Rude or understandable?

Anonymous 1

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This happened a few months ago but anyway... just want to gauge what the general consensus on this is. DD left college for the weekend to drive 3 hours to her bf's house for his bday (he knew she was planning on coming). It was his 21st, and she's 19. It was a Friday night; she arrived some time in the evening, and he left around 8pm to go out with his friends to a bar. (Saturday was the actual day of his birthday but at midnight on Friday was when he turned 21). She couldn't go since she obviously can't get into bars, so she sat at his house alone (well his parents were there) until about 4:30am when he drunkenly stumbled in. She had offered to go pick him up since she was waiting up for him anyway, but instead he got driven home by one of his friends (who he claimed was sober).

She was pretty pissed at him for just ditching her. She said had I known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have come or would have come up the next day. She just felt it was rude that she came to be with him for his bday then he turns around and leaves her at home while he goes out. She also pointed out that they could've gone somewhere where she could've gone too, like a restaurant that serves drinks, or even if they could've done something all together until midnight and then he could've gone to the bar. He said that his friends wanted to take him out drinking for his 21st, and they wanted to go to the bar around that time and all that. He also said he didn't think it would be a problem since they'd have all day together Saturday to go out and celebrate (which is the actual day of his bday).

What do you think?
Anonymous 2

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Anonymous 1 wrote: Fri May 22, 2020 4:26 pm This happened a few months ago but anyway... just want to gauge what the general consensus on this is. DD left college for the weekend to drive 3 hours to her bf's house for his bday (he knew she was planning on coming). It was his 21st, and she's 19. It was a Friday night; she arrived some time in the evening, and he left around 8pm to go out with his friends to a bar. (Saturday was the actual day of his birthday but at midnight on Friday was when he turned 21). She couldn't go since she obviously can't get into bars, so she sat at his house alone (well his parents were there) until about 4:30am when he drunkenly stumbled in. She had offered to go pick him up since she was waiting up for him anyway, but instead he got driven home by one of his friends (who he claimed was sober).

She was pretty pissed at him for just ditching her. She said had I known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have come or would have come up the next day. She just felt it was rude that she came to be with him for his bday then he turns around and leaves her at home while he goes out. She also pointed out that they could've gone somewhere where she could've gone too, like a restaurant that serves drinks, or even if they could've done something all together until midnight and then he could've gone to the bar. He said that his friends wanted to take him out drinking for his 21st, and they wanted to go to the bar around that time and all that. He also said he didn't think it would be a problem since they'd have all day together Saturday to go out and celebrate (which is the actual day of his bday).

What do you think?
It would depend on if I was comfortable staying at his parents house with them. IF I wasn't, then I would have just come back home.
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MrsDavidB
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Completely rude. UNLESS she pushed coming and he was trying to hold her off until the next weekend or whenever and she wasn't taking the hint. Did he invite her and let her know of his plan to go to the bar with friends on arrival night?
Anonymous 1

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Anonymous 2 wrote: Fri May 22, 2020 4:30 pm
Anonymous 1 wrote: Fri May 22, 2020 4:26 pm This happened a few months ago but anyway... just want to gauge what the general consensus on this is. DD left college for the weekend to drive 3 hours to her bf's house for his bday (he knew she was planning on coming). It was his 21st, and she's 19. It was a Friday night; she arrived some time in the evening, and he left around 8pm to go out with his friends to a bar. (Saturday was the actual day of his birthday but at midnight on Friday was when he turned 21). She couldn't go since she obviously can't get into bars, so she sat at his house alone (well his parents were there) until about 4:30am when he drunkenly stumbled in. She had offered to go pick him up since she was waiting up for him anyway, but instead he got driven home by one of his friends (who he claimed was sober).

She was pretty pissed at him for just ditching her. She said had I known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have come or would have come up the next day. She just felt it was rude that she came to be with him for his bday then he turns around and leaves her at home while he goes out. She also pointed out that they could've gone somewhere where she could've gone too, like a restaurant that serves drinks, or even if they could've done something all together until midnight and then he could've gone to the bar. He said that his friends wanted to take him out drinking for his 21st, and they wanted to go to the bar around that time and all that. He also said he didn't think it would be a problem since they'd have all day together Saturday to go out and celebrate (which is the actual day of his bday).

What do you think?
It would depend on if I was comfortable staying at his parents house with them. IF I wasn't, then I would have just come back home.
She is comfortable being around his parents. They have been dating for 3.5 years. Our house is not near her bf's (anymore). We moved recently.
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jas
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I think she should have known better than to think he wasn't going to go to a bar when he turned 21. She thought a restaurant would be sufficient? Seriously? Lame.
However, this was something they should have talked about more before she came. He should have told her to not come until Saturday that his friends were going to take him bar hopping.
In that - they're both failed. "Understandable" is my answer.
Anonymous 3

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I think her expectations were unrealistic. And that he should have told her that before she drove there.
Traci_Momof2
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I think it was kind of rude of him to just ditch her like that. He knew she was coming up and wanted to spend the time with him. If he was going to go out drinking with his buds he should have told her ahead of time so she could decide what she wanted to do (ie. go up anyway and hang with his parents or come up the next morning).

If I was in her shoes I might be re-evaluating the relationship. She's too young to tie herself to someone dismissive of her feelings like that.
Momto2boys973
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Yeah, it was rude.
The question is, did she push to be there? Did she know he wanted a night out with his buddies but she was determined to be with him and expected him to cancel everything else to be with her? Because him knowing she was planning to come over and him agreeing to it are 2 different things.
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Anonymous 1

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MrsDavidB wrote: Fri May 22, 2020 4:32 pm Completely rude. UNLESS she pushed coming and he was trying to hold her off until the next weekend or whenever and she wasn't taking the hint. Did he invite her and let her know of his plan to go to the bar with friends on arrival night?
From what I understand from what DD told me, they had talked about her coming for his bday. I think that he had made some mention of going out for drinks or to the bar with his friends at some point, but I guess she didn't really realize at that point in time that she was just going to get ditched at his house. He wasn't categorical in telling her, I'll be going out Friday night to the bar and you'll be at home with my parents. Then she might've decided to just go up Saturday.
Momto2boys973
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Oh well. This sounds to me like your daughter talked about getting together for his birthday and he maybe was a bit vague about it, not wanting to say no, but hinting at having other plans. Maybe your daughter didn’t quite catch on the message.
It’s still a jerky move on his part, if you ask me, but maybe your daughter should’ve gotten the hint when they “talked about it”.
Anonymous 1 wrote: Fri May 22, 2020 4:40 pm
MrsDavidB wrote: Fri May 22, 2020 4:32 pm Completely rude. UNLESS she pushed coming and he was trying to hold her off until the next weekend or whenever and she wasn't taking the hint. Did he invite her and let her know of his plan to go to the bar with friends on arrival night?
From what I understand from what DD told me, they had talked about her coming for his bday. I think that he had made some mention of going out for drinks or to the bar with his friends at some point, but I guess she didn't really realize at that point in time that she was just going to get ditched at his house. He wasn't categorical in telling her, I'll be going out Friday night to the bar and you'll be at home with my parents. Then she might've decided to just go up Saturday.
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