Would like advice Re: Trans person

[Olioxenfree]

Celebrating her child’s graduation, not celebrating her child’s gender. Being supportive if using the correct names and pronouns. You don’t need to add comments about their child’s gender to a graduation announcement.

I am referring to my friend celebrating her child.

You don’t know what they think. They aren’t stupid, they know that you know they were once male and now are female, it isn’t brushing anything under the rug. It’s their graduation, let them be seen as who they are instead of pointing out that you know who they used to be, even if you do it in a well meaning way. Being supportive is wishing them well and using their correct pronouns and name.

I don’t think they think it is horrific or embarrassing and seems very supportive to be sending out photo cards with their new name. I just wasn’t sure if not mentioning anything at all seems unsupportive and brushing it under the rug as if there is nothing new. Just taking everyone’s opinions in and not sure what I will do/say.

quote=Baconqueen13 post_id=973659 time=1715293363 user_id=64]


Let me put it this way since you seem adamant on "mentioning" it. By bringing up the face that the kid is trans you are in essence reminding the child and their parent about a part of their life that is dead to them now. In simple terms it's like reminding someone of something horrific or embarrassing that they'd rather not talk about at all. It's not "sweet" to mention even if it's meant well. Don't F***ing mention it at all if you mean well and want to be respectful.

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[Anonymous 1]

Well your example was about how teenagers feel. Just wanted to say again then that I wouldn’t send a text to their child.

You must have missed where you already said that to me and I said that it doesn’t matter. It’s a part of their families journey and they also aren’t stupid, they know their child is trans. They are trying to celebrate their child’s graduation, leave it at that if you want to be supportive. Don’t say something to them that you wouldn’t say to their child.

You must have missed that I want to text my friend. Not their child.

My husband and I volunteer with a local school district running a support program for lbgtq teenagers and one of the many reasons the kids have given for their big fears about transitioning is that they didn’t want to be seen as trans and that’s what people see when they look at them, even if they look at them in a positive way. They just want to be recognized as the gender that they identify as. They don’t want the attention or “sweet touches.” Some feel differently, they are all individuals, but it shouldn’t be assumed. If they make a post about their journey and celebrating their pride in being trans, that’s where you can leave your sweet notes. But for their graduation, just let them be a graduating young woman, they know they are trans, they don’t need constant comments about it reminding them. Being a teenager is hard enough without another thing making you feel different.

[Anonymous 1]

Okay the way you wrote this makes me think okay maybe I shouldn’t mention it. It’s about celebrating their graduation and not celebrating their new name and gender. I just wanted to be supportive with all of it but didn’t know how. I didn’t know if I didn’t say anything if that would seem unsupportive. Maybe I should just text congrats to “new name” with a heart emoji or something?? I don’t know. Never been in this situation and just wanted to support but don’t want to upset anyone either.

Celebrating her child’s graduation, not celebrating her child’s gender. Being supportive if using the correct names and pronouns. You don’t need to add comments about their child’s gender to a graduation announcement.

I am referring to my friend celebrating her child.

You don’t know what they think. They aren’t stupid, they know that you know they were once male and now are female, it isn’t brushing anything under the rug. It’s their graduation, let them be seen as who they are instead of pointing out that you know who they used to be, even if you do it in a well meaning way. Being supportive is wishing them well and using their correct pronouns and name.

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[Baconqueen13]

I don’t think they think it is horrific or embarrassing and seems very supportive to be sending out photo cards with their new name. I just wasn’t sure if not mentioning anything at all seems unsupportive and brushing it under the rug as if there is nothing new. Just taking everyone’s opinions in and not sure what I will do/say.

If it was a person that was never my friend, then yes, I totally see that as appropriate to not bring it up. But since this is a friend that I lost touch with when they moved away, I just feel like I want to say something short and sweet about it. But I don't know what to say exactly. I just feel like it's strange to not mention it at all.

Let me put it this way since you seem adamant on "mentioning" it. By bringing up the face that the kid is trans you are in essence reminding the child and their parent about a part of their life that is dead to them now. In simple terms it's like reminding someone of something horrific or embarrassing that they'd rather not talk about at all. It's not "sweet" to mention even if it's meant well. Don't F***ing mention it at all if you mean well and want to be respectful.

Mentioning it is not seen as supportive. Simply addressing them using their new name/pronouns and congratulating them on their graduation is supportive. They already know that they are trans, they don't need you to remind them of it or make it a point of discussion with their parents. It doesn't need to be mentioned at all, so DON'T mention it.

[highlandmum]

Celebrating her child’s graduation, not celebrating her child’s gender. Being supportive if using the correct names and pronouns. You don’t need to add comments about their child’s gender to a graduation announcement.

I am referring to my friend celebrating her child.

You don’t know what they think. They aren’t stupid, they know that you know they were once male and now are female, it isn’t brushing anything under the rug. It’s their graduation, let them be seen as who they are instead of pointing out that you know who they used to be, even if you do it in a well meaning way. Being supportive is wishing them well and using their correct pronouns and name.

[/quote]
I completely agree with this. If I was sending this to my friend for her son graduating I would simply say "Give Tyler a big congrats from me". So why would this be any different just say congratulation to your friends child using the name they have chosen and that is the end of it.

[Anonymous 8]

Put yourself in their shoes in the same situation.

[PoplarGrove]

If it was a person that was never my friend, then yes, I totally see that as appropriate to not bring it up. But since this is a friend that I lost touch with when they moved away, I just feel like I want to say something short and sweet about it. But I don't know what to say exactly. I just feel like it's strange to not mention it at all.

The appropriate response is to NOT bring attention to the fact the kid is trans at all. Congratulate them on graduating and use the graduate's preferred name. That's it.

Let me put it this way since you seem adamant on "mentioning" it. By bringing up the face that the kid is trans you are in essence reminding the child and their parent about a part of their life that is dead to them now. In simple terms it's like reminding someone of something horrific or embarrassing that they'd rather not talk about at all. It's not "sweet" to mention even if it's meant well. Don't F***ing mention it at all if you mean well and want to be respectful.

Personally, when I started mentioning my son to people and using a different name almost all the people who are or were supportive would respond with acknowledgement of something having changed in our family dynamic. They'd say they liked the name or ask who chose it or just say in a message "well, you've had some changes in your life. Congratulations!" The ones who just wanted to be polite wouldn't say a thing or just respond politely without mentioning gender and I'd hear nothing from them again. Some of them even stopped being my friend on social media.

This is a message to the parents and not the transitioned individual. But that's just my take as a parent of a transgender child.

[Anonymous 1]

I do! Which is why I want to say something because if I was in that situation, I would love the support for myself and for my child.

Put yourself in their shoes in the same situation.

[Anonymous 1]

It's great to have a perspective on here from someone that can actually relate! Thank you! Do you have any examples of what I could say to my friend in this situation?

If it was a person that was never my friend, then yes, I totally see that as appropriate to not bring it up. But since this is a friend that I lost touch with when they moved away, I just feel like I want to say something short and sweet about it. But I don't know what to say exactly. I just feel like it's strange to not mention it at all.

Let me put it this way since you seem adamant on "mentioning" it. By bringing up the face that the kid is trans you are in essence reminding the child and their parent about a part of their life that is dead to them now. In simple terms it's like reminding someone of something horrific or embarrassing that they'd rather not talk about at all. It's not "sweet" to mention even if it's meant well. Don't F***ing mention it at all if you mean well and want to be respectful.

Personally, when I started mentioning my son to people and using a different name almost all the people who are or were supportive would respond with acknowledgement of something having changed in our family dynamic. They'd say they liked the name or ask who chose it or just say in a message "well, you've had some changes in your life. Congratulations!" The ones who just wanted to be polite wouldn't say a thing or just respond politely without mentioning gender and I'd hear nothing from them again. Some of them even stopped being my friend on social media.

This is a message to the parents and not the transitioned individual. But that's just my take as a parent of a transgender child.

[Baconqueen13]

If it was a person that was never my friend, then yes, I totally see that as appropriate to not bring it up. But since this is a friend that I lost touch with when they moved away, I just feel like I want to say something short and sweet about it. But I don't know what to say exactly. I just feel like it's strange to not mention it at all.

Let me put it this way since you seem adamant on "mentioning" it. By bringing up the face that the kid is trans you are in essence reminding the child and their parent about a part of their life that is dead to them now. In simple terms it's like reminding someone of something horrific or embarrassing that they'd rather not talk about at all. It's not "sweet" to mention even if it's meant well. Don't F***ing mention it at all if you mean well and want to be respectful.

Personally, when I started mentioning my son to people and using a different name almost all the people who are or were supportive would respond with acknowledgement of something having changed in our family dynamic. They'd say they liked the name or ask who chose it or just say in a message "well, you've had some changes in your life. Congratulations!" The ones who just wanted to be polite wouldn't say a thing or just respond politely without mentioning gender and I'd hear nothing from them again. Some of them even stopped being my friend on social media.

This is a message to the parents and not the transitioned individual. But that's just my take as a parent of a transgender child.

You INITIATING the conversation as the parent is a different scenario. The only thing needing to be mentioned in this case is a congratulations on a graduation. Not a discussion into family dynamics of a former friend that is barely an acquaintance now.