I Miss My Brother

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I lost my brother this past October after a 6 month fight with cancer. He fought with such grace and courage. He lost his tongue to cancer. Was butchered by his surgeon to create a replacement tongue, twice because the first flap failed. When he was diagnosed and in the hospital he was down around to 95 lbs. His normal weight was around 125. I was his main caregiver after my mother decided to make his illness all about her and he moved in with me last June. I blended his meals, I helped him with his meds, I took him to his daily radiation and chemo appointments. I cared for his cats. I helped him bathe. The last 2 hospital visits before he died, I camped out with him because by then the cancer had returned and spread to his liver, spine and lungs. And he was back down to under 100lbs again.

Every day something reminds me of him and I miss him. We refer to the 'back bedroom' as his room. Every grocery store trip reminds me of him. He was so focused on healing and rebuilding after surgery and his treatment that he was making fermented foods, and we were always making trips to the store together.

He was the youngest in the family. I am six years older than he was. We were always close. Even as children. I was the one who got him ready for preschool in the morning. It was my bed he would climb into when he had a bad dream.

He was such a talker, always running his mouth. I used to tease him about it too and would tell him to give me the condensed reader's digest version of his story. The last six months, he was unable to speak very much. He tried and it got so that we could understand small words and conversations. But mostly he wrote his thoughts down on a digital wipe board or texting. I miss his voice!

We never got to have THE conversation. His death caught us both by surprise. I was so focused on his healing. THAT was my job. I created a healing salve to heal his flap donor wounds. The wound under his neck where they sliced him open to cut his diseased tongue out. I made high calorie meals, high in protein to build him back up. We had conversations about the future, what to look forward too, how this was an opportunity to try his hand at writing. He even talked about a writing project with my daughter.

I never really had a chance to say goodbye. I was there when his heart rate was slowing and I was able to call my sister and put the phone to his ear so she could say goodbye. But the night before he died, I had no idea how close to death he was. I thought it was just one more hurdle we had to overcome.

In hindsight, when my husband came home and told me last spring that he'd gotten a call from my sister that my brother was in the hospital with cancer, I knew I'd be burying him in 6 months. My cat, Max, had exactly the same cancer, in exactly the same place. And while I treated him with anti-cancer remedies, I lost him too at 6 months.

I told my brother when we drove up to the hospital to visit when he was first admitted last spring that I would support whatever decision he made. If he chose to fight, I would walk that path with him and help him fight. I would be there every step of the way for him. Why does it feel like it wasn't enough?

We finally got to say our final goodbyes last month. My mother finally agreed to release his cremains. She hired a lawyer back in November contesting the release since he died without a will or appointing an executor of his estate and in my state if you die without a will and you're single, your parents are your next of kin. My sister had to draft a document declaring that our father was also next of kin and would be contesting my mother. It took until April for my mother to capitulate and release the ashes. If she hadn't been such a bitch about it, the original plan was to divide my brother's ashes among all 5 of us and she could have done what she wished with her portion. Now she has nothing and her surviving children have all cut her out of her life. I finally reached that point when she called the cops on me when I went over to her house to ask her why she wouldn't release our brother's cremains. I told her that was not what he wanted and she replied that we had poisoned him against her. Which was not true. She did that all by herself in the way she treated him when he was staying with her after he had his surgeries.

My brother and sister came down one weekend last April and we released his ashes in the river that he spent so much time at during the summers as a teen. I was surprised how much ashes there were, he'd lost so much weight. I'd expected the amount to be so much smaller. The entire amount fit in a 2lb zip lock bag.
Reedusstalker

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Oh man, My heart goes out to you. I didn't know you went through this. I completely get it. I was my mother's caregiver. I think you doing that for him is so awesome and it takes a special person to be able to do that.

I never wanted my mom's ashes but I have them. They are still in the box, sitting on the table in my basement. I am supposed to give them to my Godfather, her best friend, and I can't part with them. I think it's so cool what you were able to do.
Deleted User 670

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Reedusstalker wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 7:47 pm Oh man, My heart goes out to you. I didn't know you went through this. I completely get it. I was my mother's caregiver. I think you doing that for him is so awesome and it takes a special person to be able to do that.

I never wanted my mom's ashes but I have them. They are still in the box, sitting on the table in my basement. I am supposed to give them to my Godfather, her best friend, and I can't part with them. I think it's so cool what you were able to do.
The crematorium sent his ashes in this huge alabaster box. There's probably about 1/2 cup- 1 cup of ashes left in the box. I'm going to remove them and get some something online to hold some of his ashes for my siblings, myself and my sister and dad. They generally only hold a pinch of ashes.

Thank you for responding and your kind words.
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bmw29
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I'm so sorry about your brother. I think you did a wonderful thing for him by caring for him like that and I'm sure he appreciated every bit of it.
Deleted User 670

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bmw29 wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 8:54 pm I'm so sorry about your brother. I think you did a wonderful thing for him by caring for him like that and I'm sure he appreciated every bit of it.
I don't regret it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
Deleted User 670

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pinkbutterfly66 wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 11:25 pm
bmw29 wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 8:54 pm I'm so sorry about your brother. I think you did a wonderful thing for him by caring for him like that and I'm sure he appreciated every bit of it.
I don't regret it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I'm just having a hard time missing him. I know that he's happier where he is right now. Back in October when he passed, Orange Balloon was able to connect with him and she saw him laughing and talking to those friends and family who'd already passed over. The next morning after he died, I woke up to the smell of strong coffee and tuna fish in my bedroom. He'd come by to say hello and brought breakfast!
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bmw29
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pinkbutterfly66 wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 11:27 pm
pinkbutterfly66 wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 11:25 pm
bmw29 wrote: Mon May 28, 2018 8:54 pm I'm so sorry about your brother. I think you did a wonderful thing for him by caring for him like that and I'm sure he appreciated every bit of it.
I don't regret it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I'm just having a hard time missing him. I know that he's happier where he is right now. Back in October when he passed, Orange Balloon was able to connect with him and she saw him laughing and talking to those friends and family who'd already passed over. The next morning after he died, I woke up to the smell of strong coffee and tuna fish in my bedroom. He'd come by to say hello and brought breakfast!
I still have times that I miss my grandfather so badly and it's been over 20 years. It gets easier with time but it never completely goes away.
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Poietes
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I’m so sorry for your loss. He was so lucky to have you and I know he appreciated you more than you could ever know. Hugs to you and know that he knew how much you loved him.
”Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”
Deleted User 670

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Poietes wrote: Tue May 29, 2018 10:33 pm I’m so sorry for your loss. He was so lucky to have you and I know he appreciated you more than you could ever know. Hugs to you and know that he knew how much you loved him.
Thank you. I tried to tell him every day that I did love him.
Reedusstalker

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How are you today?
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