I could really use a sounding board

[Anonymous 1]

DD won the lottery for several high schools in our area, and ultimately picked one without AP classes, but where she could graduate with her Associate's degree.

She kept a full load of high school classes on top of taking dual enrollment through community college because she liked her high school classes, and enjoyed the teachers/students there. She's in 11th grade now and is about 40% done with an Associate to Transfer (AS-T) in Computer Science, but the kind of classes she has left are the hardest: Calculus with Analytical Geometry, Physics with Calculus, etc. She's on her last programming class, and is finding this one harder than the rest. But, she's taken so many classes through both high school and community college that she will only need two classes to graduate next year.

She wants to take the basic English course through the community college for Spring 2020, and not take any other community college courses. Then for senior year she wants to only have one class she needs to graduate, keep the rest of her school day open for free periods, and not take any more community college classes. She doesn't want to do extracurriculars. She doesn't want to work, unless she can find a friend who will do something fun, like work at a clothing store they like and would get an employee discount at.

She says school doesn't make her happy. Clubs and sports don't make her happy. Computer Science doesn't make her happy, and she thinks she wants to switch to an easy major. Hanging out with her friends makes her happy, and she thinks it's important for her mental health that we let her go out.

DH thinks this is all happening because she has a boyfriend now. Her boyfriend is a senior and has a full load of classes. He needs to pass every single class to graduate, and he already had a detention for skipping fifteen classes this year. His friends have become her friends, and although they're all seniors she's not worried about being alone next year because she thinks a lot of them aren't going to be able to graduate this year.

She really does have a lot of schoolwork, though. The way her school is set up, she's taking five core courses for seven months of the school year, and then two months of the school year is spent taking two electives. On top of that she's taking 11 units through community college. So, it feels real to me that she says she's stressed and overwhelmed.

DH says she's not stressed and overwhelmed, and instead is just being influenced by these new friends. He also makes a good point that her community college classes are tuition free as long as she's still in high school. And, I know this isn't her problem, but he was offered a promotion making more money in a lower cost of living area, and he ended up not going because he didn't want to move her from her friends and this school he thought was an incredible opportunity.

Then we have last night. She didn't come home from school until very late, almost 9pm. She had been smoking pot and said her boyfriend couldn't drive her home earlier because he was high. We tried to talk to her, and she said she couldn't imagine being a high school student who cared about college.

She says she always feels stressed out, but the few times she's tried pot she stops feeling stressed. She said she cries everyday and needs a break. And that she'll make sure she passes all her classes with C's, but she no longer cares about grades.

Between freshman and sophomore year, she had a 3.63 gpa for her high school classes and 3.59 for her college classes. So, she's not a straight A student, but she's always been a student who tried.

[Anonymous 2]

DD won the lottery for several high schools in our area, and ultimately picked one without AP classes, but where she could graduate with her Associate's degree.

She kept a full load of high school classes on top of taking dual enrollment through community college because she liked her high school classes, and enjoyed the teachers/students there. She's in 11th grade now and is about 40% done with an Associate to Transfer (AS-T) in Computer Science, but the kind of classes she has left are the hardest: Calculus with Analytical Geometry, Physics with Calculus, etc. She's on her last programming class, and is finding this one harder than the rest. But, she's taken so many classes through both high school and community college that she will only need two classes to graduate next year.

She wants to take the basic English course through the community college for Spring 2020, and not take any other community college courses. Then for senior year she wants to only have one class she needs to graduate, keep the rest of her school day open for free periods, and not take any more community college classes. She doesn't want to do extracurriculars. She doesn't want to work, unless she can find a friend who will do something fun, like work at a clothing store they like and would get an employee discount at.

She says school doesn't make her happy. Clubs and sports don't make her happy. Computer Science doesn't make her happy, and she thinks she wants to switch to an easy major. Hanging out with her friends makes her happy, and she thinks it's important for her mental health that we let her go out.

DH thinks this is all happening because she has a boyfriend now. Her boyfriend is a senior and has a full load of classes. He needs to pass every single class to graduate, and he already had a detention for skipping fifteen classes this year. His friends have become her friends, and although they're all seniors she's not worried about being alone next year because she thinks a lot of them aren't going to be able to graduate this year.

She really does have a lot of schoolwork, though. The way her school is set up, she's taking five core courses for seven months of the school year, and then two months of the school year is spent taking two electives. On top of that she's taking 11 units through community college. So, it feels real to me that she says she's stressed and overwhelmed.

DH says she's not stressed and overwhelmed, and instead is just being influenced by these new friends. He also makes a good point that her community college classes are tuition free as long as she's still in high school. And, I know this isn't her problem, but he was offered a promotion making more money in a lower cost of living area, and he ended up not going because he didn't want to move her from her friends and this school he thought was an incredible opportunity.

Then we have last night. She didn't come home from school until very late, almost 9pm. She had been smoking pot and said her boyfriend couldn't drive her home earlier because he was high. We tried to talk to her, and she said she couldn't imagine being a high school student who cared about college.

She says she always feels stressed out, but the few times she's tried pot she stops feeling stressed. She said she cries everyday and needs a break. And that she'll make sure she passes all her classes with C's, but she no longer cares about grades.

Between freshman and sophomore year, she had a 3.63 gpa for her high school classes and 3.59 for her college classes. So, she's not a straight A student, but she's always been a student who tried.

Are you just venting or asking what we would do?
I would push my kid to take all the hard classes she has left before taking any soft easy classes.
I would also insist that she take as many free college classes as she can if the credits would transfer as well.
None of my kids were interested in boyfriends or girlfriends in high school, they were more interested in their academics. We were lucky in this regard and it was never an issue but we wouldnt have allowed any dating anyway
We wouldnt have any control over eating lunch together, holding hands or walking each other to class but it would have stopped the second school was over.
The last and youngest is in 10th grade and is solely focused on his classes, football, basketball and baseball in the spring

[Anonymous 3]

It sounds like she's burned out. I'd let her have that break. You don't want her to fly off the handle and go batshit crazy and run away from home. Not when you can allow her to just take a short break. She's already so ahead in everything else in school that she deserves a break.
What does she do for fun? Does she exercise? When was the last time she had some just ME time? When was the last vacation you went on as a family?

To me it sounds like she just needs some fun in her life. She's a teenager.

[Anonymous 4]

I would be impressed with her honestly but this is 100% about the boyfriend. I was the same way in high school and also took a college course. My school had a similar program. I threw it all away including going to U of M to stay with my loser boyfriend. The more my mom pushed us apart the harder we fought it. I stayed with him until I was 21. Up until then I let him ruin my life left and right with his trash behavior. It ended up working out for me but I had to learn the VERY hard way. I made my life 10x harder by choosing to be with him. I hope it goes better for your daughter. He’s getting in her head and trying to steer her away from school/college because he knows she’ll move on to bigger and better things and leave him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts steering her away from friends and family. Been there, done that.

[californiagirl83]

The easy answer is 'its the boyfriend'. But it's sounding a bit like she's burning out. It's time you sat down with her to discuss what she wants in life, and instead of pushing an agenda, listen to her side.

[MrsDavidB]

She doesn't seem to be doing anything too terrible. I'd give her a little room for a break. Let her enjoy these last 2 years of high school. Just keep an eye on her that she isn't devoting too much time to the bf or getting stoned every day and not caring anymore.

[Anonymous 5]

I went to school with a absolute brilliant guy. Highest marks in math, and science. He got full scholarships at many universities and ended up talking a Engineering course at one of them. During his first semester he felt he had made a horrible decision and engineering was not for him. He could not see himself in the engineering field for the rest of his life. His father told him to finish his year, which he did. He dropped out of university after that year and ended up in trade school for truck mechanic, he still works as one and loves every minute of it.

Your daughter may be realizing that what she thought she wanted to do is not what she actually wants to do. What you need to do is sit down with her and talk about what she sees herself doing in the future. However I still would be talking to her about her dedication and her thinking C's are okay to get. I still think that if you change your mind that is fine but do not close the door and do not look back and think - I should have tried harder.

[Anonymous 6]

My kids would never be that lazy

[Anonymous 7]

This is why you don't allow a 16 year old to determine if you move or not. I remember when you posted on the other site, that your husband was offered this amazing job, but turned it down because dd didn't want to go. Turns out she should not have been the deciding factor.

It sounds like she is burnt out, and easily influenced by the boyfriend. This isn't about what she doesn't want to do, it is about what she wants to do. Start with a long heart to heart conversation with her, many conversations, then listen to your gut

[Fourmonkeys]

I know, right? A sounding board is supposed to be a group of people you bounce ideas off of before you go ahead with your proposed plan. But DH and I aren't on the same page, so there is no real plan.

I want to give her a break, but still want that structure. So, sure you can forgo dual enrollment, as long as you do extracurriculars, work, volunteer, etc. I'm willing to be very flexible, as long as we're talking about something other than her just hanging out while she takes a gap year in high school.

Are you just venting or asking what we would do?
I would push my kid to take all the hard classes she has left before taking any soft easy classes.
I would also insist that she take as many free college classes as she can if the credits would transfer as well.
None of my kids were interested in boyfriends or girlfriends in high school, they were more interested in their academics. We were lucky in this regard and it was never an issue but we wouldnt have allowed any dating anyway
We wouldnt have any control over eating lunch together, holding hands or walking each other to class but it would have stopped the second school was over.
The last and youngest is in 10th grade and is solely focused on his classes, football, basketball and baseball in the spring
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