My confession about my husband

Anonymous 5

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Anonymous 1 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 8:34 pm My husband is very awkward about S*x. By that I mean, he won't even kiss me in front of anyone. He gets squirmy around the topic of S*x. When we do have S*x it's very vanilla, and he does not like it if I try to initiate it. It turns him off. He doesn't like it when I say anything remotely sexual even in jest. Basically, he acts like a Puritan, only he isn't religious himself. I don't know why it didn't bother me before, when we got married. But now, it's annoying as f**k. And yes we have talked about it before. As far as I know, from what he says, there is no past trauma. He says he isn't comfortable about being so open. And he thinks the way I act sometimes is "inappropriate for a lady to act that way".

So I have some questions; could you stay married to a person like this? Would this bother you? How would you handle something like this?
No
Yes
I wouldn't have married him in the first place
Mamaof5
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Nopeville wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:22 pm
Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 9:34 pm
Mamaof4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 9:16 pm
What standards should a “lady” be held to that a man shouldn’t?
I only have sons, but I definitely teach them to hold doors and give up their seats to children younger than them, women, and older people. During the pandemic it has irked me that men still insist on holding doors open since it is impossible to socially distance from a person holding a door open for you. Yet I have never once complained because that is absolutely how I expect men to act.
I only have daughters, but I absolutely expect them to hold doors for the people behind them and to give up seats to children, pregnant women, and older people. What about those things do you think are male only manners?
I agree, and I have both sons and a daughter. I hold them to the same standards and expect the same manners (based on age of course)
Anonymous 4

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Nopeville wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:22 pm
Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 9:34 pm
Mamaof4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 9:16 pm
What standards should a “lady” be held to that a man shouldn’t?
I only have sons, but I definitely teach them to hold doors and give up their seats to children younger than them, women, and older people. During the pandemic it has irked me that men still insist on holding doors open since it is impossible to socially distance from a person holding a door open for you. Yet I have never once complained because that is absolutely how I expect men to act.
I only have daughters, but I absolutely expect them to hold doors for the people behind them and to give up seats to children, pregnant women, and older people. What about those things do you think are male only manners?
That’s why I said I only have sons! I think I would raise girls with largely the same manners, but I’m not sure. My boys have been taught that unless an elevator is very crowded my expectation is that men will put their arms in front of the doors and wait for all the women to exit before they do. Even my 5 year old does that. To me that’s just being a gentleman.
Nopeville
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Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:58 pm
Nopeville wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:22 pm
Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 9:34 pm

I only have sons, but I definitely teach them to hold doors and give up their seats to children younger than them, women, and older people. During the pandemic it has irked me that men still insist on holding doors open since it is impossible to socially distance from a person holding a door open for you. Yet I have never once complained because that is absolutely how I expect men to act.
I only have daughters, but I absolutely expect them to hold doors for the people behind them and to give up seats to children, pregnant women, and older people. What about those things do you think are male only manners?
That’s why I said I only have sons! I think I would raise girls with largely the same manners, but I’m not sure. My boys have been taught that unless an elevator is very crowded my expectation is that men will put their arms in front of the doors and wait for all the women to exit before they do. Even my 5 year old does that. To me that’s just being a gentleman.
To me, holding elevator doors, like everything else you mentioned has nothing to do with being a "gentleman". It's about being a good human being. If you had girls would they have been exempt from basic manners? Would they have been taught to expect that their brothers and other men should cater to them?
Anonymous 4

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Nopeville wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 11:31 pm
Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:58 pm
Nopeville wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:22 pm

I only have daughters, but I absolutely expect them to hold doors for the people behind them and to give up seats to children, pregnant women, and older people. What about those things do you think are male only manners?
That’s why I said I only have sons! I think I would raise girls with largely the same manners, but I’m not sure. My boys have been taught that unless an elevator is very crowded my expectation is that men will put their arms in front of the doors and wait for all the women to exit before they do. Even my 5 year old does that. To me that’s just being a gentleman.
To me, holding elevator doors, like everything else you mentioned has nothing to do with being a "gentleman". It's about being a good human being. If you had girls would they have been exempt from basic manners? Would they have been taught to expect that their brothers and other men should cater to them?
I will hold an elevator door for a child, an older person, a pregnant woman, etc, but if I’m in an elevator with a man I expect him to hold the door while I (and everyone else that’s not a man) exit. I suppose there is a pecking order in my mind, and if you *think* there isn’t one in your own mind I’ll ask you when the last time is that you gave up your seat to a young non-disabled man. I’m guessing the answer is NEVER.
Nopeville
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Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 11:40 pm
Nopeville wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 11:31 pm
Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:58 pm

That’s why I said I only have sons! I think I would raise girls with largely the same manners, but I’m not sure. My boys have been taught that unless an elevator is very crowded my expectation is that men will put their arms in front of the doors and wait for all the women to exit before they do. Even my 5 year old does that. To me that’s just being a gentleman.
To me, holding elevator doors, like everything else you mentioned has nothing to do with being a "gentleman". It's about being a good human being. If you had girls would they have been exempt from basic manners? Would they have been taught to expect that their brothers and other men should cater to them?
I will hold an elevator door for a child, an older person, a pregnant woman, etc, but if I’m in an elevator with a man I expect him to hold the door while I (and everyone else that’s not a man) exit. I suppose there is a pecking order in my mind, and if you *think* there isn’t one in your own mind I’ll ask you when the last time is that you gave up your seat to a young non-disabled man. I’m guessing the answer is NEVER.
Right and I would NEVER expect one to give up his seat for me, unless I was pregnant or visibly I'll. Why would I?
Anonymous 4

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Nopeville wrote: Sun Jul 12, 2020 12:14 am
Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 11:40 pm
Nopeville wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 11:31 pm

To me, holding elevator doors, like everything else you mentioned has nothing to do with being a "gentleman". It's about being a good human being. If you had girls would they have been exempt from basic manners? Would they have been taught to expect that their brothers and other men should cater to them?
I will hold an elevator door for a child, an older person, a pregnant woman, etc, but if I’m in an elevator with a man I expect him to hold the door while I (and everyone else that’s not a man) exit. I suppose there is a pecking order in my mind, and if you *think* there isn’t one in your own mind I’ll ask you when the last time is that you gave up your seat to a young non-disabled man. I’m guessing the answer is NEVER.
Right and I would NEVER expect one to give up his seat for me, unless I was pregnant or visibly I'll. Why would I?
I suppose it’s simply my expectation based on past experience. When I am out with my family, one of my children or my DH always gets the door for me. When I worked in NYC, it was extraordinarily rare that a man didn’t insist I take his seat on a crowded subway.

Most of my recent experience with giving up seats is on airport shuttles, Disney transportation, public transportation in large US and European cities where we are vacationing, and it’s incredibly rare to see a man sitting when it is crowded. I personally do think it’s rude for a man to sit down when women and / or young children are standing. My oldest will absolutely insist that women and / or younger children take his seat and so will my DH. You can think my position is sexist, but it is certainly common based on my experience.

You can raise your children however you would like, but I’m going to raise mine to be gentlemen. Have we really gotten to the point in our society where it’s bad to be a gentleman?

And before you start to think that I’m all about traditional gender roles, I have a JD and have held a “real” job pretty constantly since I’ve graduated from college (including when I was in law school). I am not reliant on a man to provide for me or my family, and while I do most of the cooking the trade off is my DH and children do the dishes and clean the kitchen every night.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with men acting like gentlemen, and I honestly think it should be encouraged. A man holding the door or offering you his seat is nothing to get worked up about.
Anonymous 6

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Hot4Tchr-Bieg wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 8:52 pm If we were a family with children, I would stay until the children are grown.
This is so easy to say to someone. It is not easy to live like that at all.
Nopeville
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Anonymous 4 wrote: Sun Jul 12, 2020 12:44 am
Nopeville wrote: Sun Jul 12, 2020 12:14 am
Anonymous 4 wrote: Sat Jul 11, 2020 11:40 pm

I will hold an elevator door for a child, an older person, a pregnant woman, etc, but if I’m in an elevator with a man I expect him to hold the door while I (and everyone else that’s not a man) exit. I suppose there is a pecking order in my mind, and if you *think* there isn’t one in your own mind I’ll ask you when the last time is that you gave up your seat to a young non-disabled man. I’m guessing the answer is NEVER.
Right and I would NEVER expect one to give up his seat for me, unless I was pregnant or visibly I'll. Why would I?
I suppose it’s simply my expectation based on past experience. When I am out with my family, one of my children or my DH always gets the door for me. When I worked in NYC, it was extraordinarily rare that a man didn’t insist I take his seat on a crowded subway.

Most of my recent experience with giving up seats is on airport shuttles, Disney transportation, public transportation in large US and European cities where we are vacationing, and it’s incredibly rare to see a man sitting when it is crowded. I personally do think it’s rude for a man to sit down when women and / or young children are standing. My oldest will absolutely insist that women and / or younger children take his seat and so will my DH. You can think my position is sexist, but it is certainly common based on my experience.

You can raise your children however you would like, but I’m going to raise mine to be gentlemen. Have we really gotten to the point in our society where it’s bad to be a gentleman?

And before you start to think that I’m all about traditional gender roles, I have a JD and have held a “real” job pretty constantly since I’ve graduated from college (including when I was in law school). I am not reliant on a man to provide for me or my family, and while I do most of the cooking the trade off is my DH and children do the dishes and clean the kitchen every night.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with men acting like gentlemen, and I honestly think it should be encouraged. A man holding the door or offering you his seat is nothing to get worked up about.
I don't know where you got the impression I was working up about anything, but nothing you mentioned is more than people being decent human beings to each other and I would expect most of it from my girls. Also, you didn't answer me. If you had girls, would you tell them, they should be treated special by the rest of society? Do you honestly expect every male to give up his seat for you, because you're a princess? Does that apply to older/disabled men?
Anonymous 7

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I'm having a similar issue... except he didn't used to be so vanilla. It's frustrating and definitely putting a strain on the relationship. Good luck
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