I have a bit of an odd question... *trigger warning*

[Anonymous 1]

It’s a 2-parter. I never thought I’d talk about this on here because I hate thinking about it or talking about it, but I am hoping for some well-meaning advice.

When I was young, I was sexually abused and molested repeatedly for several years by an older next-door neighbor and his brother. My parents only found out years later when a therapist I had (for a different reason) told my parents since I was a minor. I was furious because I felt I had yet again been violated. My parents never talked to me about it and never put me in therapy for it. In fact, I only went to the therapist I was seeing for a few months. Therapy wasn’t something my parents believed in, and that has stuck with me to this day.

First, this has over the years caused some problems in my S*x life. There were many times when DH and I were dating that I’d just have to tell him to stop. Sometimes we’d get into it and all of a sudden, I’d just clam up and feel dirty and not want to be touched. It has taken a long time to not feel dirty and ashamed about S*x, and sometimes those feelings still surface. DH is the only person I’ve had S*x with, so I’ve been able to build that trust with him, and he is very understanding, but it’s still frustrating to me. I hate the feelings that arise when I just want to be intimate with my husband. I have a very jaded view of therapists because of what I experienced in my childhood and my parents’ views. So that is my first problem. It’s not a huge issue in our marriage as DH doesn’t care if we can’t finish or if I’m not in the mood, but it bothers *me*.

Second, my kids are getting to the age where we need to have conversations with them about sexual relationships and the like. I feel so uncomfortable talking about it. They are girls, so I think it would be odd for DH to talk about it with them. I don’t want to be like my parents and never talk to my kids about it, but because of what I went through, S*x is so hard for me to talk about openly. It took forever to even be comfortable with DH. I don’t really know how to feel more comfortable bringing it up and what to do.

Any advice on these two fronts would be much appreciated.

[Pjmm]

My first therapist wasn't great either but in retrospect i had a very hard time articulating what was wrong with me. Now i know they were panic attacks. I've never gone to therapy for that specific reason although i have for other ones. You probably need to try again. As far as your dh talking to the girls about S*x i talked to my boys because well someone had to. My ex was uncomfortable with it. And you can start with safe subjects like menstruation and female anatomy without getting into the nitty gritty of it. Your dh could always discuss relationships as what they should look for in a man, how a man should treat them, and model it instead of the technical aspects of S*x.

[Anonymous 1]

My first therapist wasn't great either but in retrospect i had a very hard time articulating what was wrong with me. Now i know they were panic attacks. I've never gone to therapy for that specific reason although i have for other ones. You probably need to try again. As far as your dh talking to the girls about S*x i talked to my boys because well someone had to. My ex was uncomfortable with it. And you can start with safe subjects like menstruation and female anatomy without getting into the nitty gritty of it. Your dh could always discuss relationships as what they should look for in a man, how a man should treat them, and model it instead of the technical aspects of S*x.

Thank you Pjmm. Those are all good suggestions. It’s just kind of overwhelming to keep trying to find someone. I have a predisposition to dislike therapists and see them as just wanting to take my money, as that’s what’s always been ingrained in my head. You’re right about DH being able to discuss some of those things with them. He doesn’t mind, but I’m sure the girls will wonder why I am not the one addressing it. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t come to me or anything like that.

[Anonymous 2]

This seems so familiar to me. And I have the same issues with my kids and the S*x talk. That's why I can't stand to see other moms bashing other parents for not being able to have the S*x talk with their kids. It's like, how hard is it to stop and think just for a second that someone might be dealing with their own trauma? Like for me, I feel disgusting having the S*x talk with my kids because it's like I'm violating their innocence the same way someone violated mine. And reasonably speaking, it's not the same. But emotionally it feels like it. And for me talking to a therapist about it makes me feel physically sick for days.

I don't have any answers here, but the best thing I can suggest is to face your fears one item at a time. Just like it took you a while to find someone you felt comfortable enough to be with intimately, Im sure there is someone out there you can speak to about this that will make you feel safe and secure. You just have to get out there and try people out until you find the therapist that you feel safe with. Then maybe once you resolve your issues with S*x, you can speak with your girls about it. I know this is something that I would have to do too. It's going to take some time. I'm sorry this happened to you . Best wishes

[Baconqueen13]

Yeah, get yourself to therapy. It doesn't matter that the abuse happened "years" ago. It is still affecting you and your relationships today. You CAN shop around for therapists and find one that suits you and your needs. I would suggest trying to find a female so that she can relate more to your needs.

[Pjmm]

My first therapist wasn't great either but in retrospect i had a very hard time articulating what was wrong with me. Now i know they were panic attacks. I've never gone to therapy for that specific reason although i have for other ones. You probably need to try again. As far as your dh talking to the girls about S*x i talked to my boys because well someone had to. My ex was uncomfortable with it. And you can start with safe subjects like menstruation and female anatomy without getting into the nitty gritty of it. Your dh could always discuss relationships as what they should look for in a man, how a man should treat them, and model it instead of the technical aspects of S*x.

Thank you Pjmm. Those are all good suggestions. It’s just kind of overwhelming to keep trying to find someone. I have a predisposition to dislike therapists and see them as just wanting to take my money, as that’s what’s always been ingrained in my head. You’re right about DH being able to discuss some of those things with them. He doesn’t mind, but I’m sure the girls will wonder why I am not the one addressing it. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t come to me or anything like that.

I'm not a therapist although people do sometimes tell me very personal things. And I've talked to caseworkers, friends of mine. Although I'm sure there are scam artists out there it seems to me it's frustrating, head on desk work. I'd be like that drill sergeant in the Geico commercial lol. "Get some self confidence you Jack wagon!" So by and large I think the majority really want to help. You've just got to find the right one.

[hotspice58]

You may want to try therapy with someone who specializes in sexual abuse. I agree with the poster who said to have your husband talk to your kids. Good luck!!