At some point, we will all give in to the “I’m bored” and pack our happy asses and make the trek to a local playground. We aren’t the only ones with this mindset, as you will quickly notice the second you step on to that faux maple mulch that you’ll be picking out of your kids shoes and diapers later on.
You’re going to encounter a few types of moms, and just try to remember, that we were all these moms at some point, but after number 3, you no longer care.
1. The “Keep Calm and Carry On” Mom
Keep Calm and Carry On predictably has three or more kids. She’s a baby wearer and you’ll find her in the corner of the playground eating her homemade granola bars that she made that morning at 4:30am. Her kids are cute and dress themselves, as indicative of their ability to wear rainbow leggings with a floral pattern top. Rainbows means flowers. Her kids are also, patiently waiting for their turn on the rock wall, but once they get on it, no one else is. Don’t offer the Keep Calm and Carry On moms kids the Cheetos your kid is dragging through the playground. Their snacks are the homemade granola bars with hemp, flaxseed, and loads of fiber to keep them regular.
2. The “Working” On Her Phone Mom
This mom is “working” on her phone at one of the picnic benches while her kids are releasing days worth of energy. By working, I mean she’s almost at level 1432 of Candy Crush and she just bought the unlimited lives package for three hours from iTunes Store. Her kids might take one of your kids Cheetos, but not where she can see them take it. Because her kids are closet Cheeto eaters, meaning, they don’t eat them in public. The “Working” Mom will look up every once in awhile to yell at Jimmy for throwing mulch at the other kids or at Susie for going up to high on the fire pole.
3. The Up Their Kids Butt Mom
This mom is following super close behind her kids and is finding it hard to keep them in the tight little pack she desires. Her kids, once let loose, spread out and want nothing to do with each other on the playground. That is because they spend every second together and they now see new blood to play with. This mom is gently pushing her little one up the stairs while inconspicuously creating a mom arm wall around them to prevent them from failing....from walking. Up Their Kids Butt Mom brought ham and cheese sandwiches and one peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich cut in the shape of a t-Rex in a cooler. She has a hard time trying to guard the cooler and kids at the same time, but manages.
Lastly...
4. The Cut The Shit Mom
This is literally every mom of grade school kids. She has three or more kids, one being a teenager or preteen that “literally hates life” and refuses to be seen with his or her younger siblings. When the oldest kid turned ten, this mom thought that starting over was a great idea and now has two to three mid life crisis babies. (This is all of us). Cut The Shit Mom is growling, under her breath, threats of eternal damnation to her kids. She doesn’t want anyone to hear that her crazy is five seconds from release. She’ll likely unleash in the car with the windows closed. Why would she release? Well Tommy called granola bars weird and told a little girl rainbows are stupid. Little Jenny refuses to share her Cheetos with anyone and was caught throwing handfuls of mulch from the top of the slide. While, we don’t condone the mulch getting tossed off the top, give the kid credit for transporting that much mulch and still managing to keep steady. Cut the Shit Mom has had enough of the playground after 30 minutes tops, but Jenny, nope...do not tell Jenny it is time to go. The playground is about to see a tantrum of epic proportions. It will involve screeching, crying, and Cut the Shit Mom literally prying her child’s death grip from the metal railing. This car ride home is not going to be good.
We have been every mom on the list at some point in our parenting career. And if we haven’t, we will be eventually. Let those moms be those moms. Let those kids be those kids. Summer is three months of the year and summer is exactly why industry genius’s created Prosecco, fireball, and Cheetos.
Enjoy your summer moms! Rejoice in the pleasure of parenting this summer and all summers after
