Would you say anything?

Pjmm
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Traci_Momof2 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:58 pm
Pjmm wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:56 am
Traci_Momof2 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:27 am

Well good for you. I didn't. And it caused me a lot of heartache to keep going back to my friend who kept using me because I didn't know how to just end it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, even beyond age 12. I don't want OP's DD to go through the same thing.

Your original comment was very unhelpful. If OP thought her DD could just handle it herself she wouldn't even be here asking the question. And the implied obviousness of it makes it kind of rude.
The title is would you say anything. She answered no. The op doesn't have to agree. I might tell the mother but only because she sees there is a problem apparently so she wants to know. Otherwise I too would let my boy work it out with his friend. I even told the youngest to with one friend He would hide if this kid came over because he was kind of a bully. He'd make his brother say he's not home. One day this friend tried to bully the brother when he told him yds wasn't home. I was in the shower at the time. There was a fight. Next thing I know mom's at my doorstep. I told the youngest dude you need to speak up for your damn self. I'm willing to help but a kid still has to learn to handle things.
And I know when I was a kid, telling me "you need to speak up for your damn self" would not have accomplished anything except make me retreat even more. Some people seem to think that speaking up for yourself or handling things yourself is just this simple thing that you just do. Maybe for some it is, but for some of us it isn't. And dismissively saying "Just handle it yourself" or "Just speak up" doesn't make the person who struggles feel better.

Am I projecting a lot of myself in this discussion? Probably yes. And I don't know the personality of OP's DD to know how hard it is for her. I'm not pretending to know. But I know what it was like to be me and how it is for a lot of kids like me and the dismissive comments just really rub the wrong way.
Look I understand the boy has a problem. I'm not unsympathetic and I try to help him But he had involved his older brother in a lie. Kid called him out on it. He tried to walk into our house and there was a fight. And i had mom at my doorstep over it. all yds had to do was say look I can't play today. How about tomorrow? So yes I wasn't very happy with him. I wasn't happy with my son for fighting and I wasn't happy with the bully. I wasn't happy with the mom because God help her they couldn't ever call to see if he could come over. So everyone got my wrath. Because of that the words damn it speak up left my mouth. I'm not always patient. Well yds did start speaking up. He still has a problem. I get it and I went through it too. But don't involve others in lies. At least tell me the problems you have which was and still remains an issue. He's better but he's the one whose world is crashing and he says nothing. Drives me apeshit batty.
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I would tell my daughter this: "You are old enough to pick your own friends. Surround yourself with friends who raise you up and are a joy to be around."

If your DD12 wishes to not go through with the weekend plans, she should simply tell her friend today that she isn't participating this weekend. And then, if she wishes to no longer be friends with this girl, she just needs to stop saying "yes" to any invites from her.
Anonymous 1 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 8:40 am My 12 yo DD has been friends with this girl for over 2 years. She has some issues and every time they would hang out, her mom would ask my DD if her DD was nice to her. It was awkward that she would ask that in front of me and DD and her DD. The mom is very nice and they treat my DD very well. But now my DD is tired of this friend. She is bullying one of my DD's friends and also trying to steal all of her other friends from her and sometimes tries to get people against my DD. She has made my DD cry twice recently at school.

We had plans with her friend and her mom and sister this weekend but my DD does not want to go now. I told my DD I will do whatever she wants to do and I also told her that one option could be to talk to the girl's mom. My DD doesn't know if she wants that right now so I won't do anything. If you were in this situation, would you talk to the mom (if your child was okay with it)?
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The relationship that you have with this girl's mom sounds very similar to the relationship I had with one of my kid's friend's mom. My advice to you would be to not make a big deal about not going through with the weekend plans. Your daughter should just tell her friend that she won't be going this weekend. If I were you, I would not give any explanation to the mother. No matter how nice she has been, she knows her daughter needs a friend and she may not take too kindly to your daughter abandoning the relationship. If the mom asks, "Why hasn't your daughter been hanging with mine lately?" you could say, "She's been trying to branch out and meet new people." Avoid offending her. It isn't your job OR your daughter's job to fix her daughter.


Anonymous 1 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:30 am Do I just come up with an excuse to cancel the plans we have with them this weekend and then continue to not be available when the mom asks to make plans? If it wasn't for liking this mom and doing things with our kids and her being open with me about some things with her DD and other things, I don't think I would want to possibly talk to her about any of this.
Linda_Runs wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:23 am
Anonymous 1 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:14 am Yes we talk a lot about everything. I had suggested that she tell her friend last month how she feels because she was so upset with her friend. It helped for a minute and it seemed her friend was really sorry but she is at it again and DD is tired of dealing with her. I asked DD if she could move lunch tables but they aren't allowed (at lunch is where the most bullying is taking place with DD's friend). Also DD's friend's mom called the school at the beginning of the year requesting that her DD sit by my DD (a whole other story as to why) but yeah, this mom is really nice and she really wants our girls to be friends but I don't want to force my DD to do anything she doesn't want to do.

The only suggestion that I could have is for you to call the school about the bullying and let them know that your DD wants to move lunch tables because it is bothering her. I think separating them is the only real answer here in my opinion.
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I agree with you, LindaRuns!
Linda_Runs wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:34 am
Anonymous 1 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:30 am Do I just come up with an excuse to cancel the plans we have with them this weekend and then continue to not be available when the mom asks to make plans? If it wasn't for liking this mom and doing things with our kids and her being open with me about some things with her DD and other things, I don't think I would want to possibly talk to her about any of this.
Linda_Runs wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:23 am

The only suggestion that I could have is for you to call the school about the bullying and let them know that your DD wants to move lunch tables because it is bothering her. I think separating them is the only real answer here in my opinion.
I personally would come up with an excuse, and have done so before with our own DD when she was younger. Some will say that this is teaching our children to lie, but at this age they know that sometimes a little white lie is better than hurting someone else's feelings.
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I don't think Anon2 said anything wrong or rude. It is understandable that the 12 year old might need help with this. Mom should COACH her through it...help her with the best words to use...but she shouldn't do it FOR her. It is best that she does it herself.
Traci_Momof2 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:07 am
Anonymous 2 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 8:42 am At 12 she should be able to handle this herself.
Good God! You obviously haven't been a child with a difficult friendship left all alone to handle it yourself.

Yes they need to learn, but they are still kids and can't be expected to handle complicated relationships like an adult.

But keep maintaining that Anon 2 reputation.
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I would tell my kid to not hangout with that child and make some new friends. It sounds like a lot of drama.
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Anonymous 1 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:30 am Do I just come up with an excuse to cancel the plans we have with them this weekend and then continue to not be available when the mom asks to make plans? If it wasn't for liking this mom and doing things with our kids and her being open with me about some things with her DD and other things, I don't think I would want to possibly talk to her about any of this.
Linda_Runs wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:23 am
Anonymous 1 wrote: Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:14 am Yes we talk a lot about everything. I had suggested that she tell her friend last month how she feels because she was so upset with her friend. It helped for a minute and it seemed her friend was really sorry but she is at it again and DD is tired of dealing with her. I asked DD if she could move lunch tables but they aren't allowed (at lunch is where the most bullying is taking place with DD's friend). Also DD's friend's mom called the school at the beginning of the year requesting that her DD sit by my DD (a whole other story as to why) but yeah, this mom is really nice and she really wants our girls to be friends but I don't want to force my DD to do anything she doesn't want to do.

The only suggestion that I could have is for you to call the school about the bullying and let them know that your DD wants to move lunch tables because it is bothering her. I think separating them is the only real answer here in my opinion.
I went through something similar...without the bullying We let the kids work it out, they are no longer friends, and the mom and I are still friends. We get together a few times a week for coffee and shopping. Just how it worked it, no hard feelings.
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No, I would not talk to the mom but if plans were already made she would be attending as well. Sometimes we do things we don't want too.
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I think this is something your daughter needs to handle with her friend. She needs to tell her flat out that she doesn't want to hang out with her because she's being a jerk. Otherwise the other girl might use that to fuel the fire and call your daughter a snitch or something along those lines, and use it to turn more people against her.
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No. I’d just let the friendship phase out. Friends come and go like crazy at that age.
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