Helping family

[Anonymous 8]

I 100% agree that the partners need to consider what each of them want. (I'm wondering what she would do if she had 5 roommates and 1 said, "Nope. I don't want him here." It's my opinion that all roommates must agree before a guest is permitted to stay in their place for 2 weeks.)

Do you find anything wrong with a brother's wants taking precedence over the husband's (or in this case, SO's)?

If the brother NEEDED this, that might change things for me. But he didn't NEED it. He simply WANTED it. And his lack of planning should not mean that the husband should just be overridden.

Again...I could see if this was a NEED. But it's not a need. And not that this is what happened; but if the brother and OP made arrangements before discussing with the husband, that is very wrong...IMO.

I can't imagine my DH or myself just disregarding each other...to accommodate a want of one of our family members. My DH and I put each other first.

It makes ZERO sense to jeopardize your relationship with your partner to simply accommodate the want of another person (even if that other person is a family member).

Let's keep in mind that this is a want of the brother and not a need. I'd be damned if I'd create stress between my DH and self to accommodate a want.

His lack of planning would not be constituting an emergency on my part.

This all seems very foolish to me. Disregarding your partner's wishes and doing whatever you want shows how much value you place on your relationship with that partner.

Do what you want to do. But in your next post, don't try telling us that you value your relationship with your partner.

I see your side, but it's works both ways. You can write your post the EXACT SAME WAY for the other partner. FOR EXAMPLE:

It make ZERO sense to jeopardize your relationship with your partner to avoid accommodating his/her family in a separate space in our home.

Let's keep in mind that family is a need to many people, as it is unfair to a spouse to have to be the EVERYTHING and EVERYONE (it's not even healthy, people need social support). I'd be damned if I'd create guilt and stress by demanding my partner tell his family to go f**k themselves and find another place to live, when it is a viable physical and financial option to help, even though, I like my space.

... see what I am saying. Why do her values or his values take precedence?

If my DH said, "no", it's clear he doesn't share MY values and is essentially making me compromise what brings me inner balance and vice versa. It's not black & white.

[Anonymous 8]

I'm not opposed to helping family. I do it all the time.

But my DH's wants and our marriage comes before what my brother might want.

Either we both agree or it doesn't happen. I do see your point. But I just would not do it if my DH didn't want me to.

I will be peeved if my DH just said, "I'm sorry dear wife but by brother found a place to work here and he's staying here for the next 2 weeks whether you like it or not. Get over it."

Also, it can't be ignored that this house does not belong to OP. It belongs to her SO. If anyone's wants should take precedence over another's, it certainly should be the homeowner's...imo.

It makes ZERO sense to jeopardize your relationship with your partner to simply accommodate the want of another person (even if that other person is a family member).

Let's keep in mind that this is a want of the brother and not a need. I'd be damned if I'd create stress between my DH and self to accommodate a want.

His lack of planning would not be constituting an emergency on my part.

This all seems very foolish to me. Disregarding your partner's wishes and doing whatever you want shows how much value you place on your relationship with that partner.

Do what you want to do. But in your next post, don't try telling us that you value your relationship with your partner.

What about putting it another way?
He is also disregarding his partners wishes & the desire to help out family. So it sounds like he doesn’t value the relationship either.
My family is a constant, why wouldn’t they be a priority also?

[Anonymous 8]

Wow.

What about putting it another way?
He is also disregarding his partners wishes & the desire to help out family. So it sounds like he doesn’t value the relationship either.
My family is a constant, why wouldn’t they be a priority also?

Because its his home. He told her that the amount of people who would be staying would affect his mental health. You should never compromise your health. This is exacrly why my husband and I have agreed no one stays in oir home. If you want to visit you have to stay in a hotel. If you cant afford a hotel you cant afford to visit. These peole do not NEED help. They need to get their own place

If my partner wasn’t healthy enough to handle a visit from my family, he wouldn’t be my partner.

[bluebunnybabe]

Nope. Sorry.

We'd give money for an extended stay hotel to family before we allowed them to live here.

We have plenty of room, but this is our sanctuary. DH and I both have agreed from day one, " no family or guests more than 2 days".

It's best for everyone involved.

We’re the same, but three or four days. Anyone staying here for two weeks (which will probably turn in to more) isn’t happening.

[Bubbs]

Wow.

Because its his home. He told her that the amount of people who would be staying would affect his mental health. You should never compromise your health. This is exacrly why my husband and I have agreed no one stays in oir home. If you want to visit you have to stay in a hotel. If you cant afford a hotel you cant afford to visit. These peole do not NEED help. They need to get their own place

If my partner wasn’t healthy enough to handle a visit from my family, he wouldn’t be my partner.

Why wow?

[Bubbs]

I'm not opposed to helping family. I do it all the time.

But my DH's wants and our marriage comes before what my brother might want.

Either we both agree or it doesn't happen. I do see your point. But I just would not do it if my DH didn't want me to.

I will be peeved if my DH just said, "I'm sorry dear wife but by brother found a place to work here and he's staying here for the next 2 weeks whether you like it or not. Get over it."

Also, it can't be ignored that this house does not belong to OP. It belongs to her SO. If anyone's wants should take precedence over another's, it certainly should be the homeowner's...imo.

It makes ZERO sense to jeopardize your relationship with your partner to simply accommodate the want of another person (even if that other person is a family member).

Let's keep in mind that this is a want of the brother and not a need. I'd be damned if I'd create stress between my DH and self to accommodate a want.

His lack of planning would not be constituting an emergency on my part.

This all seems very foolish to me. Disregarding your partner's wishes and doing whatever you want shows how much value you place on your relationship with that partner.

Do what you want to do. But in your next post, don't try telling us that you value your relationship with your partner.

What about putting it another way?
He is also disregarding his partners wishes & the desire to help out family. So it sounds like he doesn’t value the relationship either.
My family is a constant, why wouldn’t they be a priority also?

If they are living life like a family, the deed to the home shouldn’t be a discussion in deciding who can visit.
I’ve lived a life where my family and friends did not feel welcome in my home. If someone made them feel that way, that would be an indication that I chose wrong.