She's only 14 years old... :( *Trigger warning*

[agander2017]

So, this might be a long post, and I'm sorry. I really don't know what to do, and I want to help her.

My sister in laws 14 year old step daughter tried to kill herself a couple of weeks ago. I found out this last Saturday at a family gathering. When I asked her why, she said because her, and my SIL are always fighting, and she is just tired of it. I can't explain how much my heart broke when I heard that. She's always been a sweet girl. Now for the past month or so, my SIL has been telling me that her step daughter (Lets call her Becky) is out of control. She has been telling me that Becky is running away, having S*x with multiple boys, and just not listening to anything anyone tells her. I hadn't seen Becky in a few months. I didn't know what to believe, as SIL has a tendency to bend the truth in her favor. Well, after talking to Becky for a good 45 minutes the other day, and spending the entire day with her, I've noticed no change at all in her personality. I would think that an out of control teen would show signs of it in her personality. She was the same sweet girl she has always been, but she just seemed so much more grown up that she had before. She seemed sad when it came right down to it. I didn't even notice it until we were having our private talk.

I told her that her life is worth more than she thinks it is. I made sure she knew that if she killed herself, this family would be devastated. On top of the fighting with her step mom, her bio mom has been in and out of jail her entire life. And her only living biological grandparent is dying. I think she just has the weight of all of that on her shoulders, and she doesn't have anyone she can talk to. I gave her my phone number, and told her if she ever needed to talk, or needed to get away for a bit to call me. We talked about a lot. We talked about the friends she hangs out with. I told her if she's going to have S*x, that she needs to make sure she's protected. Not just from pregnancy, but from STDs. I told her to never leave a drink unattended at a party. To never get in the car with someone that hand been drinking. Then she confessed that she was at a party, and she was drinking soda. She said she started feeling sick, and when she woke up a little bit later she had no idea what happened to her. She said it scared her pretty bad, and I can imagine it would.

Now, I know she's not my daughter. Her dad isn't much of a father either, though I think this episode of her trying to kill herself may have opened his eyes a bit. At least I hope it has. She's a smart girl. She's going to graduate high school a year early, and she wants to be a nurse.

My question is this. How do I help her? I'm the only one she told about what happened, and SIL hasn't told anyone either. I am so scared that she's going to try to kill herself again. Do I contact her dad and ask if I can take her out for a girls night a couple of times a month? Do I just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best? I don't want to overstep bounds more than I already have by giving her my phone number and telling her to call me if she ever needed to. Then at the same time, I don't want her to feel like she's alone in this world. She said she felt very alone. She needs some good friends, and someone that she can trust to talk to.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

[Pjmm]

You can be out of control and show a sweet face when need be. Your sil could be right. I wouldn't involve myself in that fight. All you can do is tell the father you're concerned and see if he thinks the girls day out would help. And be there for the girl. But I'd tell the father things she said concerned you and you believe she needs counseling if she's not getting it.

[leadfoot40]

You can be out of control and show a sweet face when need be. Your sil could be right. I wouldn't involve myself in that fight. All you can do is tell the father you're concerned and see if he thinks the girls day out would help. And be there for the girl. But I'd tell the father things she said concerned you and you believe she needs counseling if she's not getting it.

[leadfoot40]

You can be out of control and show a sweet face when need be. Your sil could be right. I wouldn't involve myself in that fight. All you can do is tell the father you're concerned and see if he thinks the girls day out would help. And be there for the girl. But I'd tell the father things she said concerned you and you believe she needs counseling if she's not getting it.

[That'swhatshesaid]

You can be out of control and show a sweet face when need be. Your sil could be right. I wouldn't involve myself in that fight. All you can do is tell the father you're concerned and see if he thinks the girls day out would help. And be there for the girl. But I'd tell the father things she said concerned you and you believe she needs counseling if she's not getting it.

I agree.

[EarlGrayHot]

As for the actual content, I think you're doing the right thing by offering to take her out at times but you should ask the questions that will help you evaluate what the girl is really doing. Talk with her dad to see if his story matches the mother's story.

If you would actually place an informative title on this thread then people can avoid it if they want but "trigger warning" is ridiculous. It tells a reader nothing and adults ought to be able to read an accurate title without freaking out anyway.

[agander2017]

As for the actual content, I think you're doing the right thing by offering to take her out at times but you should ask the questions that will help you evaluate what the girl is really doing. Talk with her dad to see if his story matches the mother's story.

If you would actually place an informative title on this thread then people can avoid it if they want but "trigger warning" is ridiculous. It tells a reader nothing and adults ought to be able to read an accurate title without freaking out anyway.

I put the trigger warning on it for the mention of suicide. I didn't want to put it in the title, because I didn't know if just reading that word would trigger someone. I also didn't want the title to be "She tried t kill herself" because that could also be a trigger for some people.

Like I said in the post, my SIL has a knack for bending the truth to make it seem like it's someone else causing the problem. With that being said, I would think there would be some change in her personality if she was really doing all the things my SIL says she's doing. I just don't know.

[LuckyEightWow]

We had a very rough year or two with my second child, and by rough I mean I kicked her out at almost 17 years of age, BUT around everyone else she was a sweet girl, she really was a sweet girl but she was also troubled for a while. Kids can be both so don’t be fooled by that. (Oh and my daughter is fine now and will say she’s surprised I didn’t send her away lol)

You did what you could do, you let her know that you are available, after that it is up to the child to reach out.

[Anonymous 1]

As for the actual content, I think you're doing the right thing by offering to take her out at times but you should ask the questions that will help you evaluate what the girl is really doing. Talk with her dad to see if his story matches the mother's story.

If you would actually place an informative title on this thread then people can avoid it if they want but "trigger warning" is ridiculous. It tells a reader nothing and adults ought to be able to read an accurate title without freaking out anyway.

Being 18 months out from my daughter's attempted suicide I appreciated that there was a trigger warning. When I opened it I expected rape, suicide or accidental death. Adults should be able to read something without freaking out but until you have PTSD from an event you can't really understand what seeing certain word does to a person. Had I been having a bad day I would have chosen not to open the post until I was in a better frame of mind. Telling people there's a trigger in a post is a courtesy that some people appreciate.

[Traci_Momof2]

IMO, since it is literally the girl's life hanging in the balance, I wouldn't worry about overstepping bounds. Do whatever you think will be helpful to Becky and don't worry about anyone else. They'll get over stepped on toes much easier than they would Becky's suicide.

And I'm no expert, but I think part of the problem is that for kids this age it's too easy to think that they truly have no other options. They aren't adults who can make their own decisions. If they are in a crappy situation it can really feel like they have no way out. So I think to whatever extent you can, offer her options. Make sure she knows there is always another way. Make sure she knows what ways you can offer her, and that she can use them whenever she is feeling trapped and alone.