Weird? Entitled? Perfectly acceptable?

[Traci_Momof2]

I have my grandfathers hat hanging in my living room. He’s been gone 8 years. I have dealt with my loss, but I would be upset if someone was wearing it. (I wouldn’t scream, but that’s not my personality) and most time no one has the right to scream, but they do.

But your grandfather's hat presumably belongs to you and you get to control what does and does not happen to it.

In the OP's story the hat presumably belongs to the woman and she gets to control what does and does not happen to it. The hat does not belong to the daughter and therefore she does not get to control what happens with it. She needs to learn to live with that. The woman wants her new beau to wear it while he suffers the same disease and that is completely the woman's choice to make. Not the daughter's.

Maybe the moral of the story is don't put all your emotional eggs into a basket you have no control over.

Maybe she didn't even think about the hat and when she saw it on someone else it brought up unforeseen and unresolved issues. You have never had an unforeseen irrational reaction to something, unexpected? Maybe neither party thought it would be emotional until it was. Yelling, probably not the correct route, but emotions are not always rational especially in the moment. An argument happens and maybe once emotions have calmed down, they can talk about it rationally. I've learned that trauma can bring out irrational reactions in people. And maybe some empathy will go a long way.

I'm having trouble thinking of something. And I've definitely never yelled about it. I've never yelled at anyone. I've even only at most raised my voice at DH, not even done that much to anyone else. But I internalize a lot and maybe that's my thing. If I had been the daughter and had trouble seeing the hat on another man, at most I would've just gotten up and left in silence.

But either way, if I were the mom there is no way I would just stand there and let my daughter yell at me for doing nothing wrong.

[Pjmm]

Valid for her but it doesn't give her the right to scream at her mother. 10 years later and she's still having strong reactions like that? I'd say she hasn't properly dealt with her feelings over the past decade.

I have my grandfathers hat hanging in my living room. He’s been gone 8 years. I have dealt with my loss, but I would be upset if someone was wearing it. (I wouldn’t scream, but that’s not my personality) and most time no one has the right to scream, but they do.

But your grandfather's hat presumably belongs to you and you get to control what does and does not happen to it.

In the OP's story the hat presumably belongs to the woman and she gets to control what does and does not happen to it. The hat does not belong to the daughter and therefore she does not get to control what happens with it. She needs to learn to live with that. The woman wants her new beau to wear it while he suffers the same disease and that is completely the woman's choice to make. Not the daughter's.

Maybe the moral of the story is don't put all your emotional eggs into a basket you have no control over.

Well whatever is going on with the daughter, Mom has to deal with it. I can't say who's right or wrong. I have my ex's laptop. I can't use it without remembering it's his and it's been two years since his death. I can understand the daughter's anger. Did she handle it wrong? Maybe. So be it. If I were Mom I'd say the daughter isn't handling this well/ has strong feelings about the hat/ whatever and I'd forgive her.

[Bubbs]

But your grandfather's hat presumably belongs to you and you get to control what does and does not happen to it.

In the OP's story the hat presumably belongs to the woman and she gets to control what does and does not happen to it. The hat does not belong to the daughter and therefore she does not get to control what happens with it. She needs to learn to live with that. The woman wants her new beau to wear it while he suffers the same disease and that is completely the woman's choice to make. Not the daughter's.

Maybe the moral of the story is don't put all your emotional eggs into a basket you have no control over.

Maybe she didn't even think about the hat and when she saw it on someone else it brought up unforeseen and unresolved issues. You have never had an unforeseen irrational reaction to something, unexpected? Maybe neither party thought it would be emotional until it was. Yelling, probably not the correct route, but emotions are not always rational especially in the moment. An argument happens and maybe once emotions have calmed down, they can talk about it rationally. I've learned that trauma can bring out irrational reactions in people. And maybe some empathy will go a long way.

I'm having trouble thinking of something. And I've definitely never yelled about it. I've never yelled at anyone. I've even only at most raised my voice at DH, not even done that much to anyone else. But I internalize a lot and maybe that's my thing. If I had been the daughter and had trouble seeing the hat on another man, at most I would've just gotten up and left in silence.

But either way, if I were the mom there is no way I would just stand there and let my daughter yell at me for doing nothing wrong.

And some people internalize and some externalize everyone handles unexpected things differently.
I say I wouldn’t yell at my mom, because I just wouldn’t. But I’ve yelled at others for less than that. I definitely wouldn’t leave in silence, because my mom is probably the only person who I would share my reactions with.
And maybe that’s why the daughter yelled, it’s mom, they might yell, cry and work it out.

[jas]

Why? When my dad died, there were very few material objects of his that were that important to me. Like 2 or 3 items. I have had those items in my possession since he died and therefore I get to decide what happens to them. Likewise my sister has just 2 or 3 items as well. The rest of it? Don't care. Most of his clothes were donated so at the time there were probably people walking all over town wearing his stuff. So what? A lot of his other stuff was donated too. It helped other people and that's what my dad was all about.

And even if someone went into my closet and put on my dad's jacket (one of the few things I still have) I wouldn't freak out. Worst case I would calmly say "You know, that was my dad's jacket and I prefer no one else wearing it. Let me help you find a different one that you can wear. Oh look, I think this one would look great on you!" Or depending on who the person was and how I felt about them I might be a-ok with them wearing my dad's jacket. It was 19 years ago that my dad died. The feelings are far from raw at this point.

You are projecting YOUR feelings and YOUR actions onto someone else. You have no idea what that hat might have meant, if anything to the daughter. It could have been as simple as, "oh shit - that's dad's hat. He died of cancer, this guy's gonna die of the same thing."
And unless op was there, I don't put any stock in someone saying this woman was screaming. It's 2nd or 3rd hand information.

But really it's irrelevant. It doesn't really matter what the hat meant to the daughter because it's not her's to control. The hat belongs to the woman and for all we know maybe the woman has equally strong feelings about why she wants her boyfriend to wear the same hat that her husband did. And since the woman owns the hat it's her feelings that get to decide actions with the hat.
I doubt the daughter was cool and calm. You don't get to a descriptive word like screaming if the person was cool and calm. I assume the daughter was irrational in some way or another.

You don't get it. Not one bit.

[madfoodie]

I can understand her being upset. Like someine else said it's weird that the mom is letting someone she is dating to wear the hat.

[Hot4Tchr-Bieg]

Surprising reaction, but valid.