I've had it with my mom

[Anonymous 1]

My mom has always been very dysfunctional. The only reason she is still in my life is because I feel strangely, somehow obligated to her. My brother, who says he thinks the world of her, never calls her or comes to see her. She and her husband have driven away all of their friends. So, if I don't go see them on the weekend, they have zero interaction and don't get to see any of their grandkids. And despite being a rather mediocre mother, she has been a pretty decent grandmother most of the time.

But I realized this weekend that every time I go see her, it's the worst part of my week. I almost always leave feeling worse about myself/my life/my relationship with her/my parenting skills. And I hate that we have this kind of relationship.

This weekend, my daughter was a little down in the dumps when we visited. Nothing major, she was just a little more quiet than usual. My mom kept asking her what was wrong. She said nothing, just had a falling out with my friends and I don't want to talk about it. So, my mom pulls her aside into the garage, and offers to "let her talk it out over a cigarette".

My daughter is 16. About to be 17. She has a history of smoking and it has been a huge point of contention between the two of us. She finally threw away all of her vapes and has declared to everyone that she has quit smoking and is struggling with it and my mom OFFERS HER A CIGARETTE. Later on, she (my mom) called to tell me that she hates my daughter's friends and I shouldn't let her hang out with them.

I can't cut her out of my life but I can't continue seeing her every weekend when it's just so draining and unpleasant.

[Anonymous 2]

Maybe change it to once a month?

[EarlGrayHot]

Cut down on visits. Tell her you were not at all pleased with her offering your daughter a cigarette; she should know better.

[Anonymous 3]

I was debating on making a post about dealing with my narcissistic dad because I'm headed to visit my parents for 2 1/2 weeks and I'm really struggling so I feel your pain. It's so easy for people to say just cut them out but reality is it's not that easy. For me if I cut out my dad I won't get to see my mom again and that's just not an option.
I have had to set some firm boundaries over the years and hold them through my actions. The time my dad spanked my son nope we immediately left. Given we lived closer at the time so it was easier. The time he tried to tell me his house wasn't wheelchair accessible so my child who was under strict doctors orders to have zero weight on her right leg would just have to walk and the doctors are wrong (after all when his mom had a hip replacement she was up and walking within hours so why wouldn't my child who had pins put in be) I immediately picked up my phone and started looking for another place to stay as did my mom.
It's exhausting and we shouldn't have to take such huge steps to protect ourselves and our children but sadly some parents just aren't parents like they should be.
I'd totally cut back on visits and if I heard my kid being offered a cigarette I'd immediately say something and leave. I've hung up on my dad before too to set boundaries. He had been digging through my trash and found a DVD player box so he called to get on me about spending money on a DVD player. Words don't seem to make a difference it's actions that actually get though to him.
Good luck I hope it helps at the very least to know you aren't alone. Moving across the country from my mom was the hardest thing I've ever done but living so far from my dad and not having to constantly deal with all of that has been so freeing.

[AZOldGal66]

Don't let your Mom know all of the intricate details of your private lives, if that is the case.

Her offering the cigarette was not in good form but it is forgivable.

Definitely cut back on visits. It might even make the visits you do make more enjoyable. More time apart can equal more enjoyment when you see her possibly.