We started small contests and fun activities to celebrate small little changes in his wardrobe, such as wearing black shorts around the house.
We scripted comebacks to potential mean peers, and practiced so he would know how it might feel, & had ideas on how to respond. We've done that with all types of social situation though.
We organize his closet together during non-stressful times, with outfits he agrees to wear & remove other options completely from the home.
We shop together and try to incorporate his wants into more stylish options.
We promote & support social peers groups, so he feels confident to be himself and does have support, no matter what he wears.
cgd5112 wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 12:36 pm Thank you.

He is going in to a SPED classroom as a homeroom. BUT he will be in at least 3 grade level classes ( English language arts, Social studies, basic math, and PE). For art and some other classes he'll be with his home room bc he has sensory challenges and cannot tolerate some art textures and struggles with paint brushing.

I do know he will NOT tell her when kids are insulting him or bullying. It's happened before and other kids are the ones who come to his aid. He will not/can not verbalize what was said to him.

As for friends, I don't know. He is getting a 2:1 ( him and a peer w an aide) aide to help with navigating the school/getting to the grade level classes, his locker, etcl. I honestly do not know how that works for him. He does have two friends who are also in SPED with him, but will probably only see them in homeroom/SPED and in P, and at lunch time. For breaks and lunch his IEP goals include him eating lunch at the cafeteria with everyone else. The aide is suppose to stay back and watch over him while he eats with his friends. He is not suppose to go in to the bathrooms alone, BUT he keeps asserting his right to privacy at home ( bedroom and bathroom). So my friend is concerned he may not want the aide to accompany him to the bathroom at school.

Please share what you did. This has become a point of contention between my friend, her wife, and of course their son. Her wife wants hime to "wear whatever" and focus on him being successful at school.

LiveWhatULove wrote: Wed Aug 10, 2022 10:57 am This conversation is near and dear to my heart

*hugs* to your friend.

Now, the idealistic answer, I always want to tell my son, “you be you, screw them”.

BUT

I caved.

Is he in normal classes? Is his IQ and problem solving OK? How does he do with mean comments directed at him? What sort of friend group, if any, will he have at the school?

I can share what we have done with my son, but it may not apply.
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Quorra2.0
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Idk…none of my kids are sn, I’ve just always let them wear what they wanted as long as it was appropriate. I can understand why she is doing this but I think that sounds pretty traumatizing. Her child is already going to have the stress of transitioning schools and navigating middle school, I don’t think compounding that stress by forcing him to change what he prefers to wear is the best thing to do. Bright colors aren’t exactly taboo in middle school. My mdd wore a lot of fluorescents in middle school. My ydd wore a variety on dress down days.
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I don't know your friend but I already don't like her.

She sounds like my mom and her outdated BS things she comes up with about my kids. Girls should ALWAYS have long hair, boys hair should be short.

My 16 year old shouldn't dye her hair weird colors, she should dress like all the other girls in crop tops and jeans..... Okay I that is not a battle I will fight with a Theatre kid.. She has short little mermaid red anime looking short spikey hair and 1/2 the time she looks like she raided hot topic and the 1/2 the time she looks like a homeless hippie. She's clean and the clothes fit... that's all I ask.

Same with my son and his long hair, that he keeps just short enough to fit under his JROTC beret and only cuts it when Sargent Major makes him. Otherwise he would have it down to his butt. This kid lives in sweats and a t-shirt. Again clean and clothing fits.

Youngest 13, she a has short pixie cut and wears whatever crazy combo she pulls out of her closet. She has special needs and clothes again are not a battle I fight... They fit and she's clean. Does she match? Nope.... But if that's what she wants to wear then I allow it.
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I have had 4 kids go through middle school and had no idea bright colored shirts were taboo. I mean yesterday my DD wore a winnie the pooh shirt and she is 15. My son 13 has neon colored shorts he loves. Really had no idea this wasn't 'right'
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That's a tough situation. I understand a parent wanting their SNs child to fit in at school but it's a fine line between asking them to change to fit in rather than embrace their different-ness with confidence. My son didn't wear sleeves or long pants until he was an adult and sure, there were times that he was teased but most of the time the kids understood and sometimes even embraced his weirdness. Some of his friends have stated that they miss the old "Bill style" but they are equally embracing his new style (cowboy hat, jean jacket with sleeves cut out, and hiking pants), lol.

Bottom line for me was that muting or forcing a change of clothing was not going to make him "blend". He had too many challenges to ever blend in. So I worked on his confidence and helped him pursue interests which enabled him to make friends with similar interests. That friend group, some of whom were equally weirdly dressed, offered him protection both emotionally and physically from the bullies. The bullies were never going to accept him no matter what he wore.
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