Article on being childfree

[LiveWhatULove]

I think that there also are women who would want to be mothers except they don’t want the loss of identity that our society tries to force on us. I’m not saying kids don’t take a lot of my time and aren’t a part of who I am, but I am still my own person and have my own life.

This. This right here. Society expects us to basically drop everything about us that makes us who we are in order to devote our entire selves into being a wife and/or mother. We're not supposed to have any interests or hobbies that cannot include our children and spouses. We're supposed to just be a wife and mother, nothing else. And society really loves ridiculing and inputting their unwarranted 2 cents if they see a woman who still has things she loves to do that do not include her children.

Even back in the OG Cafemom days, there were those who insisted once we became mothers that we had to abandon everything about us that made us who we were to become some stepford bitch.

Screw that.

I hang out in a active WOHM sub on Reddit, and anecdotally, I think this has evolved, because in 2024, women ARE supposed to 100% keep their identity, their hobbies, their friends, their physical health, all while climbing the career ladder AND then of course as you pointed out, be the perfect mother with a perfect partner through it all.

But in the setting of (as Well Preserved pointed out) having very little societal support.

I feel so blessed to be a mom, best thing that ever happened to me, so I admit, I have to really check myself, shut my mouth and mind my business when so many people are now saying “no kids”. BUT even I, in my romanticized state regarding parenting, admits huge changes to society are needed to even make parenting look somewhat appealing to those women who actually plan and think through the future.

[Murdoc's Mistress]

I think that there also are women who would want to be mothers except they don’t want the loss of identity that our society tries to force on us. I’m not saying kids don’t take a lot of my time and aren’t a part of who I am, but I am still my own person and have my own life.

This. This right here. Society expects us to basically drop everything about us that makes us who we are in order to devote our entire selves into being a wife and/or mother. We're not supposed to have any interests or hobbies that cannot include our children and spouses. We're supposed to just be a wife and mother, nothing else. And society really loves ridiculing and inputting their unwarranted 2 cents if they see a woman who still has things she loves to do that do not include her children.

Even back in the OG Cafemom days, there were those who insisted once we became mothers that we had to abandon everything about us that made us who we were to become some stepford bitch.

Screw that.

When did anyone ever say that on cafemom?

It was said often enough. I remember a few threads and posts through the years where full debates would break out because several would attack others because in their eyes, once you became a mom, that was your entire identity and you needed to make sure your hobbies could include your children or just no longer have those hobbies.

[WellPreserved]

This. This right here. Society expects us to basically drop everything about us that makes us who we are in order to devote our entire selves into being a wife and/or mother. We're not supposed to have any interests or hobbies that cannot include our children and spouses. We're supposed to just be a wife and mother, nothing else. And society really loves ridiculing and inputting their unwarranted 2 cents if they see a woman who still has things she loves to do that do not include her children.

Even back in the OG Cafemom days, there were those who insisted once we became mothers that we had to abandon everything about us that made us who we were to become some stepford bitch.

Screw that.

When did anyone ever say that on cafemom?

It was said often enough. I remember a few threads and posts through the years where full debates would break out because several would attack others because in their eyes, once you became a mom, that was your entire identity and you needed to make sure your hobbies could include your children or just no longer have those hobbies.

Oh, the mommy wars on Cafemom.

[Aletheia]

Even back in the OG Cafemom days, there were those who insisted once we became mothers that we had to abandon everything about us that made us who we were to become some stepford bitch.

Screw that.

Yeah, giving up your individuality doesn't set a very healthy example to your children, does it?

[PoplarGrove]

Too many people are only interested in women following the status quo. Grow up, get married, have children and then lose yourself entirely to being a wife and mother. Anything outside of that box is frowned upon and ostracized as an abnormality.

Funny how doctors can dismiss and lecture women over wanting sterilization before a doctor feels they are ready for that, but these same doctors won't bat an eye if a man wants a vasectomy. Its only women who need to be guided into making "the right decision" (i.e. get knocked up and have kids like a "normal" person).

I don't care if the birth rates are dropping or whatever other fear mongering bullshit the media, politicians and right wing mouth pieces are whining about. Our purpose isn't just having kids and continuing the species. We're kind of a fucked up species and honestly, it will do the planet good once we go extinct. We don't need to keep breeding.

My daughter's partner is non-binary (born with testicles). The doctor wouldn't begin feminizing hormone therapy until they had spent $2000.00 freezing and storing their sperm. This was after my daughter actually spoke to the doctor and told him that she was trying to get her tubes tied and neither of them wanted biological children (both have physical and mental health issues in their family and don't want to pass them on). The doctor insisted "just in case you change your mind or find someone who does want kids". Their 26 year old male friend went through the same thing when trying to get a vasectomy. It's like the doctors are starting to just want everyone procreate.

[PoplarGrove]

This. This right here. Society expects us to basically drop everything about us that makes us who we are in order to devote our entire selves into being a wife and/or mother. We're not supposed to have any interests or hobbies that cannot include our children and spouses. We're supposed to just be a wife and mother, nothing else. And society really loves ridiculing and inputting their unwarranted 2 cents if they see a woman who still has things she loves to do that do not include her children.

Even back in the OG Cafemom days, there were those who insisted once we became mothers that we had to abandon everything about us that made us who we were to become some stepford bitch.

Screw that.

When did anyone ever say that on cafemom?

It was said often enough. I remember a few threads and posts through the years where full debates would break out because several would attack others because in their eyes, once you became a mom, that was your entire identity and you needed to make sure your hobbies could include your children or just no longer have those hobbies.

I remember the women who felt if a woman got divorced or widowed she was not allowed to date until her last child turned 18 because her children should be her everything and f**k her having any kind of meaningful adult relationship.

[Anonymous 2]

When did anyone ever say that on cafemom?

It was said often enough. I remember a few threads and posts through the years where full debates would break out because several would attack others because in their eyes, once you became a mom, that was your entire identity and you needed to make sure your hobbies could include your children or just no longer have those hobbies.

I remember the women who felt if a woman got divorced or widowed she was not allowed to date until her last child turned 18 because her children should be her everything and f**k her having any kind of meaningful adult relationship.

I was one of those people. It has nothing to do with not having meaningful relationships, or not being “allowed” to date but most kids who are sexually and physically abused are abused by the mom’s boyfriend or new husband. I was, half of my friends were, and having the new guy your mom is dating coming around gives an unsafe feeling for the kid. It’s more about , go ahead and date, but why does the kid have to be forced to be around a new guy that isn’t their father and will probably be replaced in a year anyways? It’s worth it for the mom, but almost never worth it for the kid. That is selfish then.

[PoplarGrove]

It was said often enough. I remember a few threads and posts through the years where full debates would break out because several would attack others because in their eyes, once you became a mom, that was your entire identity and you needed to make sure your hobbies could include your children or just no longer have those hobbies.

I remember the women who felt if a woman got divorced or widowed she was not allowed to date until her last child turned 18 because her children should be her everything and f**k her having any kind of meaningful adult relationship.

I was one of those people. It has nothing to do with not having meaningful relationships, or not being “allowed” to date but most kids who are sexually and physically abused are abused by the mom’s boyfriend or new husband. I was, half of my friends were, and having the new guy your mom is dating coming around gives an unsafe feeling for the kid. It’s more about , go ahead and date, but why does the kid have to be forced to be around a new guy that isn’t their father and will probably be replaced in a year anyways? It’s worth it for the mom, but almost never worth it for the kid. That is selfish then.

And I was one of the women who was divorced when my youngest was 4 and my oldest was 12. When my youngest was 9 I met my now partner. After we were dating for 6 months I allowed him to meet my kids. After we were together for 9 months he was allowed to come around regularly. At 18 months into our relationship he moved in. We've been together 7 years and my two youngest refer to him as "my Dad" when talking about him to their friends.

Many of the women were against dating on any level because it took time away from our children. I'd say in the case of my family by dating and moving into a committed relationship with a man not my children's father was the best thing that could have happened for us. He'd die for my kids.

I'm so sorry you and so many of your friends were hurt by the bad choices of your mother. There's ways to date and keep your children safe.

[Traci_Momof2]

When did anyone ever say that on cafemom?

It was said often enough. I remember a few threads and posts through the years where full debates would break out because several would attack others because in their eyes, once you became a mom, that was your entire identity and you needed to make sure your hobbies could include your children or just no longer have those hobbies.

I remember the women who felt if a woman got divorced or widowed she was not allowed to date until her last child turned 18 because her children should be her everything and f**k her having any kind of meaningful adult relationship.

I'm probably someone who had my comments misinterpreted to mean what you wrote here. But I promise I am not really that extreme. But I do believe that a divorced mom or widowed mom does have a responsibility to her children even when it comes to dating. She can't just think about how it affects herself as a childless woman can. The mother has to also think about how her actions affect her child(ren). So leaving the child alone with the guy after two dates? Moving in with the guy after one month? Moving across country with the child solely to be closer to the guy? Are those smart decisions for a single mom to make? Are they good for her child? Or are they only good for herself to the detriment of her child? And does this mean she can never date until her child is 18? No. That would be ridiculous. But there are enough parents out there who seem to put finding a mate above everything else, even their own children, even when the choices hurt their own children, and that's what is wrong.

As parents, whether married or not, we make some sacrifices to what we personally want for the benefit of our children. And I would say anyone who doesn't want to make any sacrifices at all should seriously consider never having children. That's for all sexes, all genders.

[PoplarGrove]

It was said often enough. I remember a few threads and posts through the years where full debates would break out because several would attack others because in their eyes, once you became a mom, that was your entire identity and you needed to make sure your hobbies could include your children or just no longer have those hobbies.

I remember the women who felt if a woman got divorced or widowed she was not allowed to date until her last child turned 18 because her children should be her everything and f**k her having any kind of meaningful adult relationship.

I'm probably someone who had my comments misinterpreted to mean what you wrote here. But I promise I am not really that extreme. But I do believe that a divorced mom or widowed mom does have a responsibility to her children even when it comes to dating. She can't just think about how it affects herself as a childless woman can. The mother has to also think about how her actions affect her child(ren). So leaving the child alone with the guy after two dates? Moving in with the guy after one month? Moving across country with the child solely to be closer to the guy? Are those smart decisions for a single mom to make? Are they good for her child? Or are they only good for herself to the detriment of her child? And does this mean she can never date until her child is 18? No. That would be ridiculous. But there are enough parents out there who seem to put finding a mate above everything else, even their own children, even when the choices hurt their own children, and that's what is wrong.

As parents, whether married or not, we make some sacrifices to what we personally want for the benefit of our children. And I would say anyone who doesn't want to make any sacrifices at all should seriously consider never having children. That's for all sexes, all genders.

I completely agree with you. My divorce agreement had it stated in it that no romantic partner could be introduced to our children until 6 months after we had started dating (and that we had informed our ex within 2 months of beginning the relationship that there was a relationship) and that the person couldn't be left alone with them until we were 9 months into the relationship. I had those stipulations put in there because my ex is notorious at making bad decisions.

A mother who would leave her kids alone with a new guy after two dates is probably a mother who would also leave their kid alone with a random babysitter they'd never met or vetted too. Or leaves their children with a grandparent or family member whose potentially abusive.