Mom guilt

[Anonymous 1]

I know this is ridiculous mom guilt but I need reassurance!
When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to participate in extracurriculars beyond 4h because I was "just a girl." I wanted to do girl scouts and gymnastics but was always told no. My mom would come to school performances (think Christmas shows) but I can't remember one time my dad ever showed up to anything that was important to me. There were no trips to the park or the zoo or anything because it wasn't important to my dad. I always vowed to do better for my kids.
And I have. My kids have tried it all. Soccer, baseball, gymnastics, dance, crossfit, mountain biking, kick boxing, pe classes (they're homeschooled so it is an extra), church groups, scouting, archery, trap... if they want to try it and it fits in the schedule they are welcome to try it.
Well my youngest has joined a basketball team this year. We told them going in she had never played before and she may miss some because of her dance commitments (competition team) and they said that was fine. We found out later this is a varsity team because they didn't have enough girls to make 2 teams and 1 player had to play varsity level because of her age. My daughter spends a lot of the time during games sitting on the bench but there's another girl in the same position and they've become good friends.
She wants to go to the game tonight with this other girl and that's fine with me but she's saying I don't need to go and I'm struggling with not being there for her. She goes places without me that isn't the issue but things like games and performances I'm always there. This is the toughest team so she will likely only play 2 minutes of the game anyways and she knows it. It's an hour drive each way.
Someone assure me I'm not a terrible mom for not going to this game. I want her to have independence from me since she's a teenager but this trauma from when I was a kid (which goes far beyond what I've posted here) is making me feel like I'm letting her down.
Help me!

[highlandmum]

You are not a terrible mon if you do not go to the game. My son plays hockey and I have missed games, especially last year when he was billeted over 2 hours away, I was not travelling to a Wednesday game that was at 7:30pm, I would have been home after midnight. You sound like you are at most games for her, and support her. That is what is important, to support her, and tell her you are proud of her.

Let her go without you, when she gets home, ask her how the game was, that is how you can be there for her without actually being at the game.

[MonarchMom]

Being self-aware and examining your own upbringing can help you to choose be a better parent. But trying to perform "perfect" parenting can also create stress for your kids.

You can take participation too far, just like anything else. They need to know every little bump in the road or disappointment is not a big a deal. That is how they learn resilience.

Let her go on her own. Have a chat afterwards and ask how the game went. Trust her to express her need for you to be present when it matters to her. If you are constantly there she will have no room to grow her independence or learn to ask for support when she needs it.

[Anonymous 1]

Being self-aware and examining your own upbringing can help you to choose be a better parent. But trying to perform "perfect" parenting can also create stress for your kids.

You can take participation too far, just like anything else. They need to know every little bump in the road or disappointment is not a big a deal. That is how they learn resilience.

Let her go on her own. Have a chat afterwards and ask how the game went. Trust her to express her need for you to be present when it matters to her. If you are constantly there she will have no room to grow her independence or learn to ask for support when she needs it.

I'm far from a perfect parent and I absolutely trust my kids. They both compete in things so there's always disappointments and bumps in the road. And I'm not always there for everything just games and performances and such. For practices, homeschool dances, classes, etc. I always drop off so they can build independence.
But I know you're right that as they get older they don't always need me there. It's just hard. Thanks.

[Anonymous 1]

You are not a terrible mon if you do not go to the game. My son plays hockey and I have missed games, especially last year when he was billeted over 2 hours away, I was not travelling to a Wednesday game that was at 7:30pm, I would have been home after midnight. You sound like you are at most games for her, and support her. That is what is important, to support her, and tell her you are proud of her.

Let her go without you, when she gets home, ask her how the game was, that is how you can be there for her without actually being at the game.

Thanks I think I knew all of this deep down I just needed assurance that I was right.

[Olioxenfree]

I think your experience is causing you to overcompensate. We go to most home games, but I honestly don’t go to any of my kids away games and they know how much I support them. My parents didn’t go to my away games and I never at all felt like they didn’t care. It just logistically doesn’t make sense and I think my kids get a positive experience from having that independence, traveling and competing without a parent there. It lets them fully focus on their team. We put in the work to make sure they know that we care so that it’s never questioned when we can’t make it to something.

[Anonymous 1]

I think your experience is causing you to overcompensate. We go to most home games, but I honestly don’t go to any of my kids away games and they know how much I support them. My parents didn’t go to my away games and I never at all felt like they didn’t care. It just logistically doesn’t make sense and I think my kids get a positive experience from having that independence, traveling and competing without a parent there. It lets them fully focus on their team. We put in the work to make sure they know that we care so that it’s never questioned when we can’t make it to something.

Very possible. Since my kids have never been on a public school team them going without me has never even been a possibility until now. Normally I have no choice but to drive them. I feel much better about not going after these replies though.

[Anonymous 1]

I'm just over here easing my mom guilt by watching the live stream of her game she doesn't have to know I watched but it makes me feel better. She's just sitting on the bench as her team badly loses surprise surprise.

[Gorilla_Mama]

I’m with you in that if we have the money and time, my kids can participate in any extras they want. Sometimes that means I have to pick between activities, stick one or both on the bus and wish them loads of luck. I always make a point to ask how it went and really pay attention when they get home.