This is so much harder than I ever thought possible

[newyearnewring]

It is not until you are caring for an elderly person that you realize how hard it is and how little our society cares for the elderly.

I have talked about this before- I have been becoming a caretaker for my parents for the last several years. My brother lives in another state. My mom and step dad's health has been rapidly declining in the last year or so. Last year, my mom fell MANY times and broke her back. She also had several mini strokes and now has stroke related dementia. She cannot shower or dress by herself. It is not safe for her to use the stove, oven, or to drive. My step dad does not feel like she can be left alone. She is not sleeping at night and randomly falls asleep in the middle of a conversation, even when she has guests. She has good days and bad days. Her personality has also changed. My step dad is not much better off. He is no longer able to shower and bath her because he cannot stand up for more than a few minutes at a time and it takes him hours sometimes to get all of that done, with my mom just sitting in her shower chair while waiting on him. I've had to take over for him.

During our weekend visit, like we have every weekend, my mom was in very bad mental state. She used to be a bubbly person but now she is very negative and has started ranting about politics that are the opposite of what she has always believed. I don't care about her politics but it's just such a pronounced change, it really worries me. She also kept saying things that she used to know is factually incorrect- such as the USA not allowing dual citizenship- she and her husband both had dual citizenship for YEARS, I don't know where she is getting this from. I'm sure it's the dementia, she doesn't watch politics or the news on TV anymore because she gets too confused and upset. She saw the news story about a woman who was killed by her husband and she thought it was me. She kept telling her neighbors that her daughter was murdered. I was getting frantic phone calls from the two neighbors she speaks to, thinking I was dead. I can't imagine how she or they must have felt, how scary.

While I was there, she also asked if she could move in with me. Specifically, they want to sell their house, pool all of our resources together, and build one of these new multi-generational floor plan homes which have a completely separate house for in-laws with separate entrances and everything.

My relationship with my parents is so fragile. They were abusive and neglectful when I was growing up and we've had to do SO MUCH WORK just to get to the point now where we actually want to spend time with each other. I love my parents and I forgive them for all of that, but I can't go back to living with them.

Not to mention, I am still raising kids. I have 3 teenagers, each with their own strengths and challenges, plus my mother in law who is finally living independently of us but we are still paying some of her bills. And she rescued a dog a while back who she can no longer take care of so she has asked us to take him in- and he's cute and sweet to ME but not anyone else and I can't stand him. So now I am taking care of 3 kids, 3 parents, and four dogs, plus working on my career, trying to get my health back, helping run a business and trying to nurture a marriage.

It's all just way too much. So we looked into loans and options but I just don't see how we can do this. They told me that if I say no, they are going to ask my brother who lives in a different state. So I made my decision and I let him know first so that he wasn't blind sided with the request- he has not been involved in any of their caretaking and doesn't seem to realize how serious it is. For example, he had no idea that mom can no longer bathe herself.

He did offer to take them in, but he would not be willing to move. He would have to modify his current home which I'm not sure they can really afford. It's a multi-story ROW house in New Orleans. Very pretty but lots of stairs and if you know anything about New Orleans, their sidewalks, streets, and yards are very uneven, it would be a total fall hazard for my mom. Plus they have 3 dogs, a cat, and small kids. My parents hate cats, lol!

And either way, my parents would still need some sort of in-home health aid. My brother can't wipe my mom's ass. They do not currently qualify for an in-home health aid or a nursing home through Medicare because the doctors keep saying that my mom can live independently even though her husband and myself are telling them that no she cannot. And, she will not go to her occupational therapy which is another of the requirements. She has some different excuse every week.

I joined a support group for people going through this and so far, I am the youngest one there. They've had some great advice but it's all still so overwhelming and a lot of them are in the UK so they have different services available than we have here in the states.

Whooosaah, thanks for letting me vent.

[LiveWhatULove]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

It is so stressful and the expense and lack of support is a real problem.

I promise I am sharing the following not to hijack your post with my own pity party, but rather to show you, that you are not alone.

I am in a similar place in my life. I am busy raising 3 kids, working two jobs, with much of the mental load falling to me. My in-laws have failing health, and constantly loading stress on my husband. And although I try to create boundaries, it seeps over to me, due to hubby’s frustration. And my own dad’s cognitive status has also deteriorated significantly, to where is completely unsafe to farm — for example, he has cut off his finger & and put others in life threatening situations due to poor judgement. We have had to deal with immense anger from him taking away all keys & driving rights but my mom will still drive him out to the farm where he can be seriously injured. They live too far away for me to be as involved as I should. And I disagree with how my sister & BIL want to deal with my aging parents. And my husband is no help, constantly badgering me to disagree with my sister. It is overwhelming and causing significant stress in my life.

You are not alone, I believe there are millions sandwiched like this, but we are all just too exhausted and too worn down to even know how to get or find support in such a broken system.

[Olioxenfree]

It is a form of grieving to physically still have someone with you who is losing their quality of life. when someone has dementia, they start losing options in their brain, which is why they might suddenly behave differently and express opinions they never had before. For example, if they can’t remember where something is, their brain no longer gives them the option of “it could be in a different drawer”, instead it goes right to “someone stole it.” It is very hard to see someone you love go through that.

My family comes from a culture where multi generational households are much more common, so my sister does have a duplex where her family lives on one side and my grandparents live on the other, so they can have some independence but still get help with cooking, cleaning, etc. I go over multiple times a week to help care for them. my parents are moving closer to us and buying a home with an in laws suite, so my grandparents will go live with them, since my mother is retired and my father works from home so they can give them more time. once my parents are no longer able to live alone, they will go move in with my sister. We love being able to care for them. But, I understand that this isn’t an option for everyone. It’s important that you take care of your own well-being as well. I honestly don’t like most assisted living homes in the US, but there are some that do things well. My aunt lives in one where she basically has her own apartment and nurses come everyday to give as much or as little care as she needs. She is on Medicare with a limited income from social security, but was able to get most of these costs covered by insurance. I would suggest getting the opinion of another doctor.

[Anonymous 1]

My friend went through that with her mother, and bought the house. eventually she had to put her in a nursing home. But they have the ability to do it. Maybe your mom can go into assisted living? I’m sorry I know it’s hard

[carterscutie85]

I agree that she needs to go to assisted living. I don't know about anywhere else but here the state pays for some nursing homes and assisted living spaces.

I will never be in that situation. I won't forgive the abuse mine put me through and would never help her.

[Inmybizz]

I’m going through the same with my mother .. she has full blown dementia. She can not care for herself and pretty much bedridden. Before the dementia got too bad I met with a lawyer and became her POA I would suggest you do that so that you may speak on her behalf and take care of her finances. Be sure add your name to her bank accounts.

As far as getting in home services you really have to speak up and advocate for your parent. You complete the paperwork and talk to the doctors regarding her ability to complete her activities of daily living.

If your state allows it you file to be her in home attendant.. it’s a small check but if you are caring for your parent you might as well get paid.

My mothers doctor signed her up for a dementia research study and I was able to find out about a lot of resources I didn’t know about and they helped me in getting signed up.

I’m no expert but if you need to talk you can PM me.

[bluebunnybabe]

Sorry you're facing all of this. I'm all of a sudden feeing a lot closer to this in my life. My (step)dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer 9 months ago, and he and my mom have changed from the most active and healthy people I know to old folks really fast. I don't think any of us knows how to navigate these times until we are here. I hope you find a workable solution.

[SallyMae]

I'm in the same boat, caring for elders and teens while working a house, a husband and a career. Yes, it's too much. If only I didn't have to take care of the pool!!!

Hugs to you!

[Anonymous 2]

Sorry you're facing all of this. I'm all of a sudden feeing a lot closer to this in my life. My (step)dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer 9 months ago, and he and my mom have changed from the most active and healthy people I know to old folks really fast. I don't think any of us knows how to navigate these times until we are here. I hope you find a workable solution.

It does seem to happen really fast.

[newyearnewring]

Sorry you're facing all of this. I'm all of a sudden feeing a lot closer to this in my life. My (step)dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer 9 months ago, and he and my mom have changed from the most active and healthy people I know to old folks really fast. I don't think any of us knows how to navigate these times until we are here. I hope you find a workable solution.

It does seem to happen really fast.

Aw, geez, IDK why this is anon.