What would you do in this situation?

[cgd5112]

Last Sept our dear friends ( let’s call them J and C) were invited to Germany by C’s brother. The trip was for Dec to Christmas town. In Oct J fell and hurt her knee. Then she fell again in NOv. She has a 70% chance of PT/noninvasive recovery. During that time, she was having their son’s babysitter ( who’s been their sitter and mom helper for 10+ years) help her get things done- walking the dogs , pick up their teen son and take him to his therapies ( he’s autistic and verbal but needs 1:1 support). C complained that it was costing too much and she doesn’t like the sitter but puts up with her bc J trust her with their son and it’s difficult to get help for their son.

C said she’d cancel the trip bc of J’s injury. She has to ice the knee every night, walk with crutches or a brace, depending on how she feels. C never cancelled the trip. Instead she cancelled J and their son’s ticket. C decided to go. J was upset and hurt. C told her to pay the sitter for as many hours as she wanted. J was upset that C. Was ok with the cost only bc C wanted to go to Germany without them.

While in Germany she called J and told her she knew J was upset but she really needed a vacay. When she got back, she didn’t want to go to their son’s Christmas concert ( he plays drums in a band) because so he was jet lagged and exhausted. She still attended but kept rolling her eyes every time one of the band members made some mistake.
For Christmas, they planned a big get together. Most of the guests are from C’s side ( 12 people) and 2 from J’s side. C asked her if she can double the food for the Christmas party. J told her to cater bc she can’t be on her feet too long due to her knee. C said she’d cancel. She didn’t. She told J to take more Tylenol and Motrin and have the sitter help bc she was behind at work due to the Germany trip and would be working late. J was upset, but went ahead and made everything and everyone had a nice holiday.
Now J is going to Curaçao for a week. C wants her to cancel bc she’s concerned she’ll hurt her knee and their son will be upset by her absence. J refused and they are going back and forth about it. She leaves in a week and a half.

C does not want to talk about Germany or Christmas. She said it all worked out. J wants to talk about it and is still upset. She feels going through with the trip will give her space to calm down.

Both friends asked us what we think privately. We told them to work it out. We don’t want to take sides but …damn!

What would you think of all of this and what would you do if your friends asked you for advice?

[mommy_jules]

If I’m understanding correctly, C sounds like a selfish jackass. It sounds like J is the primary caretaker of their son and home, and C is using J’s injury to convince J to stay home so C won’t have to deal with their son and household responsibilities alone.

ETA: Advice would be to tell J to go on the trip. They deserve to have a vacation as well. C needs to step up and help out more. It’s mentally and physically draining being the default parent all the time, and J deserves to have some time to herself to relax, recharge, etc.

[MrsDavidB]

This is a same S*x couple? Not that it matters I was just trying to follow everything. It just sounds like they are both being petty towards each other. You took a vacation alone now I am sort of thing. Maybe this is how their relationship always is. If not they are in a rough patch that usually passes. I don't know.

[cgd5112]

Thank you for your reply. I feel that C is incredibly selfish re this matter. I’d also add that this is the first time J shall take a vacation away from her wife and son. It was planned before the Germany trip came up.

C works long hours at a time and her call schedule is busy. She’s an OBGYN. J is a SAHM since their son was diagnosed at age 2 1/2.

We are planning a trip to the UK with them late spring/early summer. Dh and I are hoping this not only passes but gets resolved.

If I’m understanding correctly, C sounds like a selfish jackass. It sounds like J is the primary caretaker of their son and home, and C is using J’s injury to convince J to stay home so C won’t have to deal with their son and household responsibilities alone.

ETA: Advice would be to tell J to go on the trip. They deserve to have a vacation as well. C needs to step up and help out more. It’s mentally and physically draining being the default parent all the time, and J deserves to have some time to herself to relax, recharge, etc.

[cgd5112]

Yes. They are a lesbian couple.

Do you think J going to Curaçao despite her wife’s expressed concern for her knee is petty? The Curaçao trip was also planned pre injury. It would be her first trip away from her whole family.

I do hope you’re right about it passing. No marriage is a utopia, but this particular set of issues seems to be festering longer than other things that we can remember.

Dh jokes that there’s too much estrogen in that household.

This is a same S*x couple? Not that it matters I was just trying to follow everything. It just sounds like they are both being petty towards each other. You took a vacation alone now I am sort of thing. Maybe this is how their relationship always is. If not they are in a rough patch that usually passes. I don't know.

[MrsDavidB]

Yes and no. I think if the Germany trip alone never happened J may have taken C's opinion into consideration. But now no way is she listening. You went to Germany now I'm going to Curacao. C is totally wrong for making J feel bad because the son will miss her. That is a shitty thing to do to her. Again this back and forth may be normal in this marriage and it will pass, or it is the beginning of the end. They will start resenting each other.

Yes. They are a lesbian couple.

Do you think J going to Curaçao despite her wife’s expressed concern for her knee is petty? The Curaçao trip was also planned pre injury. It would be her first trip away from her whole family.

I do hope you’re right about it passing. No marriage is a utopia, but this particular set of issues seems to be festering longer than other things that we can remember.

Dh jokes that there’s too much estrogen in that household.

This is a same S*x couple? Not that it matters I was just trying to follow everything. It just sounds like they are both being petty towards each other. You took a vacation alone now I am sort of thing. Maybe this is how their relationship always is. If not they are in a rough patch that usually passes. I don't know.

[Anonymous 1]

I was on C's side about thte trip till I figured out that they were married or together or whatever (you should've mentioned that first off, because it changes things, and makes it hard to understand fully not knowing that fact.) Since C's brother invited her, I assume C would see her brother while on the trip and said she still should've gone, but since they are a couple, she should've discussed it with J before going and why rather than pretending she had cancelled the whole trip and then going anyway. The "I need a vacation" line was a bit much regarding it too. Who usually doesn't?

C should've wanted to go see her son's own concert without being immature about it when she was there.

C was an ass about the catering.

And J should be allowed to go on her trip. C's "concern" about the knee is negated by her BS excuse that their son will be affected, when she herself pulled the same stunt by going to Germany.

C sounds like the jerk man of the relationship.

[Baconqueen13]

Stay the f**k out of it and recommend a relationship counselor.

C and J clearly suffer from communication issues and instead of addressing that they are playing stupid games to "one-up" or "get back" at the other. They need therapy or a divorce, but overall they need to leave others out of THEIR problems and stop asking friends to take sides.