Would you say anything?

[Traci_Momof2]

At 12 she should be able to handle this herself.

Good God! You obviously haven't been a child with a difficult friendship left all alone to handle it yourself.

Yes they need to learn, but they are still kids and can't be expected to handle complicated relationships like an adult.

But keep maintaining that Anon 2 reputation.

You are wrong. I had many difficult friendships from middle school to adulthood. I handled it on my own. I didn't say anything rude.

Well good for you. I didn't. And it caused me a lot of heartache to keep going back to my friend who kept using me because I didn't know how to just end it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, even beyond age 12. I don't want OP's DD to go through the same thing.

Your original comment was very unhelpful. If OP thought her DD could just handle it herself she wouldn't even be here asking the question. And the implied obviousness of it makes it kind of rude.

[Anonymous 2]

Good God! You obviously haven't been a child with a difficult friendship left all alone to handle it yourself.

Yes they need to learn, but they are still kids and can't be expected to handle complicated relationships like an adult.

But keep maintaining that Anon 2 reputation.

You are wrong. I had many difficult friendships from middle school to adulthood. I handled it on my own. I didn't say anything rude.

Well good for you. I didn't. And it caused me a lot of heartache to keep going back to my friend who kept using me because I didn't know how to just end it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, even beyond age 12. I don't want OP's DD to go through the same thing.

Your original comment was very unhelpful. If OP thought her DD could just handle it herself she wouldn't even be here asking the question. And the implied obviousness of it makes it kind of rude.

Okay. Just because you personally couldn't doesn't mean a 12 year old shouldn't be able to handle it.

Many parents don't know when to step in or not. All I said is she should be able to handle it on her own.

The only one being rude is you.

[Baconqueen13]

If the girl's mom is asking your DD f her child was nice to her that means Mom knows her kid has bullying issues and wants to address them when they occur rather than wait and let issues build up. Let the mom know and Be HONEST. They're 12 so most things they can handle on their own but a little guidance from mom saying "So and so doesn't want to hang out right now because you haven't been a good friend" can help

[Pjmm]

Good God! You obviously haven't been a child with a difficult friendship left all alone to handle it yourself.

Yes they need to learn, but they are still kids and can't be expected to handle complicated relationships like an adult.

But keep maintaining that Anon 2 reputation.

You are wrong. I had many difficult friendships from middle school to adulthood. I handled it on my own. I didn't say anything rude.

Well good for you. I didn't. And it caused me a lot of heartache to keep going back to my friend who kept using me because I didn't know how to just end it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, even beyond age 12. I don't want OP's DD to go through the same thing.

Your original comment was very unhelpful. If OP thought her DD could just handle it herself she wouldn't even be here asking the question. And the implied obviousness of it makes it kind of rude.

The title is would you say anything. She answered no. The op doesn't have to agree. I might tell the mother but only because she sees there is a problem apparently so she wants to know. Otherwise I too would let my boy work it out with his friend. I even told the youngest to with one friend He would hide if this kid came over because he was kind of a bully. He'd make his brother say he's not home. One day this friend tried to bully the brother when he told him yds wasn't home. I was in the shower at the time. There was a fight. Next thing I know mom's at my doorstep. I told the youngest dude you need to speak up for your damn self. I'm willing to help but a kid still has to learn to handle things.

[Anonymous 1]

Yeah I have always told DD that she does not have to be friends with her or anyone that is rude. DD usually has so much fun at their house which makes her remain friends most of the time. DD's friend's parents are so nice to my DD and take her places and just do fun things. I think DD likes her friend's parents and sister more than her actual friend.

I'm sorry that you didn't have your mom on your side. I did not have that either. The most my parents would say is "go kick their as*" no matter what the situation was. I even had my dad telling me to go into work in the office and cuss out my boss when I was in my 20's!! Thank god I rarely ever took any of my parents' advice and I did not not take his advice on telling my boss off! Their answer to everything is to get in fights cussing at people and physical fights. Neither of them are in my life for various reasons.

But anyways, yes I I certainly do not want my DD to put up with this friend her whole school years if she is a rude person (no matter how good her parents and sister are to her). I know that I *could* talk to the girl's mom gently...I don't know how it would play out (and I sure do hate drama because of my past life with toxic family) so I am weighing my options. Thank you for your input!!

It sounds like the child does have issues and I'm guessing mom knows it and is trying to help her, hence why the mom keeps asking if she behaved herself. Because of that I feel like the mom would appreciate knowing about the problems that her DD is causing. I mean, parents can't teach their kids that something is wrong if they don't know their kid is doing it.

If I were you I would try to have a gentle conversation with the mom. Show concern for her DD as well, that her DD is going to lose all her friends if she keeps up this behavior. That way the mom doesn't feel attacked like she has the "bad kid". But at the same time let her know that your DD is not comfortable remaining friends with a girl who will just do mean things behind her back.

In the meantime, make sure your own DD knows that she has no obligation to remain friends with someone who is mean to her and does mean things behind her back. I put up with a friend like that for far too long through jr high and high school. My friend who was supposed to be my best friend, just used me and turned people against me behind my back. And I kept forgiving her over and over again and it just further destroyed my self-esteem. I SO WISH that my mom had cared enough to take more of an interest in my friendships and the troubles that I had, but she didn't, so I felt very alone in dealing with it all. So above all make sure you are there to listen to her and give helpful advice and make sure she doesn't just get trampled on by this 'friend'.

[Olioxenfree]

At 12, I would tell my daughter that if she doesn't want to hang out with this girl and doesn't like how she treats others, she needs to tell her herself. It's an important skill to learn.

[Deleted User 670]

Who made the invitation for the outing. If it was you, then cancel it. Geesh.

[Deleted User 670]

She should definitely talk to the principal about the bullying.

I don't think my DD would want to talk to her friend's mom but DD said she might go to a counselor and/or principal about it at school but she doesn't want it to get back to her friend because of how she will possibly react.

My 12 yo DD has been friends with this girl for over 2 years. She has some issues and every time they would hang out, her mom would ask my DD if her DD was nice to her. It was awkward that she would ask that in front of me and DD and her DD. The mom is very nice and they treat my DD very well. But now my DD is tired of this friend. She is bullying one of my DD's friends and also trying to steal all of her other friends from her and sometimes tries to get people against my DD. She has made my DD cry twice recently at school.

We had plans with her friend and her mom and sister this weekend but my DD does not want to go now. I told my DD I will do whatever she wants to do and I also told her that one option could be to talk to the girl's mom. My DD doesn't know if she wants that right now so I won't do anything. If you were in this situation, would you talk to the mom (if your child was okay with it)?

Since this had been an ongoing issue, I would tell dd that either she talks to the bully's mom or I will. The bully's mom already knows that her dd is a mean twit because she's asked your dd if her dd is nice to her.

[Deleted User 670]

I recommend that your daughter talk to the principal about the bullying and request that she be moved to a different lunch table. And to be ready to talk to the principal yourself, if necessary.

Yes we talk a lot about everything. I had suggested that she tell her friend last month how she feels because she was so upset with her friend. It helped for a minute and it seemed her friend was really sorry but she is at it again and DD is tired of dealing with her. I asked DD if she could move lunch tables but they aren't allowed (at lunch is where the most bullying is taking place with DD's friend). Also DD's friend's mom called the school at the beginning of the year requesting that her DD sit by my DD (a whole other story as to why) but yeah, this mom is really nice and she really wants our girls to be friends but I don't want to force my DD to do anything she doesn't want to do.

While I agree that at 12 she could be able to handle this, but she may need some coaching or maybe just mom's ear to help her sort it out.

[Traci_Momof2]

You are wrong. I had many difficult friendships from middle school to adulthood. I handled it on my own. I didn't say anything rude.

Well good for you. I didn't. And it caused me a lot of heartache to keep going back to my friend who kept using me because I didn't know how to just end it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, even beyond age 12. I don't want OP's DD to go through the same thing.

Your original comment was very unhelpful. If OP thought her DD could just handle it herself she wouldn't even be here asking the question. And the implied obviousness of it makes it kind of rude.

The title is would you say anything. She answered no. The op doesn't have to agree. I might tell the mother but only because she sees there is a problem apparently so she wants to know. Otherwise I too would let my boy work it out with his friend. I even told the youngest to with one friend He would hide if this kid came over because he was kind of a bully. He'd make his brother say he's not home. One day this friend tried to bully the brother when he told him yds wasn't home. I was in the shower at the time. There was a fight. Next thing I know mom's at my doorstep. I told the youngest dude you need to speak up for your damn self. I'm willing to help but a kid still has to learn to handle things.

And I know when I was a kid, telling me "you need to speak up for your damn self" would not have accomplished anything except make me retreat even more. Some people seem to think that speaking up for yourself or handling things yourself is just this simple thing that you just do. Maybe for some it is, but for some of us it isn't. And dismissively saying "Just handle it yourself" or "Just speak up" doesn't make the person who struggles feel better.

Am I projecting a lot of myself in this discussion? Probably yes. And I don't know the personality of OP's DD to know how hard it is for her. I'm not pretending to know. But I know what it was like to be me and how it is for a lot of kids like me and the dismissive comments just really rub the wrong way.