How old is too old...

[sarah824]

To have your parents asking, on your behalf, friends/neighbors to be a reference on a job application?

Neighbor "kid" is 22 and his dad called last night to ask if he could put me down as a reference on a job application. We have been neighbors/friends for almost 20 years.

Should he have reached out to me himself instead of having his dad do it? Just wondering what others think.

[LiveWhatULove]

There are nuances, but any job applicant should contact/ask their own references. It is adulting 101.

Now, if I was close to someone and ran into them, I might ask in convo, btw, my kid and I were talking about him applying at xyz, thought since he did your yard work last year, you might be willing to be a reference for him…ok, I will let him know.

But to take time from my schedule, to call on their behalf, nope.


I do a lot of references as I teach in college, and young adults always have to ask.

[Anonymous 1]

My kid is 16 and I already require things like that of him.

[RIZZY]

I think it's a little old but I also think younger people are being super coddled these days.

[Traci_Momof2]

Personally I think if you are beyond 18yo and/or beyond your first job, you should no longer need your parents helping you out with that. My "and/or" qualifier is because if an 18 or 19 year old is trying to get their very first job, I can see them not being versed in how it all works and needing parents' help navigating it. At 22? Even if it is their first one? I can see parents standing behind them helping them out but they can still make their own phone call.

That being said, I know someone my age (40's) who still has her dad help her with a lot of stuff that IMO she should be perfectly capable of handling on her own. And even the dad himself says she should be handling it on her own, but he's too soft about it and won't say no to helping her or even doing it for her.

I myself, when I got my first job at age 16 my mom reached out directly to a friend of hers to be a reference for me. This friend had formerly managed the place I was applying to and knew the current manager. I got that job based on her reference. Then when I was 18 I was looking to apply at a different place where that same friend of my mom's currently worked. I used her as a reference again but I believe at that point I reached out to her myself. Every job beyond that one I did it all on my own, which at that point references were less important because they were looking at work history.

[Olioxenfree]

Honestly I believe that if they are old enough to have a job, they’re old enough to ask someone directly to be their reference. If you know their parents better than you know them, then yeah I can see the parents facilitating, in a “—— is interested in getting into the whatever field, would you mind talking to them about it”, but if I know them well enough that I can give a reference for them, I know them well enough for them to ask me for one. My son is about to turn 14 and is going to look for a summer job, he’s already approached some people who he’s “worked” for in the past asking if he can put them down.

[MrsDavidB]

Yes of course the kid should have asked himself. But like Rizzy said parents are doing things for their kids waaaay past the age of 18 now. I have been guilty of that myself in other instances sadly.

[MonarchMom]

I've seen so many teens and young adults struggling with difficult emotions or mental health challenges, so I try not to judge.

Instead I try to respond with kindness and give them the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. He could have social anxiety, or prior rejections, or other factors that make it difficult to ask for himself.

[Rosehawk]

When my teenager was 12 or so, I'd go with her to ask, because she was still pretty shy, but she still had to ask the person herself. She's 17 now and knows she has to ask on her own. I won't do it for her or go with her.

[Vegaswife2011]

Our youngest is 16 and we just sent her on her own to ask and she did fine. IMO 22 is way too old but I think we always do what we have to to help our kids.