Is this S. Assault?

[Anonymous 1]

Someone I love dearly came to me very broken up about something that happened with the girl he is seeing. I love him too much and I think my opinion is too biased to really tell him what to do. I also cannot relate to this situation in any way so I'm not sure what to tell him.

Jacob & Jenni have been seeing each other on and off for 3 years. Jacob is in love and wants to get married. Jenni loves him but isn't sure what she wants. Jenni tends to treat the relationship more like friends with benefits, an occasional hook up. She tends to show up at his house unannounced, already tipsy. They drink, have fun, sometimes have S*x, sometimes don't. She usually will stay at his house for several days, recovering from her hang over. She does not like to go out in public with him and doesn't bring him around her friends, etc. He thinks it's because she doesn't think he is good enough for her, but that is kind of besides the point.

Jenni has told Jacob that she has been sexually assaulted several times in the past. Jacob has also been sexually assaulted as a teenager. For that reason, when they have S*x, he will stop and ask her if she wants to have S*x every single time. She has to be alert, responding to his advances, and verbally say YES before he will have S*x with her.

Several weeks ago, that is exactly what happened. She comes over to his house. They get very drunk. They fall asleep. The next morning, they wake up and start kissing and making out. He is touching her, she is touching him. He verbally asks her if she is ready for this right now and she says yes. He admits he felt like the vibe was off and something felt weird but again, she was on top of him, he was on top of her, she verbally said yes. So they had S*x.

Afterwards, she leaves immediately and cuts off all communication with him, blocks his phone number. etc. After a few weeks, she calls and tells him, "The last time we had S*x, I didn't really know what was happening and I didn't know how to tell you no." He apologizes and has been depressed ever since. They aren't seeing or talking to each other right now.

I know I'm only getting his side of the story. Aside from whether or not this is sexual assault, he also doesn't know what to do about it. Did Jacob sexually assault Jenni?

[SlimShady]

No, that’s two very hurt individuals trying to make their way through a world they’ve been hurt by…

[Murdoc's Mistress]

No, he did not. He's not a mind reader. She cannot expect him to know how she feels if she is acting on it all and still giving the green light.

I feel bad for them both because they've both clearly been through some shit. They both need some therapy to unpack the baggage they each have.

[EarlGrayHot]

No. If she cannot "find a way to tell him 'no,' that is not his fault. But considering their history, Jacob should drop her like a hot potato and seek counseling for his issues. She is treating him badly and he is the one who should cut off all contact.

[carterscutie85]

If she said yes then he had no way of knowing her true feelings, unless they were both still drunk. Drunk people cannot consent.

[PoplarGrove]

If everything you say is true then, no, that wasn't sexual assault.

I do think Jacob needs to cut ties with Jenni for his own mental health. talking to a professional could also be beneficial.

Jenni needs to seek out a therapist who can help her navigate relationships and to potentially get a diagnosis of a mental health disorder.

[Anonymous 2]

No.

Is Jenni claiming it was or does Jacob think it was? It sounds from what you have written that Jenni was pretty clear about her reasons for cutting off contact and that is understandable. Is Jacob depressed because he wants to resume contact? I'm not sure if that would be healthy considering that Jenni and Jacob have different ideas of what they want out of the relationship.

[Traci_Momof2]

"I didn't know how to tell you no." Sorry, but that's a 'her' problem, not a 'him' problem. He's not in any type of control position, such as a boss, to have that kind of power over her. If she has difficulty voicing her discomfort or disagreement then that is something she needs to work out with her therapist. It's not his responsibility to read her mind.

Obviously I don't know the whole story, but just from what I'm reading here this does not sound like a healthy relationship. They aren't even on the same page in the relationship even without this particular instance. IMO they both need to end the relationship and focus on working on themselves first, then if it's meant to be then they'll find their way back to each other.

[Olioxenfree]

It doesn't sound, based on what you said, that shes accusing him of sexual assault. It sounds like she was uncomfortable with the situation and needs to take a step back from it. It does not sound like he intended to assault her and he did his due diligence to make sure she was consenting, but it overall does not sound like a healthy set up. Drunk people can not consent, even if they say yes. If they are regularly planning to get drunk and have S*x, they are running the probable risk that one of them one of these times might verbally say yes when they wouldn't have when sober. We regularly remind our teenage sons that if they put themselves in situations where they are going to get drunk before having S*x, that isn't actually consentual and they run the risk of causing harm to the person they are having S*x with, even if they don't intend to.

In this case she may have not been drunk, but she had just woken up likely with a hang over and was likely not thinking clearly. Does that mean he is a bad person? No. But, that doesn't mean she isn't entitled to her feelings. The feeling of being out of control of the situation likely brought back a lot of emotions. Given that it sounds like these random hookups seem to be what their relationship is built on since they don't go anywhere together, by taking a step back from the S*x she is taking a step back from their relationship in general. We teach our kids that there is a difference between morals and ethics. Something can not be classified as a sexual assault, but if it ends in your partner feeling uncomfortable or hurt, that isn't something you want to do to someone you love. Just because he wasn't "wrong" doesn't mean he shouldn't do anything about it. If I were him, I would tell her that he loves her and does not want to make her feel that way. It wasn't his intention to make her uncomfortable but he recognizes that it did, so if there is anything we could put in place beyond a verbal queue to prevent this from happening again, he would be happy to do so. But, if she overall is unhappy with the relationship and it isn't just getting past the S*x, I would respect that.

[Anonymous 1]

No.

Is Jenni claiming it was or does Jacob think it was? It sounds from what you have written that Jenni was pretty clear about her reasons for cutting off contact and that is understandable. Is Jacob depressed because he wants to resume contact? I'm not sure if that would be healthy considering that Jenni and Jacob have different ideas of what they want out of the relationship.

Based on what he said, she didn't say the words that she was assaulted but that's what he felt like she was implying. I think he is depressed because he can't handle the idea that he could have done that to someone, even if those weren't his intentions. Given his own history of sexual assault, it would eat at his conscience.