Back to School and age appropriate wardrobe ...

[cgd5112]

So some of know that my dear friend's son is autistic and verbal. He is starting middle school this fall. He loves colorful clothes ( they match ). He has a bright red and black backpack she bought for him made from material from a fireman's gear ( not sure what or how) a few years back that still fits him . It's large capacity that will probably last forever.

She's concerned that his love of bright colors ( anything that is not Under Armour ( grey black or some other dull or muted color ) will make him stick out in school and be stigmatizing. She plans on changing out his whole wardrobe to more muted colors come fall. Tis month she started the project before they went on vacation. He came in to his room and started crying when he saw the pile of clothes on his bed. He thought they were all dirty and that my friend was going to have him help her take them downstairs to wash. She told him other kids need his clothes and she would be getting him new clothes "like your new friends at middle school". He had an absolute meltdown and it took him a better part of over 2 hours to recover.

On the day they left for vacation, he wanted to pack ALL his clothes so no kids would come and take them. She Ordered the new clothes and figured by the time they get back from vacation, they'd arrived and she could turn over his closet.

I suggested she start with combining the clothes ( new muted and old bright) if she was hard set on doing this. I don't know if he will, though.

We gifted him a gift card to a clothing store when he graduated from elementary this past June. He wants to order a beautiful teal green polo. My friend suggested the grey one and he screamed, ran off to his room and cried in his closet for over a half hour. She is mortified by his reaction tooth's transition.

So, ladies, for those of you who have children with special needs and are older, when did you transition the colorful clothes to more mature colors (that's what she calls this- a mature transition)? Any tips on how this can happen smoothly? Would you even do it? I would like to help her , but I don't think my idea will be helpful given his reaction.

[Baconqueen13]

f**k your friend. Let him wear the bright colors. As long as he isn't breaking school dress code, the clothes don't have holes all over them, and are in good condition then the color doesn't matter. If she's worried about bullying then that's an issue she needs to address with the school and school counselor so they can keep an eye on things because I guarantee at the middle school age it doesn't matter what someone is wearing there will be bullies regardless as middle school kids are assholes. Not that the kid here has to worry too much from the sounds of it he's already being bullied by his mom so the kids will be easier to handle.

I was going to start by saying with all due respect f**k her but no, there's no respect for a woman who would traumatize her kid this way over the color of clothing. Autistic or not. Let the kid wear what he wants.

[carterscutie85]

They are literally just clothes. Let him wear what he wants. He could be the coolest, most fashionable, most popular kid there ever was and people will still find a reason to pick on him.

I wasn't allowed to pick out my own clothes until I was 14 and I absolutely hated my Mom for it because she wasn't letting me express who I was, just who she wanted me to be.

Just yesterday my teen got a new pair of glasses. I let him pick out whatever frames he wanted. It doesn't matter what I thought. They are his glasses. Last year he picked out the most God awful ugly shoes I've ever seen, but again, his shoes, he wears them, so it's not up to me.

[LiveWhatULove]

This conversation is near and dear to my heart

*hugs* to your friend.

Now, the idealistic answer, I always want to tell my son, “you be you, screw them”.

BUT

I caved.

Is he in normal classes? Is his IQ and problem solving OK? How does he do with mean comments directed at him? What sort of friend group, if any, will he have at the school?

I can share what we have done with my son, but it may not apply.

[Anonymous 1]

I don't think wearing bright clothes is going to make him stick out. Kids wear all kinds of stuff in middle school. Some wear cartoon graphic Ts. As long as his clothes are clean and fit with in the dress code, I would say let him wear what he wants.

[mcginnisc]

Has she not seen what middle school kids wear these days? I mean.. come on. Autistic or not.. they were bright colors, muted colors, etc.. I'm around elementary, middle and high schoolers every Monday and we have kids that wear youtuber hoodies over their uniform shirts, sweaters, bright leggings with flowers on them..
My own kid wears a hoodie over her shirt or takes one with her.. sometimes she will wear a button up "dad shirt" as she calls them ( think Hawaiian shirt) over her shirt. She is 14 and a freshman. Her almost 17 year old sister will wear "dad shirts" every week over her shirt. My 14 year old just bought a TommyInit baseball hoodie- it is bright red. She wears it all the time and it is hot as crap here.
Tell her to get over herself and just let her son wear what he wants. All she is doing is traumatizing him over clothing. Is his mental health worth switching clothing to avoid bullying? I can't fathom doing that to my child.

[Pjmm]

I don’t understand your friend’s problem. It’s one thing if he wants to go to school in a skirt or tutu. For that one has to be mentally strong to handle the bullying and idc what anyone has to say on the matter. But my son chose certain clothes and I let him. Middle school sucks anyway and if bright colors make him happy so be it. Most kids I know wear them which is why I’m confused.

[mommy_jules]

f**k your friend. Let him wear the bright colors. As long as he isn't breaking school dress code, the clothes don't have holes all over them, and are in good condition then the color doesn't matter. If she's worried about bullying then that's an issue she needs to address with the school and school counselor so they can keep an eye on things because I guarantee at the middle school age it doesn't matter what someone is wearing there will be bullies regardless as middle school kids are assholes. Not that the kid here has to worry too much from the sounds of it he's already being bullied by his mom so the kids will be easier to handle.

I was going to start by saying with all due respect f**k her but no, there's no respect for a woman who would traumatize her kid this way over the color of clothing. Autistic or not. Let the kid wear what he wants.

As a mom of a verbal autistic almost teenager, I support this message.

ETA: Colorful clothing isn’t my son’s thing, but color of clothing is not something that I would even have thought to transition out of or into. Abrupt transitions and changes are difficult for neurotypical children, and they can be traumatic and debilitating to a neurodivergent child. What your friend did comes off as insensitive if not downright cruel. There is nothing about this situation that I understand. Why does he need to wear muted colors? How is muted colors “age appropriate”? Why can’t he have a teal shirt? Why the hell would you abruptly change his clothing without his knowledge beforehand? None of her actions and reasonings make any sense to me. If and that’s a big if, I’d gradually transition my son into more “age appropriate” clothing with his consent and participation with lots of explaining and reassuring along the way.

[LuckyEightWow]

f**k your friend. Let him wear the bright colors. As long as he isn't breaking school dress code, the clothes don't have holes all over them, and are in good condition then the color doesn't matter. If she's worried about bullying then that's an issue she needs to address with the school and school counselor so they can keep an eye on things because I guarantee at the middle school age it doesn't matter what someone is wearing there will be bullies regardless as middle school kids are assholes. Not that the kid here has to worry too much from the sounds of it he's already being bullied by his mom so the kids will be easier to handle.

I was going to start by saying with all due respect f**k her but no, there's no respect for a woman who would traumatize her kid this way over the color of clothing. Autistic or not. Let the kid wear what he wants.

I agree with this.

The problem is your friend, not her kid.

[cgd5112]

LOL! Thanks, Bacon. I think I'll relay the rated PG version of your opinion to her . I do agree with you. I just have to make time to have a full conversation with her when he's with his ABA therapist.

f**k your friend. Let him wear the bright colors. As long as he isn't breaking school dress code, the clothes don't have holes all over them, and are in good condition then the color doesn't matter. If she's worried about bullying then that's an issue she needs to address with the school and school counselor so they can keep an eye on things because I guarantee at the middle school age it doesn't matter what someone is wearing there will be bullies regardless as middle school kids are assholes. Not that the kid here has to worry too much from the sounds of it he's already being bullied by his mom so the kids will be easier to handle.

I was going to start by saying with all due respect f**k her but no, there's no respect for a woman who would traumatize her kid this way over the color of clothing. Autistic or not. Let the kid wear what he wants.